Bliss

I very unwisely stayed up very late last night, and sorely regretted it this morning. Forest and I were out gaming with my friends until about midnight, which means it was more like 1 AM before we were asleep in the end. The alarm went off this morning, and we snoozed it for a solid hour. That's a feat to behold, since the alarm is across the room, and we have to walk several steps every 7 minutes when the alarm goes off. We've been terrible about getting up in the morning ever since it started being dark outside when it's wake-up time, and staying up late only makes it worse.

Forest and I seem to be doing much better. I feel wonderful about things, it all feels resolved to me. Except that I'm not sure he's quite there yet. He still seems a shade reserved compared to how he was before. I still think he's got something on his mind, but I can't guess what it might be. He started to be a bit more playful with me again last night, which is good, but I haven't seen the return of the unabashed looks into my eyes yet. There's a special smile, and a certain expression that I only see when he's looking at me, and they haven't come back yet, either. I'm hoping it just takes a little bit of time, and then they will return.

There's some vague fear in the back of my mind, though, that they are gone forever, and it's a terrible loss. I'm worried that they were the result of the new-relationship innocence we were both feeling, where everything was so amazing, and we hadn't let each other down yet. Now that it's no longer the flawless, amazing miraculous relationship and I'm no longer incapable of wrong-doing, is that magical, intimate smile of his banished forever?

I think I also feel like he has the tiniest guard up, still. Maybe he just doesn't quite know what to expect from me now. I can understand that, because (obviously) I'm in the same spot. There's just something microfiber-thin going on there.

Of course these things are so subtle that they are barely visible to the naked eye. Part of it is some sort of empathic change, slight enough that I'm sure I could dismiss it as indigestion if I wanted to. I'm just going to give it some time, and see what happens.

Yesterday part of the revelation that solved all our crises was that on both sides we were having difficulty finding where we fit into each other's lives. We have two completely seperate groups of friends, different types of work and schedules, and families with their various relationships. We also finally found a way to communicate all this stuff without upsetting each other so much. It was great.

Tonight I'm hoping to catch him in the mood for play and fun. We haven't played together much since I injured myself, probably 10 days ago. I miss it.