Today I realized that part of the problem we are having is that we are both 'pleasers' to an extreme degree. We both want to make everyone happy. All the time. We each want the other to be happy in a very selfless way.
This causes a problem, because things like time and space are limited. There are only so many hours in the day, and eventually something has to give. It's really difficult for us to discuss this, since Forest's time is a sensitive topic to him. He knows he's working too much and he stressed out as it is because he hasn't had a day off since January 2. He misses his family and his friends, and is of course upset because he can't possibly feel he's making everyone happy when he doesn't have time to see them all. I attempted to tell him yesterday that I thought we should take a day together to get past all the emotional stuff that's been dragging us down, and he took it as my saying he didn't spend enough time with me in the first place and was really hurt by it. (That's what I get for trying to communicate with email.)
Tonight we're going to sit over hot coffee (him) and cocoa (me) and talk this over, finally. We've been putting it off because we just haven't had the time together to sort through it. I'm just not sure what I'm going to say.
See, in my end of the selflessness, I try to make a sacrifice for him, even of a few hours, and he gets mad at me because he knows it's time I'd rather spend with him, and hurt because I try to smile and send him along, which he thinks is dishonest of me. I think he's also insulted because he feels like he does so much for me, and it's as if my making sacrifices somehow nullifies that to his mind. I think he honestly believes I shouldn't have to make any sacrifices for his happiness.
At the same time, he is making himself into some sort of martyr by always making sacrifices for me, even when I try to tell him not to. He gives up time with his friends, works a zillion extra hours, and is all the while miserable because he doesn't have any time to himself.
When I try to talk him into taking some time he flatly refuses, because he says we don't get enough time together as it is.
Grrr. This is all exacerbated by physical pain. My stupid foot is killing me (it turns out I broke one of the toes right down into the joint) all day and all night. My doctor says he thinks I'm just balancing on the pain threshold of being able to stand it without bursting into tears. I think he's right. Someone made a loud noise in my office this morning and I burst into tears. So if you see me and tears are streaming down my face, don't be insulted. It's just because I turned down the darvocet they offered me, because it would have left me unconscious for days. Needless to say this makes Forest a hundred times worse off, because he has to deal with me being a sobbing wreck this whole time.
Of course last night sucked, too. We were both really tired, having worked full days, been tortured in one way or another (I by my doctor, he by Olga's), and I had driven all over the place for work with my sore foot. We were both physically in pain. We didn't get home from Tae Kwon Do until almost 11, and Darcy didn't leave until after midnight. Then when I told him I really needed to talk about this stuff or it was going to drive me insane, he just wanted to go to bed. Honestly, we were both about falling asleep standing up, but I really wanted to communicate about all the stress in our lives lately. I finally convinced him to talk, and I immediately said something that offended him about his schedule, and he blew up at me about how he never has time for anything, and how stressed out he is. The diatribe wasn't even aimed at me, but I ended up crying, because I can't control that these days, and he ended up holding me, telling me how much he loved me and that everything would be okay, and soothing me until we both went to sleep. He promised we would talk about it the next evening.
We really still need to take the time to communicate. I keep trying to bring it up, but we keep having to put it off because of our schedules. Forest says it will work itself out in time, and that we just shouldn't worry so much about it. It's odd that in this relationship I'm the "fix-it" one and he's the "let it heal" one. Since I'm just that nuts, I'm going to try again tonight, but it's going to be the same scenario. Late at night, after 14 hours of work, and lots of pain. Not good juju.
Ordinarily I would just take my time and tackle it when we had a day free. Problem with that is that we don't have any days free. Forest doesn't have any days off, and at this rate he won't for a while, at least not that he can spend with me. He says all he needs is two weeks notice to give at work, and he can take off any day I want him to and spend it together. Unfortunately, I really need to resolve this stuff before February 4, which is when he's going to Chicago for an overnight, and I'm most likely going to be staying home. I will need to feel secure in our relationship again by then. I've explained this to him, and I think he understands, but is enslaved by his schedule anyway. I tried discussing things with him in email, but he took everything I said the wrong way, and it hurt him unecessarily, which then made me feel guilty all day. He's so sensitive. I love that about him, but at the same time, I hate hurting him. Of course my intention is never to hurt him. I never hurt him before this. Now it amazes me that we've found such sensitive topics that I'm emotionally beating him up, and vice versa.
I think he feels like a failure when I'm unhappy for any reason, even if it's something little. He puts it in other words, but I know that's what he means. I feel the same way about him. I want him to be happy so badly, and it breaks my heart when he's not. It's amazing to me that we were spotlessly happy for as many months as we were, so that we never unearthed this dilemma before.
You get it, don't you? I'd do anything in the world to make him happy, but my sacrifice by nature will make him unhappy, because he knows I'm giving up something I want, and me unhappy, at least deep down inside, for the same reason. He will do anything to make ME happy, too, but his sacrifices are making him unhappy, because of what he's giving up, and me unhappy because he's unhappy. It's a nasty cycle, because as everyone knows, some sacrifice in any relationship is necessary. In our case, it's likely to be time together being given up for the greater good. I'm convinced we're going to have to figure out a way to make equal sacrifices, and to be equally a bit more selfish, so that we feel we are being fair to each other, but keeping each other sane.
I certainly can't deal with his current level of stress. He doesn't take it out on me, but I can't stand that he always has knots in his back, and headaches, and I can see the misery in his eyes when he realizes he hasn't seen his brother in a week, or his dad in a month. I don't like to see him unhappy, and know there's nothing I can really do about it. It's so frustrating.
So tonight we need to talk about, in order of priority:
A. This past week. He told me at the time that he was just tired, but last night informed me that it was the worst week of his life. I need to know what was going on there.
B. Sacrifices. We need to find some way that we can each give a little bit in our relentless selflessness. We also need to come to some sort of understanding whereby each of us *can* give something to the other without the recipient being unhappy about it. That's just twisted.
C. Plans for the next weekend. Forest is going to Chicago with a friend, and while I was originally invited along, he seems to think that might be a good time for him to get some time alone with some pals he hasn't seen in a while. I agree, he needs the time with them. Of course it's painful for me to think of having him gone for that long, and it will be our first night sleeping apart, which will also suck. I'll miss him, even if I'm busy. But that goes back to B, sacrifices. It doesn't help that the issue of that weekend is clouded by the fact that the friend he is going with is female, and while they will be staying with Wayne, I think he's worried I will be hurt or jealous. His solution has been to tell me I can come along if I want to, it's up to me. I don't feel like that's an invitation, I feel like it's a concession. I don't want to go be a painful tag-along, I would only want to go if my presence was really wanted there. Which I don't think it is. Anyway, we obviously need to sort this out. I need to reassure him that I trust him with this other girl (which I do). He needs to figure out whether he really wants me to come along, or if that was just a way of getting to go on the trip without leaving me behind. We need to figure out how he can go without feeling guilty and without making me miserable.
D. Schedules. This relates to sacrifices indirectly. I'm worried Forest is working more than he really needs to. After a certain amount of hours, it starts to be more expensive to work than it's worth. He's working 65-70 hours a week, and I really think we may just be living above our means. I'll bring our bills with me and we can go over them. Maybe I can convince him to back off on the hours a little bit, not only for my sake, but for his own sanity.
If you can think of something I'm forgetting, please let me know.
I appreciate the outlet of this journal so much. It makes it easier somehow to sort things out when I picture the cartoon masses looking at me as though I'm out of my mind. I hope to have better news for you tomorrow. Forest is going to spend a few hours with his dad today, which will usually cheer him up, and then we're going to game with some friends, and go out for a hot mug of coffee to try to talk this stuff out.
In the meantime, I'm going to try to get rid of the nagging pain in my foot and get plenty of rest so I don't cry all over him again. He's been incredibly patient with me, but I imagine he gets tired of always having a wet shirt.
I don't know, though. In a way, I think it makes him feel good, and useful, that he can be there for me when I need him. It's so incredible. Even in all the recent events, with our first conflict, and the first struggle to solve in our relationship, he still comforts me. He firmly believes things will heal in their time, and reassures me that we will take up the torch another time, when I'm more up to it. He turns off the argument, like shutting off a light. He holds me, reminds me of how much he loves me, and how committed he is to me. On our worst nights he has still kissed me, and snuggled me to sleep.
