Sex After Abuse

This will very likely be a touchy subject for survivors of incest. This information is intended for adults only. Partners of incest survivors may benefit from the information contained here also.

When a woman is sexually abused, especially by a family member on a regular basis, her body will remember the uncomfortable feelings involved, even though she will likely feel nothing at the time except numbness. This is a common phenomenon among survivors. Often we have a hard time turning the numbness off in order to enjoy sex with loving partners. Our partners may have trouble dealing with this when it becomes a regular occurrence. We may be haunted by flashbacks of the abuse or we may not be able to enjoy sex even though we know that we are consenting adults. Though some of us will have sexual feelings, others may repress their sexual desires because as children, we associated sex with negative feelings and circumstances.

The problem is that children are not mature enough to deal with sex in general. Children were never meant to have sex, even at puberty children aren't able to handle sex on an emotional level. Even very young children can and will have physical responses to sex. Many people do not believe this to be true but we survivors know this from experience. This is scary for a child, who then interprets any physical responses to sexual stimulation as negative. This induces a sense of shame in a child who has pleasant feelings from an act that is obviously wrong. This is how sex is related to guilt and shame in adult survivors.

When these feelings are so deeply ingrained into our emotions, they can be difficult, if not impossible to control. We don't like having flashbacks, they just happen. The trick is to figure out what is triggering these flashbacks and feelings and try to change it. Many of us tend to "space out" while having sex. This can be hard not to do when we trained ourselves to do so as children. It becomes an automatic response. To keep from spacing out, concentrate on the emotional aspects of sex. Talk to your partner and tell them what will make you feel more comfortable and keep you involved. Maybe you need them to talk to you or tell you that they love you. These things can be very powerful in making sure that you feel loved and to remind you that you chose to have sex with them and that you weren't coerced or forced.

The key is to have a partner that knows about your history and is understanding. They don't necessarily need details, though you can tell them anything that you feel comfortable discussing. If your partner truly loves you, he/she will be willing to work through this with you. If you are involved with someone, this has to be his/her battle too. They don't want us to feel bad and they definitely don't want us to feel bad about having sex with them. Realize this and figure out how to make it better together. Having sex with the lights off may help with any body issues you may have. If you have problems staying in the moment, try looking into your partner's eyes. This makes sex an intimate act, and reminds us that we chose to participate because of the love that we share with our partner.

While many survivors are able to work through their issues in individual counseling sessions, you may want to consider couples' sessions. Not only is this a good way for you to express how you feel but also for you partner to express how they feel about your abuse as well. Your pain affects them and when you're hurting, they're hurting too. They may need help dealing with their own feelings about your relationship. Just remember that with lots of love and the commitment of both people involved, this is definitely something that you can get through together to improve the quality of intimacy as well as your love for each other.