CNN, the world’s leading television news channel, made an impassioned plea before members of the United Nations, begging them to commence military action against Iraq. “Remember how much fun the Gulf War was?”, pleaded Wolf Blitzer, spokesman for CNN. “It’s a win-win situation. On your side, it would rid the world of an evil dictator that threatens to destroy the world. On our side, man would that really boost our ratings!”
According to inside sources, CNN has been struggling for ratings since their heyday of the original war with Iraq. With the exception of the O.J. Simpson trial, and the tragedy of 9/11 last year, viewer numbers have been way down from their peak in the early 1990s. It’s gotten so bad that correspondent Christiane Amanpour reportedly has been forced to sell crack to make ends meet.
Bitch Cited For Failure To "Get Out The Way" - (New York, NY)
Local bitch Janet Chiller was issued a ticket by police for failure to obey the rapper Ludacris as he instructer her to “Get Out The Way” in a club on Saturday. According to witnesses, the popular rap artist was attempting to make his way through the club, with Ms. Chiller obstructing his path. Mr. Ludacris asked her politely to “Move Bitch”, a request that she refused to obey. Obviously in the wrong, she was issued a ticket and will have to appear in court next week. Chiller ran afoul of the law a few years back when she refused a request to “Back ‘Dat Ass Up”, which resulted in 14 days of jail time. Ludacris could not be reached for comment, as his entourage said he was “too fucking stoned to speak”.
Woman Denies Possession of Vibrator - (Helena, MO) Clarice Jenkins, a housewife from Billings, Montana, refuted accusations leveled by her husband that a vibrator found in a drawer belonged to her. Robert Jenkins says that he “came home from work and accidentally bumped into her end table drawer. The resulting buzzing sound caused me to investigate further.” That was when the discovery of the vibrator occurred.
Mrs. Jenkins originally tried to say that the vibrator belonged to their 8 year old daughter, Lorraine. When that excuse was not believed, she then said that it came with the drawer and she had never bothered to throw it away. Finally she admitted that she may have purchased a “pregnancy free penis substitute”, but definitely not a vibrator.
“Shakira Effect” Felt On Music Business - (Los Angeles, CA)
The Columbian singing sensation Shakira has shaken up the music industry, causing many of the old ways of doing business to fall by the wayside. Word has it that Britney Spears has been taking belly dancing classes, and plans are in the works to debut the new dance moves in the video for her next single, “Aspiration (Salsa)”. More acts are following Shakira’s lead and are writing their own songs. Justin Timberlake is reportedly recording his first self-written song, “1-2-3-4, Britney Is A Fucking Whore”. Jessica Simpson plans to release, “You Really Thought I Was A Virgin?” next week. In a related story, insider sources report that Christina Aguilera is claiming to be “1/100 Columbian on her cousin’s side”
