Disclaimer: Own nothing. Joss owns all. 

Rating: PG-13 (for language)

Lyrics from The Devil You Know (God is a Man) by Face to Face. All lyrics are proceeded with a ~. 

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"Spike."

~ God is a man

He was here. He looked different. Tired. Was it really him? She stood and wiped away the remaining tears. Her feet were rooted to the ground. She wanted to go to him. Touch him. Just to make sure that he was real. But she couldn’t.

Gods she was beautiful. It felt like it’d been years since the last time he’d seen her. He could see her trembling, her cheeks still wet. He wanted to go to her and comfort her. But he was the one that had made her cry. He knew that. He ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath.

"Buffy I…" He turned away from her. "I’m sorry."

He had wanted to be a bit more articulate. But at the moment that was all he could choke out. He forgot how the sight of her affected him.

~ It’s alright

~ everything is fine

~ live the perfect life

~ never one immoral thought inside your mind

She stared at him. Her mind was teeming with thoughts, but she couldn’t yet put them in any kind of coherent order. Why did he make her feel so…so explosive? Whenever he was around it was like he infected her. He made everything she was feeling triple in intensity. Whether it was anger, fear, or even…affection?

So, he was sorry. She had so many emotions crashing through her she didn’t know which one was attached to his apology.

"Xander found me. After. Saw the bruises." She saw his face contort at the memory of what he had done to her.

~ what they said

~ does it make you feel ashamed

~ Isn’t everyone the same

~ doesn’t matter that it wasn’t your idea

"Well if the whelp didn’t hate me ‘fore…" He hated himself. Apologize? He could never make it right. Why did he come back? But he already knew the answer. He couldn’t stay away.

~ god is a man

~ you know for sure

~ the knowledge in and of itself is more than we deserve

"Buffy…If you want me to go…I mean if you can’t stand the sight of me…I understand…"

Now he’s talking about leaving again? Anger slammed into her. Unconsciously her hands balled into fists. "So what? You’re just going to leave now? Just came to say good-bye since you didn’t bother four months ago?" She was shouting now. She couldn’t hold it in anymore. She rushed him. Her fist connecting with his jaw.

She was attacking him. He saw the fury in her eyes and knew he deserved it. He didn’t bother to defend himself. He just stood and took the beating. By now he was on the ground with her straddling his hips. She was pounding on his face. Shouting. Angry.

~ so you tried

~ you’ve made up your mind

~ but something’s still not right

~ the devil you don’t know is still outside

Suddenly she tensed. Her eyes lost focus as she remembered a night just like this. A night where she had beat him almost to dust and then left him without a backward glance. She looked down. He was bleeding. His lip had been cut open and a bruise was already forming on the underside of his jaw.

All the energy drained out of her and she collapsed on top of him. He could feel the hot tears as they hit his chest and he wrapped his arms around her shuddering body.

"Shhh, luv. S’okay. I deserved it." He rubbed her back whispering assurances to her.

~ what they said

~ does it make you feel ashamed

~ isn’t everyone the same

~ doesn’t matter that it wasn’t your idea

What had she done? Why could she never control herself around him? "Spike." It came out as an almost whisper. "I’m so sorry. God." She was sitting up now. Her face buried within her slender hands.

"Shhh, luv. It’s not your fault. I’m the Big Bad, remember? I deserve it."

"No!" Quieter now. "No. Nobody deserves that Spike. Not even you. Not now. Not…not…before." That was the closest Buffy had come to apologizing for that night. Though deep down she knew that it wasn’t really enough, she couldn’t yet bring herself to say more.

~ god is a man

~ you know for sure

~ the knowledge in and of itself is more than we deserve

"Buffy." Spike sighed deeply. He sat up with her and took her hand. "I hurt you. I said I never would. And I did. I deserve whatever you want to throw at me." He was absently massaging the palm of her hand with his thumb as he spoke.

~ god is a man

~ you know for sure

~ the knowledge in and of itself is more than we deserve

She felt some of the tenseness leave as he languidly ran his thumb over her lifeline. She looked up at him to see that he was facing away. Unable to look her in the eye. She reached out to take hold of his chin and turned him to face her.

"Spike. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you. For…for using you. For hurting you." It was Buffy’s turn to look away. Her breath was coming in shallow pants. And her eyes were threatening to spill yet again.

~ what they said

~ does it make you feel ashamed

~ isn’t everyone the same

~ doesn’t matter that it wasn’t your idea

God he loved her. Could they ever be anything to each other? Could she ever look at him without anger or fear?

"I love you." He knew he didn’t deserve to have her. "But I know I can’t be forgiven. I know – "

~ god is a man

~ you know for sure

~ the knowledge in and of itself is more than we deserve

"No Spike." She put her hand to his lips. Stopping the rest of his thought. She shook her head, letting her hand fall back to her lap.

His heart sank. This was it. She couldn’t forgive him. He would leave the next day. At least he was able to see her again. To tell her how sorry he was. How out of his mind he had been. She deserved better than rot like him anyway.

~ god is a man

~ you know for sure

~ the knowledge in and of itself is more than we deserve

"I think…I think we both need time. I need to forgive you. And you need to forgive me." She stood up to go. Looking back down she whispered to him. "Please don’t leave."

~ it’s more than we deserve

~ it’s more than we deserve

~ it’s more than we deserve

Spike sat in the darkened crypt alone. He wanted so badly to run after her. But he wouldn’t. He would give her time. And then he would tell her. Tell her that he will always love her, body and soul.