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Disclaimer: Own nothing. Joss owns all. 

Rating: PG-13 (for language)

Lyrics from Pain by Four Star Mary. All lyrics are proceeded with a ~. 

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Spike drove endlessly on. He felt as if he had been driving for years when he knew it had only been a little over a week. He would drive all night, hole up in a motel during the day and then drive all night again. He didnít know what he would say or do when he got there, but he couldnít help feeling restless and antsy. He needed to be there, now.

 

His mind had been replaying the last five years of his unlife since the day of his Ďrestorationí. How had things turned out this way?

 

~ feeling Iíve been lost for years

~ you can never understand me

~ unless youíve seen those tears

~ but you never get to sleep

~ when Iím away

~ I donít mind

~ the deeper that you lay

~ out of time

 

Buffy. He knew the answer. The second he met her she had turned his unlife upside down. She was the first Slayer he couldnít kill. The first Slayer he would die to protect.

 

He thought back to that night. He hadnít protected her then. Hadnít been able to keep his promise to her. She died to save Dawn because he couldnít. Died to save the world. Again. He still had nightmares. Could still see her body falling through the air. Crashing painfully to the ground. Lying broken and still.

 

~ pain, I canít sleep

~ pain, I canít sleep

 

He loved her. When he first realized what it was. What the feelings crashing through him meant. He didnít know how to react. Didnít know what to do. He had never felt that kind of intensity before. Scared wasnít exactly the right word for his reaction to the revelation of being in love. More like confused and angry.

 

He was the Big Bad! Not some pouf. He didnítÖcouldnítÖlove a slayer. She must have done something to him. Must of thrown some mojo his way. Willow did it once. Made them snog all day thinking they were in love.

 

~ running, running from those days

~ thereís another one inside me

~ guess Iíve gone insane

~ but you always run away

~ when I come around

~ I donít mind

~ the day Iíll track you down

~ run you down

 

After awhile his realization became an obsession. He wanted her to love him back. Needed her to feel the same intensity. He didnít know how to make that happen. Didnít know anything but the violence that heíd known since his Ďrebirthí. Then it came to him. Or rather, she came to him.

 

Drusilla. His dark princess. What better way to show the slayer his sincerity? His devotion to her? By killing the one thing that has meant anything to him. Until her that is.

 

But even that ended up badly. Not only was she repulsed by him, but she uninvited him! She locked him out of her home. Out of her life. And the worst part? She pitied him. He saw it in her eyes.

 

~ pain, I canít sleep

~ pain, I canít sleep

 

When she came back. When they forced her back. She was different. Void. That was the word he was looking for. Like a gigantic black hole. She wouldnít let anything out. No anger, no joy, no sorrow. She couldnít even tell her mates the truth.

 

He wanted so bad to make her feel. Make her release just a piece of what she was holding in. They fought. They kissed. They fought. They shagged. But at least she was feeling something. She was angry. She was passionate.

 

But in the end he had it all wrong. In the end he was killing her. Strange to have the one thing you dreamed and desired be flung at you. He had wanted to kill her. It had been his driving obsession. Until she became his driving obsession.

 

~ donít stop, donít talk

~ do not fuck with me

 

~ donít stop, donít talk

~ do not fuck with me

 

That night came crashing back. He still reeled from the shame. He had seen her eyes. Had seen her distrust and smelled her fear. Ask him again how she could ever love him? He closed his eyes briefly. That was the night he had had the second revelation of his unlife.

 

She was right. He was a monster.

 

~ loaded, loaded up this gun

~ thereís a killer in me

~ hoping, hope that youíre the one

~ but you always run away

~ when I come around

~ I donít mind

~ the day Iíll track you down

~ and terrify

 

When he opened his eyes he saw the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign zoom by. He was back. Now what? Could she forgive him? Could he ask her to? Did he deserve it?

 

~ pain, I canít sleep

~ pain, I canít sleep

~ pain, I canít sleep

 

He entered his crypt slowly. Surprised to see the slight form before him. Her shoulders were shaking and he could hear her sharp intake of breath as she wept.

 

He felt that familiar stab of pain in his chest as he watched her. Was she remembering that night?

 

"Buffy."

 

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