Disclaimer: Own nothing. Joss owns all. 

Rating: PG-13 (for language)

Lyrics from Pain by Four Star Mary. All lyrics are proceeded with a ~. 

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Spike drove endlessly on. He felt as if he had been driving for years when he knew it had only been a little over a week. He would drive all night, hole up in a motel during the day and then drive all night again. He didn’t know what he would say or do when he got there, but he couldn’t help feeling restless and antsy. He needed to be there, now.

His mind had been replaying the last five years of his unlife since the day of his ‘restoration’. How had things turned out this way?

~ feeling I’ve been lost for years

~ you can never understand me

~ unless you’ve seen those tears

~ but you never get to sleep

~ when I’m away

~ I don’t mind

~ the deeper that you lay

~ out of time

Buffy. He knew the answer. The second he met her she had turned his unlife upside down. She was the first Slayer he couldn’t kill. The first Slayer he would die to protect.

He thought back to that night. He hadn’t protected her then. Hadn’t been able to keep his promise to her. She died to save Dawn because he couldn’t. Died to save the world. Again. He still had nightmares. Could still see her body falling through the air. Crashing painfully to the ground. Lying broken and still.

~ pain, I can’t sleep

~ pain, I can’t sleep

He loved her. When he first realized what it was. What the feelings crashing through him meant. He didn’t know how to react. Didn’t know what to do. He had never felt that kind of intensity before. Scared wasn’t exactly the right word for his reaction to the revelation of being in love. More like confused and angry.

He was the Big Bad! Not some pouf. He didn’t…couldn’t…love a slayer. She must have done something to him. Must of thrown some mojo his way. Willow did it once. Made them snog all day thinking they were in love.

~ running, running from those days

~ there’s another one inside me

~ guess I’ve gone insane

~ but you always run away

~ when I come around

~ I don’t mind

~ the day I’ll track you down

~ run you down

After awhile his realization became an obsession. He wanted her to love him back. Needed her to feel the same intensity. He didn’t know how to make that happen. Didn’t know anything but the violence that he’d known since his ‘rebirth’. Then it came to him. Or rather, she came to him.

Drusilla. His dark princess. What better way to show the slayer his sincerity? His devotion to her? By killing the one thing that has meant anything to him. Until her that is.

But even that ended up badly. Not only was she repulsed by him, but she uninvited him! She locked him out of her home. Out of her life. And the worst part? She pitied him. He saw it in her eyes.

~ pain, I can’t sleep

~ pain, I can’t sleep

When she came back. When they forced her back. She was different. Void. That was the word he was looking for. Like a gigantic black hole. She wouldn’t let anything out. No anger, no joy, no sorrow. She couldn’t even tell her mates the truth.

He wanted so bad to make her feel. Make her release just a piece of what she was holding in. They fought. They kissed. They fought. They shagged. But at least she was feeling something. She was angry. She was passionate.

But in the end he had it all wrong. In the end he was killing her. Strange to have the one thing you dreamed and desired be flung at you. He had wanted to kill her. It had been his driving obsession. Until she became his driving obsession.

~ don’t stop, don’t talk

~ do not fuck with me

~ don’t stop, don’t talk

~ do not fuck with me

That night came crashing back. He still reeled from the shame. He had seen her eyes. Had seen her distrust and smelled her fear. Ask him again how she could ever love him? He closed his eyes briefly. That was the night he had had the second revelation of his unlife.

She was right. He was a monster.

~ loaded, loaded up this gun

~ there’s a killer in me

~ hoping, hope that you’re the one

~ but you always run away

~ when I come around

~ I don’t mind

~ the day I’ll track you down

~ and terrify

When he opened his eyes he saw the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign zoom by. He was back. Now what? Could she forgive him? Could he ask her to? Did he deserve it?

~ pain, I can’t sleep

~ pain, I can’t sleep

~ pain, I can’t sleep

He entered his crypt slowly. Surprised to see the slight form before him. Her shoulders were shaking and he could hear her sharp intake of breath as she wept.

He felt that familiar stab of pain in his chest as he watched her. Was she remembering that night?

"Buffy."