Last year I blamed my disenchantment with skating on the fact that the whole team situation sucked. This year, Coach and i are on much better terms, and it can safely be said that the whole team dynamic is 100% better this year. So why am I counting the minutes at practice again, even during those practices that everyone seems to agree are going really well? (While it is an interesting parallel to last season, I don't think it's just because of the physical pain. Then again maybe the gods are trying to tell me something?) The more I think about it, the more apparent it is that i don't belong at the Senior level, on this team or anywhere else.

I admit to getting frustrated with a few things at practice. But when i hear certain girls griping about certain other subjects lately, I'm torn between understanding where they're coming from, and deep down thinking that it's being blown out of proportion. And... just a lot of little things. It's the end of the world if a hair is out of place. Ridiculous amounts of makeup. Staking your happiness on the opinions of nine virtual strangers. Perfectionism over stupid stuff which, in the grand scheme of things, is no big freaking deal. (Newsflash: there are far more important things in life than open blocks or blue beads!) Being looked down upon for doing something so blasphemous as *gasp* taking care of yourself. It can be argued that a healthy dose of madness is needed to participate in the sport in the first place... but being competitive at the Senior level requires an insalubrious sacrifice of sanity.

The funny/sad part of all this is, if certain team mates, let alone Coach, knew this is how i truly feel, i'd be branded the synchro equivalent of a heretic.

It wasn't just because of Coach's pleading that i came back in July; there was a part of me that really did miss synchro. Yet some of the nonsense at training weekend, and indeed some of the nonsense going on now, serves as a reminder why i left the sport in the first place. I honestly enjoyed practices in the summer and the first part of autumn; it's nice to just skate and not worry about impending monitoring sessions or competitions. Now that the pressure's back on, well, it's killed it again.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that i regret coming back this year, because there are a few friendships forged along the way that probably wouldn't have happened otherwise. For next season, though, if i even skate at all, maybe it would be better to find a decent Adult team. True, it might not be as challenging as Senior... but i say to hell with challenge. It's been ten years, maybe more, since i've skated purely for enjoyment. Granted a synchro team's first priority is being competitive. But isn't skating supposed to be, well... fun?

More entries like this one:
I hate you, but I love you
There's gotta be more to life
How do you leave the past behind...?
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