It's hard to remember what it was like when skating was part of my life but not my identity. When exactly was that? I have a memory of being nine years old, taking a gymnastics class, when an instructor referred to me as "The Skater" while i was performing on the balance beam. It was my identity even back then, in the family, among friends, at school, basically everywhere except the rink (where obviously "Skater" wasn't a distinguishing feature). I don't remember when i absorbed that as part of my own selfhood. But apparently i must have, somewhere along the line.
Mom died in 1998. At her funeral, a girl from our club asked in earnest if i was going to continue skating that season. I remember that up until that point, skating hadn't even crossed my mind yet. Perhaps that was a small moment of clarity, realizing how unimportant skating really was in the grand scheme of things. (I did skate that year regardless; Dad said, "Your mother would have wanted you to continue." Indeed, she was arguably more obsessed with my skating than i was....) But the insight was, unfortunately, somewhat short-lived.
Flash forward to September 2000... freshman in college, try out for the Miami University synchronized skating team. Don't make it, utter devastation. Dorm-mates, friends, family, all baffled as to why this was so upsetting. You can always try out again next year, there's so much more you can do, just enjoy being at college, come on, life is so much more than skating. (Looking back now, I don't understand it, either.) But at the time, I was almost suicidal. I was already not eating well (and found out, years later, the real reason the coach didn't take me was because she quite rightly suspected an eating disorder), and this devastation triggered a downward spiral and a hard fall into full-blown anorexia. Medical withdrawal from school, months spent in a day program, a week spent inpatient in the hospital. All in all, a big mess.
In hindsight, that year was a blessing: had I made that team, I never would have joined this current team [Revolution] a year later. Despite the drudgery of this season, the experience here has ultimately been beneficial, if for no other reason than the people i've met directly and indirectly through this team. The hospital ordeal gave me a chance to sort out other "issues," some of which were caused by skating, others which were not (Mom, SA, et cetera). I used to say that it was also a blessing because it forced me to find an identity outside of skating. But why, then, did i return to the sport after hearing about this new team? Just because there was another opportunity to continue? Because I truly believed Ashley when she said "we need good skaters like you"? Because somehow i knew that this team would eventually guide me toward a truer purpose? (Really, though, i believe it has). Or had it really not shed the "skater" identity to the extent i fooled myself into believing?
It could be that separation of sport from self was incomplete at that time, and it took other events to pass for the serverence to be fully actualized. It's hard to say exactly when i really "woke up" and realized the relative absurdity of this aspect of my life, if it was my own personal growth that led to it or things just got so bad it was impossible not to see. But now, it is safe to say that skating is now, as previously stated, simply a word, and no longer a "label."
Doing is not being; action is not identity. Existence just is.
Or is it?
If your vocations and undertakings can ever be a reflection of what you are, i believe this is only if you feel a passion for what you do. Again, i cannot say exactly when i lost that sort of passion for skating; suffice it to say, that spark is dead. Now i feel a calling toward other, higher purposes in life. The time has come to move on.
What am I? I am a human being, with a mind, a body, a soul, and a sense of self. What that self is, perhaps, is yet to be fully discovered. One thing is for sure, though. I'm definitely no longer a Skater.
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