(about the love/hate relationship with skating)
The other day I actually caught myself watching the clock, counting the minutes until practice was over. Once upon a time I used to dread the end of practice, because I loved skating so much. I was unable to make a team practice this week because of a scheduling conflict with work (and Coach, to put it mildly, was not happy.) Still, strangely, I felt more relieved than disappointed or upset about it. It has a lot to do with the fact that skating is extremely painful right now due to a residual stress fracture and swollen ankle.. But i'm convinced that at least a small part of it is due to something else entirely. A very good reminder of the intense love/hate relationship i have with the sport of figure skating.
WHY I HATE IT
Every month i write the checks for ice time and think about how i could be giving the money to a good charity and make a far greater impact on the world. Figure skates, of course, are made out of leather ('course i've worn the same pair for six years now). The makeup we wear (and we wear a ton) makes my face break out, yes, but i'm more upset by the fact that, since we have to wear what Coach picks out, it's probably tested on animals.
The sport reveres facade and image and politics. even off the ice, we have to have makeup and hair done, wearing a very specific outfit, if we so much as step outside our hotel room. We make jokes about being like a cult, but that's not so far off.. everything must be the same, down to what hand we hold our skate bags in as we walk into the rink. The Almighty Judges sit above the ice, watching with critical eye, deciding our "fate" when, ironically enough, few if any of them have ever actually skated on a team themselves. And half don't understand the rules by which they're supposed to be judging us. But maybe that doesn't matter, because politics govern the judging to a much greater degree than actual perrformance on the ice.
The sport has wreaked havoc on my body and psyche. Sprains, sliced tendons, stress fractures, tendonitis, ice burn, bursitis, cuts, lacerations...I'm literally scarred for life from some of these injuries, and cringe to think how much we've had to pay in skating-related medical bills. Not to mention how messed up my body will be by the time i'm thirty from all the abuse it's undergone. While I don't blame the eating disorder on skating, surely it played a significant role. (Of course, if skating hadn't turned my self-hate toward weight/eating, it would've come out some other way.) My current coaches, while quite demanding, are angels compared with other coaches i've had, some of which were downright abusive. In synchro I used to compete internationally, which was pretty cool in some ways. Represnting your country overseas, wearing the cool USA jacket, getting medals, seeing the stars and stripes raised at the awards ceremony and knowing it's being raised for YOU. But for all the glamor and fanfare, the pressure of competing at that level is tremendous. You couldn't pay me to go through that again.
The incredible amount of cattiness. "Soccer moms" can't compare with skating moms. But maybe the gossip end is more funny than anything else. Not so much this team, but other teams i've skated with, sometimes your own team mates can be downrgith cruel. Coaches who pressure us to skate through injuries and illness, even after doctors have advised against it. (Actually, lately our coaches have just been downright nasty, and a lot of girls on the team are upset about this.) The frustration of skating through injuries yet still giving every effort, and seeing other girls who are comparatively healthy only half-arsing it.
What logical reason could a person have to put themself through this kind of bull crap? Why pay all this money and rearrange my life to accomodate an activity that so often leaves me in tears? there are plenty of reasons, just perhaps not all that logical :P
WHY I LOVE IT...
Skating in general...it's the closest you can come to flying without leaving the ground, gliding so fast over the ice, feeling the crisp, cold air whip by your ears, leaning over an edge so deep it amazes even you. The sound of blades (not toepicks) carving through fresh ice, and the delicate, spider's web-like patterns left when you are done. The great feeling when you master a new skill after months and months of trying. Skating has taught me an incredible amount of discipline and personal accountability that carry over into other aspects of life.
Synchronized skating in particular, the camaraderie. Regardless of whether or not you like everyone on your team, they're your team mates, and you're loyal to one another through thick and thin, on the ice and off. We are always squeezing each other's shoulders or hands during the program, in reassurance if someone just missed a step, or in congratulations that we made it through that scary back lunge passthrough. The girl next to you stumbles, you make every effort to keep her from going down. (The other day i fell on my butt in the middle of two interlocking wheels, Heather literally dragged me back up to my feet rather than leave me at the mercy of oncoming blades!) I hated solo skating, being alone out there, just you against the world. Here there are nineteen other girls sharing the ice, sharing the experience, literally right there with you every step of the way. off the ice, yeah, my team mates can be loud and sometimes downright obnoxious, but gosh darn it, they're a fun group.
There's this awesome feeling when the team is "right on" with each other. Twenty individual skaters bringing our own skills to the table, and together, making it work. There's tension in the line (in synchro tension is a good thing) and everything flows the way it's supposed to. Everyone does their job in the traveling circle and it just flies across the ice. You trust when you're being lifted that your team mates will do everything in their power not to drop you. You let go of your line during a transition, and put it back out again to start the next move, and know that there will be someone there to grab it. And...i don't know. There's this addictive quality to the sport of synchronized skating that only another synchro skater could possibly understand.
There was about an eighteen month period where i was unable to compete, due to a severe injury sustained during practice in the second half of one season, and the next season because (long story) i didn't have a team. That was a painfully therapeutic time (or was it therapeutically painful?) in that i was forced to find an identity outside of the sport in which i've participated since age five. Of course, the season after that was when my current coach started her own team out here, and this is my third season with her. At this point, though, i think it might be my last.
Then again i always get disgruntled with skating around this time of year...between the holidays and the stress of the competitive season, i go bonkers. December through February, every year without fial, i swear this year is my last, not gonna put myself through this again, no way no how. But every year since 1990, when it comes time to sign up for next season, whether i stay with my current team or, rarely, try out for a new one, in spite of all logical reasons to the contrary, i keep coming back for more.
Yes, i've found and somewhat maintained an identity other than just being a figure skater. Yes, there is a great deal of ambivalence regarding how i truly feel about the sport. Still, even after my body's so broken i physically cannot skate anymore, or i decide on my own that it's time to move on, it's probably something which will be a part of me forever, just because it's something i've done for so long.
Guess you could say i'll always have "ice" running through my veins :P
More entries like this one:
There's gotta be more to life
What the hell am I doing here?
How do you leave the past behind...?
First time for everything
