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Religious Jokes
Creation of Man
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals,
and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not
happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall
create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive
tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to
empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll
give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster
and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at
fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-
footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised
eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a
burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Jewish Name
I met a Chinese man who told me his name was Abe Schwartz.
I asked him if he was Jewish for which he replied no.
"How did you get that name, did your mother marry a Jewish man?"
"Of course not! What happened was,
when I came to this country and standing on the immigration line
the man in front of me was named
Abe Schwartz. When it came my turn, they asked me my name and I
said Sem Ting,"
Career Choice
One day Sister Mary Teresa was asking her 1st grade class at St. Peter's Catholic school what they wanted to be when they grow up.
Little John wanted to be a fireman; Susie wants to be a nurse. Then she came to Ashley, Ashley said, I want to be a prostitute! Sister Mary said WHAT!? Again she said I would like to be a prostitute.
Sister Mary said Oh thank heavens I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant!!!!!!
Three Sons
Three women were talking about their sons.
One woman said that her son is a priest and every time he walks into a room people bow their head and say "Father." The second woman said that HER son was a cardinal and every time he walked into a room people bowed their head and said "your Grace." The third woman was silent. The other two women looked at her and said, "What about your son?"
The woman replied, "He's about six foot four, has blonde hair, and blue eyes. Every time he walks into a room people look up and say 'Oh my God!'"
Forrest
One day St. Peter was sitting at the steps of the gates to heaven, fiddling with his fingers, then suddenly he hears:
"Excuse me sir, I recollect your supposed to let me in heaven." St. Peter looks up and he sees Forrest Gump.
So he stands up tall and starts by saying, "In order for me to let you in, I must ask you 3 questions." Forrest says, "Okay, hit me." St. Peter asks, "How many seconds are in a year?"
It takes Forrest some time to answer and then he comes up with it,"Okay, im ready now."
St. Peter says, "Well give me your answer."
Forrest says,"There are 12 seconds in a year."
St. Peter asks,"Well how did you come up with that answer?"
Forrest replies,"Well sir, see I took my time on this one and I thought about it over and over in my head and I thought, hey, Jan. 2, Feb. 2, mar. 2..."
St. Peter says, "Well that answers pretty good so I'll give you the next one. How many days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
Forrest replies, "Hmm....okay sir my answer is today and tomorrow."
Well St. Peter doesn't want to know were that answer came from so he lets it swing by. St. Peter asks the third question, "Whats gods first name?"
Forrest was thinking on this one really hard, so he asks "Can I go back to earth and think about this one?"
St. Peter says, "Okay you got 2 days."
So Forrest went to earth and then came back 2 days later. When he came back he was running and screaming, "I got it! I got it!" all out of breath he says to St. Peter, "It's Howard."
St. Peter looks puzzled and asks, "How did you get that?"
Forrest says, "I found it in the Bible, it read: Our father, who art in heaven, HOWARD be thy name."
Elderly Man
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the
priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four
kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new
Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made
love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time
you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?" responded the
priest.
"Hell! I'm telling everybody!"
Fair Trade
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
Heaven Is Full
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven`s getting pretty close to full today, and I`ve been asked
to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what`s your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I`ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn`t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn`t you know it, he wouldn`t fall off. So finally went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn`t stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn`t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It`s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn`t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I`m here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I`m hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Nice Game of Golf
One day, Jesus, Moses and an old guy were playing golf. The hole was a short Par-3, with a small pond right in the center.
Moses walks up first, pulls out an 8-iron, and swings. The ball looks short, and is about to hit the water when Moses suddenly thrusts his arms out to both sides. The water in the pond parts, and the ball rolls along the bottom of the pond, up on the green, and eventually comes to rest about 6 inches from the pin.
Jesus takes the next shot, pulls out his 9-iron and swings. Again, the ball looks short, and looks like its going to hit the water as well. But instead, the ball bounces off the surface of the water, rolls along the top of the pond, on to the green, and stops about 3 inches from Moses's ball.
The old guy is up next. He waddles to the tee, pulls out his pitching wedge and takes half a swing. The ball slices sharply to the right, hits a tree and bounces left. It bounces off the second tree, and goes right in the pond with a resounding *bloop.* In the pond, a fish swims by and picks up the ball as its sinking in the pond, and swims it to the surface. Just as the fish comes to the top of the pond, a bird flies by and plucks the fish out of the water. The bird flies around the green with the fish (still holding the ball) about 3 or 4 times, when he swoops down toward the green. And just before the bird hits the green, the fish drops the ball right in the hole.
Jesus and Moses look astonished for a few moments, until Moses gets angry, and throws down his clubs. He gives Jesus a dirty look, and exclaims "That's it! I'm NEVER playing golf with your dad again!"
Preisthood
A man joined the preisthood. The order he joined
could not speak for seven years. Then they could only
say 2 words. The first seven years passed and they went
into a small room. His 2 word were "too cold".
The next seven years passed and they took him back into
the small room and his 2 words were "bad food".
The next seven years passed they took him back into
the small room and his 2 words were "I quit".
"Good!" they said,"all you have done is complain."
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