Jokes
Who Wears The Pants...
Jack
was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little
fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding
night in
our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and
said, "Here, try these on." So, she did and said, "These are too
big, I can't
wear them."
So I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always
will."
Ever since that night we have never had any problems.
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on
his
honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these
on." So
she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." Jack
says,
"Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't
want
you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to
Jack
and says, "Here, you try on mine." He does and says, "I can't get
into these."
Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never
will."
SUPER BOWL
Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when he gets to the stadium, he realizes his seat's in the
last row in the corner of the stadium. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp
than the field! A few moments later, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off
the field on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and walks all
the way down, avoiding security guards to snatch the empty seat. As he
sits down, he asks the guy next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting
here?" The man says, "No." Excited to be in such a great seat for the
game, Bob shouts, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed
to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to
take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Physical exercise
Physical exercise is good for you. I know
that I should do it daily,
but my body doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this
program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
You are invited to use my program without charge.
01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing my pride
05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing my weight around
07) Dragging my heels
08) Pushing my luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
Whew! What a workout!
I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Bitch
Some friends were sitting at the bar
talking about their professions.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know.... Young,
Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....Double Income, No
Kids."
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies:
"I'm a
WIFE, you now....Wash, Iron, F???, Etc."
A second gal answers their question before they even ask it: "BITCH."
"So, just exactly what is a BITCH??????????" They ask in unison.
* B- BABE
* I- IN
* T- TOTAL
* C- CONTROL of
* H- HERSELF
So ladies, next time somebody calls you "Bitch"...SMILE......and say,
"Thank You!!!!!!!!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
WHAT ARE MEN
REALLY LIKE?
Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY.
Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night
long.
Men are like.....Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
An escaped
convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25
years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into
a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the
bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his
wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it
appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room. After a few moments, husband
made his way across the room to his bride,his chair in tow, and
whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him
kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and
do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along
with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or
make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says,
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen
a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering
in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept
the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
Good Advice
from Irene Just...
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and he ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. H had eaten too much, though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed up to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor! Dead
The moral of this story is:
Never fly off the handle when you are full of shit!
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