by whitecrow

Warning: this story is rated R for homoerotic suggestion, aka Slash (yum!) If such things offend, or if it is illegal for you to read this in your part of the world, please leave now! You have been warned!

Paramount owns the boys, and Star Trek, and just about everything else. I can assure you that I am not making any money from this, just pure enjoyment.

Please keep this disclaimer and my name intact. Comments and gentle criticism welcome at

Rated: R for language and innuendo

Synopsis: Dr McCoy and a companion indulge in a little late-night drowning of sorrows.

You're sure you want to hear this story? It'll take some time. Not very nice, either. Don't know how I let you talk me into telling you. Go on, help yourself to another, though there's no more where that came from. Hey, don't stint yourself. Might as well drink it as keep it. Anyways, I hate to drink alone.

It's not very late, about 2300, 11 o'clock in the old time. Beta shift is more than half way through, then gamma shift will take over. I should be down in sickbay, keeping myself busy. That's where an old, on-the-shelf type like me belongs. But I know that I won't be able to concentrate, I'm too aware of the time.

I've tried sleeping through, even tried drugs, just to keep me unconscious. Nothing works. Sure, sometimes I've been able to make myself so busy I don't notice, especially if somebody comes in with something more than just a hangnail, some real work. Then I can become engrossed. Otherwise, I just wait.

I'm sure if he knew, if they both knew, they'd be mortified. Sure as hell wasn't what he expected when he entrusted his life and soul to me. Not to mention the encroachment on that damn precious privacy of his.

He and Jim have been lovers now for about ten days. I know. I know every time they've made love, every time Jim drives that susceptible, innocent Vulcan absolutely crazy with desire. Why do I know, you ask, my ghostly drinking companion? Because it does the same to me.

I don't know how many times a day he dreams about our captain, nor do I know whether the reverse is true. But at night, when they come together, Spock is incapable of holding his shields in the face of Jim's imperious onslaught, and all that raging passion spills out into me.

They don't know that I know they're lovers. I guess most of the crew have been suspecting it for some years now, but I always knew the truth. Both of them holding on to the glorious ideal of 'martial chivalry', that ancient Japanese notion of pure male love, seems something Sulu would understand more than Jim, but I guess it was one way out for them. To love, and know no way to declare that love. Jim couldn't speak, wouldn't speak, as long as he had that Vulcan on a pedestal. Guess he always hoped Spock'd find a wife, even if he never admitted to himself that that was an ideal.

And Spock, he'd never speak. Rather die than admit there was more to existence than mere logic. He'd just hold it all in and hope that being near Jim was enough, enough to last him for ever.

I've watched them over all the years I've known them, watched them start out as prickly cats, ease their way into a respectful friendship, then into a deepening friendship that finally made them put up these "come no closer" barriers. Each trying to protect the other from ever finding out the truth.

Still don't know the facts about what finally drew them together. Don't know what particular cataclysmic event finally made them wake up to themselves. But finally something did happen, made Jim speak out, or maybe Spock, I couldn't say. It's more likely to be Jim, though, Spock never could say no to him, especially when it was something he had his heart set on. I only know when it started.

Ten days ago, around this time.

There I was, down in Sickbay, working on the crew psych evaluations, when all of a sudden I felt this... I felt what *he* was feeling. Like a flood out of control, it was, intense, terrifying. Terrifying for him as well as me. It was the first time for him, can you believe that? Never known that... that ecstasy before, forchrissake. And it poured straight into me. I felt it, every damn thing...

That's why I'm so conscious of the hour. Happens about this time most nights.

Lessee, alpha shift finishes about 1600, Kirk comes off at around 1800. He and Spock meet up then for dinner and a game, chess, ch'ai, asumi, something like that. Then split up for some work - reports, crew schedules, that sort of stuff - then maybe a quick workout, back to quarters around 2200. Anytime between then and midnight they'll be free.

It's been three years since Spock entrusted his katra to me. Hated that at the time, hated not knowing what was going on, even though *now* I realise he was trying to tell me what to do, at the time I just couldn't understand him. Hated being manipulated, without knowing why.

Once he got it back, we both knew something fundamental had changed. For one, I didn't despise his semi-religious belief in logic anymore. I realised its strengths, as a shield against emotion. For his part, he realised that emotions aren't such a terrible thing after all, that a little feeling helps one over many difficulties, and pleasantries, in life.

So, we both learned. But although I now knew more about the way he thought, the link between us was very tenuous. I'm pretty sure that he and Jim had a stronger link, they were so often in each other's company, so often they did that mind-melding thing, that I always felt they had a connection that I didn't share.

Not that I wanted to, mind. I didn't. Not then, anyway.

So, here we are, all goin' our merry ways, as per usual, when Jim and Spock.... Well, when they become lovers. And *bang*, like a ton of bricks, the link's wide open and I can feel everything that Spock's feeling. I never expected it, you know? Three years, no hint that I'm linked to Spock in any way since he's been through the fal-tor-pan and is all back together again. So my guess, my medical opinion for what it's worth, is that only the excessive amount of feeling this is causing him has re-established whatever dormant link lies between us.

Well, under the circumstances, I'd rather not have it.

Look, don't get me wrong. I'm glad for them, glad for them both, it's just that they never meant to include me, so I'd rather not be included involuntarily. Or should I say vicariously? Guess that's really what this is all about.

I'm quite happy for them to fuck themselves stupid - pardon my language, but you might as well call a spade a spade - if that's what they want, but why do I have to be part of it? Or rather, if you're insisting on my absolute, absolute, honesty, I wouldn't mind being part of it, as long as it wasn't just mentally. Physically would be so much better.

There, I said it.

Shocked? Yeah, shocked me too, when I realised.

Huh, what's that? Why don't I just go and ask them? You whacko or something? Haven't I just got through telling you that they don't know I know? Yeah, pour me another drink, why don't you. What's this - Saurian brandy? That just might help...

Where was I? Oh, right. Look, I've never been attracted to men before, don't know that I am now. I've always liked women, liked the way they made me feel, and liked what I could do to them in return. They show their pleasure, know what I mean? Makes a man feel good. Not that I'm narrow minded, at all, god forbid. I've seen some funny matches in my time, even helped a few along. And I sure as hell don't begrudge Jim or Spock a moment of happiness, god knows they deserve it. But that's the problem, it's just between the two of them. You'd have to feel it to know what I mean. And I think that's it, really. I *feel* what they both feel, and I want some too.

This mindlink, it's like a feedback loop. Whatever Spock feels is transmitted to Jim, and what he feels is returned to Spock. Trouble is, I get it all from Spock, both sides. It's enough to drive a man to drink. Yeah, let's have another.

I mean, what I feel from them is this absolute and single-minded love. It's ....transcendant is the only word I can think of. Sure I want some. Who wouldn't? What man wouldn't give anything to be the object of that love, the recipient of that passion and desire? If you knew what I feel, what I get from them.... this aching hunger, almost more than I can bear, which they appease in each other. Oh gods, it makes me so lonely.

Y'see, it's not just feeling, as in emotions. It's feeling, as in physical. It's been getting stronger every night now, till it's got to the stage where I can feel Jim's teeth on my skin, feel my body rising to that alien touch, that hot, tight warmth surrounding my... ohhhh gods, I want him so much....

Oohhhh lord, I'm sorry. Nothin' worse than self pity, 'specially from a lonely old man....

Almost time, now. Perhaps you should be gettin' along. I don't want an audience, thanks.

What's that? Look, I don't want you to stay. Why can't you just... oh no....Sshhhh... oh geeze they're... Oh gods, please make it stop, please.....

<Silence, then the sound of weeping >

How long..... oh lord, how long must I.... I can't stand.... Oh Spock... Jim.... I love you so....