ON HOW LIFE IS
So, the last few days have been interesting for me. First off, my housewarming is on Saturday. For about a month now, i've been inviting folk. I was excited to see many of my old friends that are coming....But as the day has gotten closer...

to be continued....

my weblog
this is my weblog...it is a place where I feel like I can come and write about anything, regardless of whether or not it is immediately affecting me. So, I've been thinking a lot about relationships. Not necessarily because I want to be in one. As a matter of fact, I don't want to be in one right now..My head is way too messed up for that, but just because that's how my mind works. I think about things and they don't necessarily have to affect me.

But, as do many things, my thoughts were triggered by a realization today....
Means nothing...Just made me think a little and birthed this post.

I still have the letters
folded up like
diamonds
are forever.
But what we had
ended before it began.

I found the letters today, as I emptied out my coat pocket. I used to keep them there so that they could be close to my heart, but it has recently become calloused and cold (well, not really...it goes back and forth). And I wonder, is it time for me to learn how to let go? I mean seriously. At one time, I believed that I needed to have everything that I got in a relationship. I mean, right down to the little things like a shoelace, a pen, or even, a toy. Little things.

But what happens after it all ends, whether it is on good or bad terms? Honestly, I've never been in a more than friendship/relationship that ever ended on bad terms and I hope that never happens. Seriously, I love the fact that I can still be cordial with exs (some, moreso than others).

I broke up with my last officially labeled boyfriend four years ago( going on five) and I still have the last letter that I wrote him. But I wonder if my inability to get rid of this letter means that I still feel guilty for what I did. i mean, I broke it off. That was my mistake. In later years, my relationships were a lot more trivial (and I shouldn't even say trivial because they meant so much more to me than that..and they actually still do). But the difference between my last ex and relationships afteward was that I felt like I gave too much. I put myself into the hands of someone else, to leave my heart, at their mercy and I have the letters to look at and I just wonder: What am I holding on to? Why am I holding on to the past when they have obviously moved foward?

Maybe its time for me to let go. Maybe instead of disposal, I should invest in a safe, and keep them there. I know that something is happening and I think I am content. Neer before could I part with my past, but maybe the memories in my head are enough...


so, there are my 7th period thoughts
and my 7:33post

I'm tired again. Going to bed at Midnight is no longer an option for me. I need to be well rested for work. Today, we began the day by switching up our subjects. We usually have reading at 8th period, but because we are watching the outsiders and we watched part of it yesterday, we are reading first period so that they can watch the movie before lunch and then do math, science, and social studies after. We'll see how that works out.

I am enjoying my life right now. I really am. I had a conversation with MJ yesterday and she may come to the housewarming. That is soooooooooooo exciting. I really miss her. She's getting married next year, and I am so excited for her. At the same time, I begin to really consider whether I will ever be married. Trust me, it is not driving me mad or anything, but as I get older, the talks of being single for the rest of my life really seem to be ridiculous. I don't feel like my life would be woth it to acquire wealth and/or fame and not have anyone to make te journey a memory.

Like, when I think about people who say that they could not have done it without their soulmate, I understand how true it is. I want someone to be there when I struggle. It's no fun to go into it void of the struggle. It gives the other person a sense of security and there is comfort in that. But if together, you can understand that there may be times that things seem impossible and together, you weather it, it makes life all the more worth it.

So, I told MJ that I am still trying to go to the University of Texas for grad and she thinks that I'm going wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too far. And I feel that. But I also think that the man that I am going to be with in the future will be someone that I meet when I am there..I mean, I may not meet him...lol...but, I feel like there is no chance of a relationship for me here in Albany. Isn't that crazy?

But whatever..

Our housewarming is going to cost a grip. About $100. And I wonder, why are we spending money for people to come to OUR house? But hey, it happens.

Ok, I'm off to shoot off some emails....


peace and love...

TORN
Me'shell is in concert tonight and tomorrow...now i get an email that there will be a album party on sunday....i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo torn....i wanna go, but I'm broke...lol

guess i don't have much of an option huh?

singing...i love
with sweetness and sincerity
while you
may only
preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee tend...

lol....i don't know why that song is in my head..that's a remix by the way...

AINT THIS ABOUT A B.I
So, I got digital cable and road runner two days ago...Wednesday. We watched videos and tlc and just enjoyed having it, and then we went to bed. When we woke up on Thursday morning, we watched the news and some more music videos.

Then, Thursday afternoon, after returning from a long hard day of work...no cable, no internet...NO WAY...

So, we called time warner cable and they had the nerve to tell me that they don't have any power outtages in my area so I would have to make an appointment for Friday to see someone unless we went to our neighbors and found out whether or not they didnt have cable either (which means that we would have to assume that our neighbors had cable, and then that they didn't have direct tv or something else).

So, from 5pm until 11:30pm, Antoinette and I sat in the livingroom, on our very comfortable couches and occasionally turned on the tv to see if we would luck out...lol...

Finally, we got up and got dressed and got to the club at 12:30am.

And I was in a pissy mood. So I went to get a drink (naturally, that equate doesn't it?) and the bartender was taking soooooooooooooooo long to take my order. I mean, she would look at me and then take a different person's order everytime I tried to place mine. So, I turned to Net and told her that this was a conspiracy and the bartender was racist...lol...

well, she finally got to me:

"What can I get you sweetie"

"can I have a southern Comfort and Cranberry please?"

she brings it back

"How much do I owe you?"

"It's on T-Roy sweetie.."

"huh?"

lol....T-Roy is a bouncer at the club we went too. I don't know him at all, I just know this because a friend of mine used to tell me about him and point him out to me when we went to the club. That's the only way I would have known who T-Roy was....

and I looked for him, but he disappeared. He had been standing next to her the whole time. I paid him no mind...i mean, why would I? Don't know him or anything...

Well, I made it my duty to make eye contact with him before I walked out of the club. He was leaning against a wall, and I lipped "Thank you" as I clasped my hands and partially bowed..He smiled...Probably suprised that I knew who he was...

He made my night...

we got home at 3 or something, after details that I won't discuss, but now I'm at work. Mr. Bell came into the class room this morning saying that I was going to teach today, but he realized that I was sleeping. Turns out, we both got in around 3 this morning and today has been a very interesting day....

This evening, the cable man comes....

oh yeah, the highligh before the highlight

I won the new outcast cd that I was plannine on buying....Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I'm tired...I ought to drop my head down on this keyboard and sleep.....

lol, it'll probably be the same cable guy tonight...I think he thought I wanted to holla at him despite how I ignored him. He told me that he was from Guyana, I told him my mom was too and as he walked out, he said:

"what part of guyana?"

lol...he messed up pur cable so he could come back and continue the conversation.....

i'm gone...

HORROR SCOPES..
I don't buy into astrological theories and zodiac nonsense, btu in the last few weeks, I've been seeing some stuff that has helped me live life with a little more incite. My horoscope for today, or yesterday (I have the New York Times, Times Union, and the Daily News all at my desk. I try to read through them all daily), telling my life.

I don't remember what it said, but I know that I almost fell out of my seat. I can't believe how much art can imitate life. I mean, writing is just that, and art. And horoscopes are no different. Just a bunch of people saying "Hey, what are we gonna say about virgos today and then putting something that can be easily adopted into our daily lives on paper.
Then we go and read it and stretch wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy into our imaginations to make the horoscope seem like it was created specifically for us...lol...

well, call me silly cuz i'm buying it this week. Next week I'll be back to saying, this is just a bunch of B.S.

note to self

This is a note to myself and to all those who read about the daredevil kids that are losing their lives due to their own stupidity...

I wanna write about it. I want to get a better understanding about what a child can be thinking to engage him/or herself in such acts of destruction...so I'm gonna write about it. If I don't remind myself here, I won't remember later on....

Writing a Novel
Writing a novel takes so much out of me. It takes a whole set of dedication on my part and then I also have to deal with those writing slumps that occasionally occur.

I haven't done much by way of the novel today. I've been taking cre of a lot of financial planning. Apparently, the kids were a little crazy in my absence yesterday and today we had to do catch up.

This is my first absence and the kids really wanted me to give them a legitimate reason for my absence. I mean, I told them that i was busy minding mine, but how could I have said that I was waiting for the cable man to install my digital cable and roadrunner...

Yes, I have road runner now. YAYYYYYYYYY

I felt the need to say it. I'm really feeling kinda tired and I need something to be the center of my focus. You would think that it is writing, but I focus on that as it is, and for some reason, I can't see it as something other than my job (which by the way, I love).

And I'm thinking about running away to New York City. I want to go to the Me'shell N'degeocello concert. It's this friday. I can't believe that I am even considering missing it. The lady is amazing...

I developed some pictures the other day and I saw a pic of an old "lust" interest of mine. I just had to take a moment because he is such a handsome man. I don't know if he has matured much since we last...

but he certainly looks good. And I just began to reminisce about the olden days, when everyone thought that he and I would get married. And it's funny how things work out. It would have been a fairytale story, but it's not my life.

And um, some kids just came into the library and made me lose my train of thought.

Damn, i hate it when that happens...

My "editor" got into a car accident. That's just crazy. I mean, one minute someone is standing next to you talking about plans and the next minute, they're in an accident. Thankfully, she's ok.

Well, since I can't think of anything else to write, I guess I'll end here and later on this evening, I'll be back with more stuff....


"Labeling things can be so complicated so I don't want to label my feelings right now...but I know that I'm missing the past a lot right now...Missing what I could have been and what I gave up to become what and who I am now...I'm wondering

was it worth it?

I'm getting older and I'm even further away from being where I wanted to be by this age than I was when I was fanatasizing about this age....

peace
Today was a nice day for me. For one, I am excited because I got my road runner. Unfortunately, I wasn't also able to get a cable connection in here as well so that I could get to watch tv...But hey, the internet is more important to me.

I took a day off of work, which I hate to do. Someone needed to be here for when the cable dude came. He got here early. That was cool because it gave me the rest of the day to just relax.

I actually lay around, doing nothing, and then, I got myself ready to go and meet with my publisher at Starbucks..That was a cool thing. We discussed my work and it's possibilities. We spoke about authors taking the low road and others taking the high road. Quite often, when an author purposely writes a book that is geared towards "dumbing down" society, the low road has been taken. But is it worth it to take the high road and not sell?

Well, that's what we discussed. I'm writing a poem to urban culture, intellectual academic pursuits, and trust issues in relationships. I don't know where it's going to go. I don't know where its going to end. But i am going to take the high road and make this happen.

Also, I participated in an open mic today. I did a piece entitled "productivity comes..."
I think the people enjoyed it, and I enjoyed doing it. And it seemed to stop the masses, even those that were not actually at the function. And my voice carries, so I did my best to sound confident so that it wouldn't crack, and my ovation was amazing..So, hey, that was kinda cool.. Don't know how willing I am to do it again, but hey...I am not as terrified as I once was.

I'm home now and I still have a lot on my mind...LOL...

I was called dramatic today. Hmmmmmmmm
It's never been something that i have considered myself to be, but hey...

you learn something new about yourself everyday right?

I vent on paper and sometimes in actions. I don't believe in making a scene and I think that that in a sense, can be a way of being dramatic, but as I said before...

QUE SERA SERA

I got one of those new 20s....holla...

lol..the highlight of my night...i want to take a shot of vodka and go to bed, but that would be the alcoholic thing to do. I can't wait for November to come. It's gonna be so much fun...

Going to boston, going to see the matrix revolution, house warming, thanksgiving, election day, no school, birthdays, a lot going on...I'll probably be halfway through my new manuscript....

can't wait....


peace god

motivation

You are my motivation to forget and then to remember