News that belongs in the past
American Hobos
Lobby for Better Living Conditions
By Puns McKenna
Today was a capital day on Capitol Hill. A new lobbyist group emerged and descended on Congress to voice their complaints.
According to spokesperson, Michael Trevalyn, the homeless that populate our American alleys, riverbanks, and subway tunnels are dissatisfied with their living conditions. Their homes are made from soggy discarded cardboard, their food comes from criminally abused garbage cans, and pedestrians who travel passed the front doors of the American Hobo aren’t paying the proper consideration.
Thirty-five-year-old Nash Rigby stood before the assembly in his best rags and pled their case. He stated that 65% of all hoboes have been forced to leave their upper-class neighborhoods and take up residence in sub-standard corrugated cardboard that leaks when it rains. The stench and filth is tolerable for a few weeks, but then it begins to cause delirium.
Their demands were somewhat surprising. They weren’t crying out for white picket fences and dormer windows, though they said that might be nice. No, they wanted better quality cardboard with more room to move around in. They demanded that pedestrians pay a consideration fee for passing by their property. Then they made their real concern known. Their supply of safely edible food was dwindling fast, and they felt the government should do something about it.
Rigby cited an example of how even media personalities were jumping on the bandwagon to save the homeless. When asked specifically for names he divulged the identity of late night host Craig Ferguson and his metallic hobo friend Geoff. He pointed out that every night, the Scottish Conan guy offers his audience of hoboes free chicken after the show. He also cited other programs, like Feed Nevada as ways that the government could easily help the homeless.
Unfortunately, Mr. Rigby was unable to stay to complete his argument, as the cloud of stench around him began making others gag. Several janitors were called in to freshen the air and clean up any hazardous wastes. For the better part of two hours the floor was cleared and the room fumigated. The assembly broke up for lunch, yet one man approached the aromatic man and escorted him away to an office.
The tall senator, graying about the ears sat down in his elegant chair and gestured for Mr. Rigby and his associate to occupy the opposite chairs. When asked if he was sure, this particular senator told them that he would just replace the chairs later that afternoon. He went on to tell them that he was very much behind the cause of the hobo. He proposed to back their special interest group in return for the votes of the homeless.
Many reporters believe that this is all just an elaborate hoax to get this particular senator re-elected, but no one will know just how well it works until after the elections in November.
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