News that belongs in the past
Suck Aid Revealed
By
Grey Business
Normally something like this would fall under the purview of Grey Xphile, however the thought of him being right in a case like this is so chilling I have taken up the responsibility.
According to reliable sources a cadre of the rich and powerful, bored and indolent with the ease with which they can do anything and everything to anyone and everyone, are responsible for the latest economic woes, nicknamed Suck Aid, thanks to input from world annoyance Bono.
Apparently they decided that, just to make things interesting for everyone, themselves included, they would create a massive economic upheaval to "change the game" and possibly shake up their own membership.
The latter has certainly not happened though the rest of us are fast learning the new rules.
And we’re talking major rich here, no Hiltons allowed (not because of pornstar scion Paris but because of something someone called "Burtie" Hilton did involving a flock of geese and some motor oil) and if you’ve heard of even a surname of someone in the group it’s usually because someone had a few too many cocaine martinis and let it slip.
Even billionaire adventurist Richard Branson, looking to commercialise space itself, is but a junior member of this league, while Bill Gates is derided as being too hillbilly.
While this may sound like an exclusive club for rich white guys, there are a few Arab sheiks (mostly there for the buffet), some Asian industrialists (mostly there for the free chocolate) and a few people who want to do actual work (mostly there because they got lost on the way to the car park).
Many will wonder why anyone would be so callous as to bring about economic misery on entire nations, the sad fact is that, like Bernie Madoff, this is not a group consisting of people who consider others. They are bored and needed something interesting to happen. Where we more reasonable people would just put on a DVD or start a bar fight, they decided to mess around with the global community.
Sources reveal that economic ruin was but one option, others included war (small scale and global, apparently WWIII isn’t quite fashionable right now but remains an option), world leader related scandal (maybe not Obama but someone thought it might be nice to involve the Pope in some illegal dolphin trading), or a health scare involving another popular food.
Disappointingly Suck Aid was still not so much a matter of choice, but the roll of a dice that decided global recession. No one in the lucky club could be bothered coming up with a decent argument for or against anything, it was like sitting in on a senate debate without the benefit of an iPod.
We should count ourselves lucky, apparently they used a 20 sided dice and it
came very close to “Gelatinous Cube”.
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