Scars that no one sees.
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: [No One Mourns The Wicked] from the musical "Wicked"
Topic: confused
I'm so confused when it comes to Bek these days. One part of me is angry that she's doing this, that she's avoiding me so much. She called to invite me to Heather's thing last night. I wasn't planning on going out at all, but then Cait and Tom came and invited me to Lynette's (and since she's leaving so soon, I thought, What the hell?).
Beebo, I miss her. I miss Bek so much, it's like there's a part of me missing. But she'll come back when she wants to. She knows where I am. That I'm always here. I'm keeping my word: I will not seek her out. Which, to me, means that I won't go to Heather's when she's there, or to Mom's. Because she wants her space, and that's what I'm giving her.
But it hurts so fucking bad. So much.
I really wish I knew what was going on. All I know is that she wants nothing to do with me. So until she comes to me, and says that it's all okay or that she's ready to talk or something... we've got to be separate.
My fear: That she's planning on breaking off our friendship. We've been friends for over ten years, and I'm afraid she's going to put it all to an end for reasons I don't understand. Can't even try to understand, because she won't tell me.
FUCK! I wish I could understand this! What's going on? Why? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! ::wants to yank her own hair out::
....
This is hurting me so bad. I've talked to some people about it... but I'm still no closer to understanding. Bek's mom says it's just something she does. I know that. I know she's done this before... but the last time we fought and separated, that was for months... and I was angry right back at her. Now, I'm just hurt, sad, and confused. The anger is one part rage at my own helplessness at this whole thing, and the other part is because I don't understand....
Fuck it. I'm rambling.
....
I miss you, Bek. I wish I could make it better, somehow. But I'll honor your desire to ... keep me separate from whatever is in your head right now. But I'm going to wait for you to come to me. Because that's what you said you wanted. So....
....
There's nothing else I can do. Just wait for you. But the rest of my life has to move forward. I'm still working, still planning. It hurts so bad to not share my latest developments with you. To share my blossoming friendship with Lynette, my work frustrations, my elation towards the dream I've dusted off and am REALLY working towards this time.
....
Bek, I just... I wish you were here. I miss you. Oh, fucking hell. I miss you so bad.
....
Goodnight, anyone. Happy new year.

Too long too late too sorry I don't think I'm sorry....
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: yellowcard, CITY OF DEVILS
Topic: confused
I never planned my life past 25. I don't plan to start now.

I'm a suicide waiting to happy. I know it and so do you. It's not exactly a problem of WHEN... it's an issue of how. There are too many ways to try and get found anyway.

I don't know if I'll make it to 25. If I'm lucky.. or unlucky, however you look at it.... I'm not sure how, but I don't know if I'll get through the next four years with any ease or grace.

Yes, I'm engaged. Bek's one of the most awesome beings on the planet, so this rocks. But she's not in love with me, and every once in a while it bites me on the ass. I love Bek, but I don't think I'm in love with her either. LOL, and I think we're confusing a lot of people with this. It might be tons easier if we WERE in love with each other, clear up a lot of others questions. But I don't think we could do that, we've been friend for too long to mess something up for (blech) romance or sex. I don't think it'd work that way, lol.

I don't know where I'm going with this.
I'm keeping everything inside my head and behind my lips, and every day, my razorblade slips over my skin and so I bleed, it's what I want it's what I need, so I can feel just a little bit better, at least for now if not forever.

I don't want to feel anymore. Fuck. And mom didn't claim the money I give her on her taxes, so I couldn't get a shrink to save my life. I'm fucked.

Curses at me, all the world gives them, curses at me, what else would I deserve? Curses at me, oh how they love to fling them, curses at me, Lowest Being of this Earth.

Good night?