I wanna give you whatever you need... What is it you need? Is it within me?
Now Playing: The Cure "Us or Them"
Topic: afraid
I don't know if I say this for any real reason but to purge myself of fears...

If all that's between us is sex, I long to say, go sate yourself with someone else. Male, female, as long as you find relief and release.
How important could I be anyway..


Keith's in the room being himself, therefore this shall be cut dramatically short.

Bah.

A Knife In My Throat and a Twist of My Hand....
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: "The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes" - Fall Out Boy
Topic: empty
I'm only posting this here so I have a copy of it...
Gods, how I'd love to cut myself for this, for my stupidity at not considering he'd be against me on this. Oddly, my biggest fear was Bek's rejection. She says she wants me to be happy and means it. Tyler is so adamant against it, and I've hurt him, though I never meant to. He says he wants me to be happy... with that caustic tone I KNOW is meant to hurt and accuse me...
"There's a blade in my hand, and it's up to my throat, a thrust, a twist, and I dream no more." - me

Anyway, here's what I sent him, in hopes that, somehow, he can still love me despite my horridness and idiocy.

Tyler appears to be offline and will receive your messages after signing in.

You currently appear offline to Tyler.

Sadi: Hello, Toki. I hope you're not mad at me forever. That's actually not how I wanted to start this, but that seems to be how it's flowing. You know I love you. I don't plan to stop, nor want to. But I think we'll be able to get through this, stay strong together. We just have to find a way, find out how we can get past any anger and hurt.
Sadi: I'm sorry I didn't take your feelings into consideration before making my decision. But this is something I have to do, for myself, and - to some degree - I hope you can understand that. Can you tell me what you're afraid of? What makes you so against my decision? I honestly want to know. And I'm so very sorry I hurt you, love. I am. You have no idea how much.
Sadi: I want us to be together. And I hope we can find a way to stay together when I enlist. I want to be with you, you know how much. I don't want this to drive a wedge between us. It might. I'm so fearful that it might, that you could use this to walk away. I'm not accusing. I'm not pushing you into a fight by saying that. I'm just afraid. So fucking scared, and I hate this fear.
Sadi: Please don't let this end us. If it does, I'll find a way to deal, but I'd rather be with you, have you be mine. You are mine, now, and I want you to stay that way. Until you decide otherwise, but I hope you won't.
Sadi: I love you, Tyler. You know that, no matter what else I do, it's still true. I'll try to get a phone card this check, and we'll talk. We'll talk about our fears, and our issues, and stay strong. This is just speed-bump in the trailer park of life. I know we can find a way to handle this.
Sadi: What are you afraid of? What don't you like about me enlisting? What is making you so against what I've chosen? ...just a few of my questions, and I really do want to know.
Sadi: I love you more than my own life. Please don't walk away.
Sadi: Yours, Rebecca Ann

...and she smiles as she stabs herself...
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: the sound of silence that slaps my face
Topic: empty
I hate how I'm feeling.
I feel like shit. I want to do something else.
I don't want to get drunk, I want to bleed.

And I wish Tyler and I were in the same room so we could sort through all these things we're having problemsish with or whatthefuckever.

I sometimes wish I could go back to who I was when I was always alone and had no friends.

To weak now to fight against the current, so let me slip away....
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: "Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional is on the radio....
Topic: depressed
--To everyone who reads this and cares about me: please realize that this entry has nothing to do with you. It's what I'm feeling now, and what I'm thinking now. So please don't be hurt by it. Don't feel anything about it. Just read it, and don't care...--

I haven't felt this broken in a long time. You know, five minutes ago... I was fine. Close to fine as I get anyway. But then the right words, the right song, the right mindset... and I'm back to here. I want to bleed. I want to cry until I can't breathe. I want to scream, bellow out a song to get everything out of me.

But mostly... I want to run away. I want to go somewhere I don't know anyone, just go someplace new, and build a new life. Away from everything I've ever known, in search of something I doubt I can name right now.

Ireland would be lovely. Japan would be fun, if confusing. Canada would be funny. Mexico would be dusty and hot.

I want to run away to Alaska - a place I've never been, but always wanted to see, and I wouldn't technically be out of the United States, so I'd still have my citizenship. Why not Hawaii, I wonder - but the answer to that is simple - too many people vacation in the warm places, like Hawaii. I'd never have to worry about bumping into someone I know in Alaska. It'd be cold. As cold as my heart. And maybe I'd feel some kind of freedom away from everything I'd ever known and everything that's plagueing my thoughts.

Gods, how I want to cut myself. I would, were my knife sharper. But the fucker's dull, and it's not time to try to sharpen it now. Why give into the weakness? I've been fighting so hard... Why is it my first instinct is to cut, and the second to run away, and only the third to write, or talk it out with someone? Why? Am I really that fucked up? What the hell is wrong with me?!

Then again, I look at these thoughts, and realize why I'm going into therapy.... Gods, I hate this, I hate these feelings... I hate feeling at all sometimes.... Everything hurts... Kills me inside, slowly, so slowly, bit by precious bit...

You know... there was a time, years ago, when it was so easy to go dead inside and not feel. That takes a wee bit of work now, a little anger, and the silence comes over me and nothing touches me. Nothing hurts. I just stop feeling. It's so quiet in my head for that little bit of time, as long as the anger's involved. If not.. I've got the dead-inside feeling, and all the thoughts are slow, like they've been drugged.....

I miss unfeeling, sometimes. It went hand-in-hand with uncaring. Unfeeling and uncaring, two best friends... But I have to be human, I have to feel.... So Unfeeling went into the hospital, it comes in and out of its coma... And Uncaring... shares the bed with Unfeeling, occasionally slipping into deepest sleep as it waits for its friend to come back.... Is there a chance it could ever come back, my Unfeeling? I miss it sometimes, and that in itself is a feeling... fuck...

Is there a point to my ramblings tonight? Is there? Or am I just getting all these thoughts out of my head, so I can feel sane again, just a little bit? Just a LITTLE BIT?!?!? ...sanity hates me just like sleep does.... I'll never be sane, never even be close to normal.... I hate this as much as I cherish it....

Gods.... why does everything have to hurt so much so often?

I'm broken on the inside now... I just want to sleep, but I can't.... I want my thoughts to shut off, and the only way I know to get that is to cut myself for a bit of lasting relief, or burn myself for a quick fix... Gods..... What can I do? What in the name of goodness can I do?

I don't want to talk anymore. I'm too busy trying not to cry. I'll write again at a later date.

(final note to Yasi... if you read this, that is... if you think Tyler should know what was said here... let him read it... copy and paste it into an email, or something.... or let him come here, to my dark place, if you have to... that's up to you....)

i wish i was dead
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Good Charlotte - "Waldorfworldwide"
Topic: empty
I hurt Tyler.
I should be dead.
I wish I was dead.
Fuck.
And the tears keep trying to spill out of me.
i don't want to write about this, because i don't know how to explain it.... i wish i did... but i couldn't explain it to him, how can i explain it to the rest? let alone stupid fucking moronic idiotic ME...

I wish I had a blade sharp enough to kill me.

i'm so blind, i'm out of time, you're so unkind sometimes....
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Good Charlotte -
Dear Journal,
...It's too damn quiet in my head these days. Not that there aren't a billion thoughts, oh, no, those never leave me. I think they like me a bit too much, they never like to leave.
Fuck. I don't know how to explain this.... It's like, despite all my thoughts, everything's covered in a blanket of snow. It's hushed, it's muffled, it's quiet. The thoughts are there. But I'm standing on top of that snowy hill, waiting to hear something, waiting for someone to hear me.... And rarely does anyone ever. Yasi does, sometimes, when I decide to let what's on my mind out. >rarely< But I just normally keep every fucking thought in my head, don't let them out, don't show the vulnerability.
*~*~*~
And when Tyler's on and he's talking to me, anything bad gets shoved back so as not to ruin the time with him, the happy time...
He didn't want to talk with me today. And that's fine... I'd just really wanted to have some happy time today. So now, I'm tired, I'm lonely, and I want something to do, DAMMIT!!!
WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF LIVING IN THIS HOUSE WITH NO PURPOSE?!?! WHAT!!!!! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, I HATE THIS!!! I JUST WANT TO CUT MYSELF OPEN, BLEED UNTIL I CAN'T FEEL ANYMORE!!! THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO, IT'S WHAT I FEEL I NEED TO DO!!!!
...but for yasi... for tyler... and even a little bit for me... i haven't.
*~*~*~
Tina never really seems to want me here. I don't know why I'm here, and I don't know how to get anywhere else. I just feel like there's no point to me, no purpose.
*~*~*~
GAHH HOW I WANT TO BLEED!!!!! I WANT TO STOP TRYING TO BE PERFECT, I JUST WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING ELSE!!! I WANT THAT CALM, THAT TEMPORARY ELATION, THAT LITTLE HEALING THAT'S THE BLADE IN MY SKIN, THE STING, THE PAIN, THE RUSH OF GOOD FEELINGS, AND MAYBE EVEN THE SILENCE OF MADNESS/CONFUSION/WORTHLESSNESS THAT DAMN NEAR CONSTANTLY FILLS ME THESE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!
*~*~*~
Almost the only time I feel good inside, about myself, my life, anything... is when I'm talking to Tyler.
Or Bek.
Or both at once.
But it's rarely on my own.
I'm so tired of this shit, I just want to feel better, I just want to feel happier. I can't wait until I go see Michelle again. She was a good therapist, I felt that she understood me. I felt that she helped me. I'm just so tired....
*~*~*~
Xanga is certainly a decent diversion, but this is where my scary thoughts go. The ones I'd never put where someone else can read, where I never have to restrain myself from full-fledged pity party to angry rant.....
*~*~*~
....i'm just so tired of all this bullshit.
What would I give to already be at that place of me and Bek's? I wouldn't even care if Jonathan was over all the time, he could come visit.... I just want MY place. OUR place. A place where neither of us would have to worry, where we both know we're wanted, where we don't have to hide any part of ourselves, cuz, fuck - HEY IT'S US. She understands me as I do her... and we just need our own fucking place away from the madness, the idiocy, the cruelty, the incomprehensibleness - of everybody else....
*~*~*~
Yasi, when are we going to get to be happy?
*~*~*~
I wish... so many things I wish... and you know what? Sometimes I think all of them are much too stupid to be put here.... Like how I wish somebody'd just give me and Bek the money we need to be happy forever... That Tyler could be here, be with me, so all three of us (four counting Jonathan) could be happy together.... I just wish I could be happy, and Bek could be happy, and Tyler could be happy, and Jonathan could be happy... that we all could be happy together....
*~*~*~
I know this is a long ass entry, but I look at it this way... I've kept myself away from here for a long time, I deserve a fucking rant, dammit, I DESERVE IT. And every second I type is another second I don't go for my blade.....
*~*~*~
Fuck it, I'm going to try to eat something or something. I don't know.
I just don't want to type anymore. And if I cut myself.... Oh fucking well.

::shrugs::
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: does it really matter what I'm listening to? none of you can hear it....
I'm stuck in a land of I DON'T CARE, and I don't care if I come out of it right now or not. Well, to clarify, I care if it kills Bek's happy. But otherwise, meh, ::shrugs:: fuck it.
I don't even know why I feel this way. I just do. I don't know where it came from, it just hit me while Bek was talking to Jonathan on the phone for some reason... what were we/they saying? But I woke up with it after my nap, and I still don't care...
Woke up from my nap with Skuishie beside me... Care and don't... poor not-eating kitty.... Maybe she's depressed... just like me...
And now Angel is here... who knows when he'll be leaving, he never likes to leave, and more often then not I don't like it when he stays... Idiot boy...
The book Mike's letting me read is really good, good characters and the like, makes me think and stuff...

Maybe my problem is, I don't know what's going on anymore. Too much living in this pretend world where nothing's wrong, and we all wear smiles and want to cry when we think no one can hear us.... I don't know...
Maybe it's just cuz I've forgotten the feeling of safety, of comfort, of security I used to feel thinking of falling asleep in Tyler's arms... I haven't spoken with him in so long.. It's maddening... I keep waiting for him to say something, ANYTHING in my xanga, in an email, in anything... and he doesn't... So I just wait... And the letter I promised him isn't anywhere in coming... I'm just lost in a sea of confusion too often that I can't escape from.... Dammit...
Now Bek's going to bed... I don't want to be awake another night alone... Oddly.. part of me thinks it's better if we're both awake, even if she's just sitting on the computer, because then I don't feel so alone...
I hate feeling alone...
I don't want to write anymore. Good night.

A Beautiful Somewhere?
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: "Believe"Empty Apartment" by Yellowcard
I'm not feeling again right now. It's just cold and dead in my heart, in my mind... and it's hurting me...
There's so much I'm hiding inside these days... So much I can't say... And in the little moments when I slip and let the barriers fall... Bek can see, she can tell... and she asks me what's on my mind... And just then, I can't tell her, I don't know... So I think of the first thing that's been bugging me for any length of time, and mention that... she might be interested in it or not, it doesn't matter, it's just something stupid and little and something enough to make her think i'm okay again for a little while....
maybe she knows i'm faking it... i don't know... i try so hard to keep living everyday, you know? to not feel dead all the time, to try and care about things... menial or important... and too often i just want to go back to sleep and forget that i ever existed...
i'm sorry, everyone... i'm sorry i'm so fucked up... i'm sorry i can't make you happy... i'm sorry i'm not who/how you want me to be, dad..... i'm sorry for everything i've ever done to anyone that caused them a moment's pain....
...mostly i'm sorry i've existed...
and don't i just sound like a stupid bag of shit? i do, you can read it... oh, i'm rebecca and my life is so bad, i have food to eat and water to drink and a roof over my head, waaah wahh everything is always so bad...
goddamn it what the hell is going on with me....
it's like i'm fighting in my head all the time.. so much to keep in... so much to stifle... so hard not to take up my knife and bleed out all my problems again... oh, how i long to cut... so hard not to, so damn hard...
Aren't we all supposed to make ourselves "happy" and "normal"?? if so, why the hell can't i seem to get that for more than a short while?
tyler, he helps me feel happy... being around bek makes me feel happy.... talking to adam makes me feel happy... but too much kills that happiness and replaces it with misery... and then i go dead inside to battle that...
and then i'm back where i started
something just make all the bad things stop and make all the pain go away
all i want is to be loved, and happy.. well, honestly, not just that, but at the core, that's what i want... and why the hell is that the hardest thing to find???????
i'm tired now... i've been tired for hours, yet unable to sleep.. i'm going to go read now...
good night....

life... hate it
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: "View From Heaven" Yellowcard
It's kind of like... unfeeling... you know? Where there's nothing there but emptiness, or an anger that I can't understand.... I don't want to think of where the anger spawns, that would make any chance of a good mood go away....
Maybe happiness will find me one day...
you know the bullshit is, they always tell you YOU HAVE TO MAKE YOUR HAPPINESS, IT DOESN'T JUST FIND YOU, THAT'S NOT HOW IT HAPPENS.
And I wonder, WHY THE FUCK NOT?!?!?! Why can't you just stumble across happiness one of these days, and then everything at least FEELS better, whether or not it really is? That's what I wonder....
You know... I want to be happy.... I just don't want to have to spill all my deepest thoughts and secrets to do it.... I don't want to jam more pills down my throat to make a "balance" in my mind.... I'm so sick of this psychobabble bullshit....
I just feel so dead inside.
Little tiny times of happiness come and go... But they always go... So far away... and take so long to come back....
And too few people understand the ways I feel....
So many times, those who think they understand, those who think they know me - those who I've let in, who I've shown so much to - don't know what's going on, don't know what's going wrong. I just hide it, lock it inside, and make myself smile - one that doesn't look fake. I shove back the misery for a while, and look at something else.
So many times are like that....
It was like that last night.... I was needing to talk.... I was so empty inside and I wanted so much to come out.... and I kept it all in and didn't tell anything....
I just want to die. Is that so wrong? It's that simple, you know?
I really hope there is nothing after life. I don't want this. I don't want to remember this life. Sure, I'd like a headstone, so others who still live can remember me. But after life..... I just want to be dead. Nothing. No more. Just gone.
I used to think I wanted to be reincarnated again so I could keep trying to make things right... but I think I'm just fucking up... mebbe repeating the same old dumbass human mistakes....
I keep breathing... I keep dreaming... Do I even live though?
I need to go for a walk.

i'm an idiot - what's new?
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: "Empty Apartment" by Yellowcard
How am I supposed to know
When you say you want to be alone
That I'm supposed to chase you down?
How was I to see
That you were lonely
Behind your smile, you frowned?
~
I can't know everything....
~
I'm such an idiot, sometimes. But I let you be. I let you heal in your own time, Bek, because I just assume that's what you want. I assume you know what's best for you. And you've always told me that being left alone is what's best for you when you're in Those Moods. So I leave you be. I let you pretend you're okay. I let you go for your Walks. I let you be in your head because I think that you don't want my intrusion bothering your solitude.
~
But I guess there are times when you want someone to chase you down and make you talk. But how the hell am I supposed to know when those times are? I don't know.... I can't know. I'm just another stupid human in the void, right? Just another one of those lonesome people doing nothing but leading an unproductive life....
There are times when I know you're down. And in those times, because I don't know anything else I can think of to do to help make you feel better, I offer you a hug. Partly because I want to hug you and offer you comfort that (partly) comforts me (in the knowledge that I can do *something*), the rest because I hope it helps you to know I'm here and I care. But I rarely to *never* get to even do that.
So what am I supposed to think? What?
I want to be here. Hell, I AM HERE. But how am I supposed to know the times I supposed to chase you down, to nag you, to badger you, to make you talk, when you won't tell me them? When, in my stupidity, I can't really remember a time that you've told me that you really wanted me/anyone to come get you to help you feel better?
As far as you show, you're a solitary creature when you have problems. And you tell damn near everybody that you prefer it that way.
I don't know what to think about that anymore.... I just don't know. I don't know what to think about it, what to feel about it. I don't know....
~
I don't know just seems to be my fucking mantra of the week....
~
I can't talk to you about this. It's something you have to approach me about. If you choose to, that's your choice. If you read this, it's your choice - same as me writing about it is my choice.
~
I'm sorry I'm not the greatest of friends; that I didn't realize. But I'm no superhero. I'm just human.
I'm your Twinn. I always will be. But there are some things you just have to let me in on, Boo. And this is one of them. You know I love you, just as you are. But there are some things you have to tell me if you want me to understand.
~
Huh, fuck, funny, yet another letter that I've written this week that I won't be sending....