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My sister and I walk in silence. I don't know what to say to her. I haven't told her that Faith and I fought, or that I broke down in front of her. But it's nice to hang out with Dawn anyway. We went to the Magic Box to borrow some swords for my back yard training. Just as an excuse to walk someplace. Then again, training is just an excuse for Giles and I to spend time together. And the back yard seems to be what I'm reduced to. I think of the Magic Box as Faith's training space now. Which is so not fair.
Now we're headed for home and I still haven't thought of a thing to say. I feel so confused and helpless... like I'm on the edge of giving up. I love my sister so much. I worry so much about her and Faith.
Did the ground just tremble?
I'm so mad at Faith. No... that's not really fair. I'm mad at myself. For breaking down in front of Faith and making a fool of myself. Why did she have to start in on me like that? And when she hurt me... why did she have to care? I can't even be mad at Faith anymore without feeling guilty. With Spike and the Trio gone, I thought Faith being evil was the one thing I could be sure of. But since when was life that simple? For a Slayer, never.
I can't stop doubting Faith, not after how totally she's betrayed me in the past. At the end of the day, she's probably still crazy and always will be. But I can't pretend that's all there is to her, either.
"Buffy... what's wrong?"
I sigh. "Stuff. Faith..."
Dawn's voice turns cold. "I love Faith. There's nothing you can say that will make any difference, so don't bother. I love her!"
"I know, sweetie. She loves you too. Hard to believe she has it in her."
Dawn looks surprised and takes my hand, softening. "Thanks for talking to Giles about her. About being more careful."
I guess Faith tells my sister everything. "Pretty sure it only pissed her off."
Dawn smiles to herself. "Yeah, it did. Big time. But you did what needed to be done." She looks at me. "Like you always do. We all know we can count on you for that, Buffy. You know that, right...? You know there's nothing about you that Faith could ever replace?"
I shrug, but I let an embarrassed smile slip out. It's not entirely true, but still nice to hear.
"So what's the big trauma that just happened? Faith looked upset... Did you two get in another fight?"
"Something like that."
She scolds me. "You know, you two should be friends. You guys make me crazy! You're on the same side for once!"
"I get that. But we tried the friends thing once upon a time. We just... rub each other the wrong way I guess. Maybe there's some rule that two Slayers can't ever get along for more than a week. Maybe that's just how it is."
"I'll tell you how it is. You're jealous of each other."
"What?" Does everyone see right through me?
"You're jealous of everybody being her friend now, and how good a Slayer she is, and how she can deal with whatever comes up... and I don't know what all. And it's just stupid."
"OK, if you're so smart, what's she jealous of?"
"The same stupid things! You're her hero, Buffy, in case you didn't know! You're the only person in the world she looks up to. 'Cept maybe her Watcher who died."
I shake my head, denying it. Dawn knows Faith better than anyone, but... she looks up to me? That's a stretch.
The ground starts to shake, harder.
Dawn is alarmed. "Earthquake!" Somehow she's never gotten used to the occasional California tremor.
The shaking subsides. I squeeze her hand. "Just a little one."
"Give me one of those."
I cautiously hand her one of the two swords. "Don't think it'll do you much good against tectonic plates, Dawnie."
She swings the sword around, clearly having fun. "Buffy–"
"No." Mom voice.
"What? I was going to say, you could just give me this sword for my birthday. I bet Giles and Anya would sell it cheap!"
"And what would you do with a sword?" I can't believe we're having this conversation again.
"You'd train me to fight. So I help y–... So I could defend myself!" But Dawn knows it's hopeless.
"And that brings us to the 'No.' If you'd said it was for making giant peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, that would have been a different story."
"You never want me in on your fun! If Mom was here, I'd tell on you so fast!"
"Mom would never let you near a sword. Besides, you're in on the fun and you know it. You're the Number One Research Scooby!"
Another tremor. Stronger. But Dawn's too frustrated to notice. "No, that's Willow. Who also gets to help you go after monsters. Like she did when she was... oh, I don't know... my age?"
"Only occasionally."
"Come on, Buffy! I would so be better in a fight than Willow! Or Xander, or Sp–" She stops, not wanting to remind me of Spike. "Or... or Anya."
"Don't speak too soon. Anya's a demon again. Super strength and all."
Dawn stops in her tracks. "No she's not, we just saw her at the Magic Box!"
I sigh, and fill Dawn in on one more little problem in my life. "She's still wearing a white hat as near as we can tell... and you and me are pretty safe since we're not men. But she's a vengeance demon, I'm sure of it. She turned back after the wedding."
Dawn shakes her head, worried. She's a romantic. Expects a happy ending for everyone. "Does Xander–"
"He knows. That's why he's been in hermit mode lately."
Dawn's eyes get big. "She tried to get me to say the 'W' word last week!"
Wish. "Then I'm glad you know better!" We veer off the sidewalk to cut across a graveyard.
"I guess I just have an instinct for handling demons." I tried to change the subject, but she's steering me back to the fighting thing!
"I'm going to take a shortcut here, Dawnie, and bring us right back to 'No.' And I know Faith has told you the same thing."
"About a million times." She sighs. "But I help her carve stakes! And anyway–" She stumbles as the ground lurches suddenly, and lets go of her sword.
The ground shakes harder. And harder. "Dawn!" I almost fall over too, dropping my sword, but I manage to drag her out of the way of trees and tall graves. I don't think this quake is one of the little ones!
And then in an instant it stops. No more shaking. The earth is still. Or sort of... tilting?
"Buffy!" She grabs both my hands as the ground sinks around us.
We try to scramble out of the deepening pit but it's no use. The ground is collapsing! Fast! "Hold on Dawn!"
We bounce and slide, choking on dirt, ending up pretty well battered at the bottom of a deep chasm. Must by forty feet down at least. We're surrounded by debris and coffins.
First one sword then the other drops after us as the hole crumbles wider. One of them nearly runs my sister through!
We dust ourselves off, fearful that more will collapse on us. Great! We're stuck down here. For some reason I'm imagining Willow's voice. Amazingly clear. "The Earth wants you back."
"Help!" calls Dawn, squinting up at the hole. I join her. "Hey! We need a rope down here!"
But it doesn't take long to realize that no help is coming. We're on our own. Dawn thinks this cave might connect with tunnels that end up at Spike's place, but that's wishful thinking. The best we can do is stack coffins and climb–if the tremors don't come back! Dawn could never even make it to the top. But I can get a rope and come back for–
Part of the cave's dirt wall suddenly explodes outward. Another tremor?
Nope. My demon alarm goes off. Otherwise known as the Dawn Summers Shriek. Something that looks like tree roots is coming to life, tearing free from the soil and charging toward us.
I shove Dawn behind me, grab a sword, and hack at the creature once, twice... make it three times. It stops moving.
But another one springs out of the dirt. And another... and another! Dawn screams again, terrified. I switch into full combat mode, defending my sister on all sides as the root monsters just keep coming.
But I'm losing.
"Dawn–there's too many of them!" I hand her the other sword. "I need your help!"
Dawn takes a deep breath, and something changes in her face when she takes the blade. Panic turns to something like determination. "I've got your back."
A monster charges her and she falls into a somersault... without losing her sword. I gape at her little stunt, which buys me time to take out two more demons and get to her side.
Almost. I can't get between her and the claws lunging for her throat. "Dawn!"
Without even blinking, Dawn runs the creature through, then lops its head off in one motion. The fastest way to stop it. She didn't even pause to think about it! I stare at her in disbelief.
She notices. "What? You think I never watched you fight?"
I feel a warm glow. The same feeling I get when I'm fighting a vamp bare-handed and stumble across a sharp piece of wood. The feeling that the tables have turned, and I'm in charge. The feeling of having an ally I can count on.
Let's finish this thing. Dawn and I attack together. She helps when I need it. More importantly, she stays out of the way when I don't. Without any training, she holds her own. And the way she's put her fear aside would make any Slayer proud!
They're no match for us, and there are only so many roots around. Eventually they stop coming.
We lower our swords, gradually catching our breath.
"I... I think it's over Buffy..." she says, a smile spreading over her face. "We made it!"
I stare at her, amazed at what I just saw my baby sister do. How can this be little Dawnie?
And then I'm crying. I don't even know what for. For everything! For Mom, for dying and leaving Dawn alone, for coming back and not knowing how to be alive anymore. For the pure joy of having friends and family like Dawn to help me face it all.
"Sorry to disappoint you!" She's exasperated. I cry harder.
"Wait..." she says, "is... is that happy crying?"
"Yes, dummy! You think I wanted to die?!"
"I don't know," she says, sadly. "Didn't you?"
No! And... yes. A little bit yes. Ever since I came back, a part of me has wanted to be dead again. A part of me has wanted to leave Dawn and my friends and my responsibilities and be back in Heaven again. And of course Dawn knows that. I think I can begin to see now how that must make her feel.
"Dawn... I'm so sorry!... I'm sorry..." We embrace, and I sob on her shoulder, letting out so much that I've hidden from her.
"It's OK, Buffy... It's OK."
"No," I weep. "It hasn't been. It hasn't been OK." I look into my sister's eyes and make a promise. "But it's gonna be now. I see it!"
"See what?" she looks like she's about to cry too.
"You!" She's so much more than I gave her credit for! With Mom gone I felt like I would always have to be the strong one. She'd always be the baby. But she can take of herself. She can take care of her heart. She can even take care of Faith, I'll bet. "Things have really sucked lately. That's all gonna change. And I'm gonna be there when it does... I want to see you grow up... the woman you're going to become... because she's going to be beautiful! And she's going to be powerful!" And she will be. I don't know how I know it, but I do. "I got it so wrong! I don't want to protect you from the world... I want to show it to you!... There's so much that I want to show you!" We hug again. Tight.
I feel light in a way I haven't for a long, long time. "Dawn... thank you." And in my head I thank Tara, too, for helping me get to this point. And yeah... even Faith.
I look up at the gap of blue sky far above. It'll be a hell of a climb. I do believe my sister can make it!
Buffy and Dawn have been gone a while, but it gives Red a chance to show me the stuff hidden away for Dawn's birthday tomorrow. Xander made a couple of banners. Tara made a cake using Dawn's own recipe–which means Dawn and I are the only ones who will actually like it! And Willow shows me what she and Tara have worked so hard–and gone through so much–to give to Dawn. A little box.
It's wood. Carved. Looks old. I undo the tiny latch. Inside, is.... nothing.
"So is your gift invisible, or did B finally convince you not to go ahead with this?"
Willow takes the box back and shuts the lid. "The box is the gift. There's a lot of Tara's magic in there. Power to reveal the Key. Maybe more about the Key than the Key wants to know. But only in Dawn's hands. For the rest of us, it's just... a box."
Wow. For better or worse, Sweet Sixteen is looking like it's gonna be a pretty big day for my Dawnie.
But there's still no sign of the package I'm expecting. Damn it! I told them it had to be here by tomorrow!
Hanging out with Red like this, or Tara, or Giles... kinda makes me feel like one of the gang. One of the good guys again. Someone who can be trusted. Thing is, I don't quite feel like I deserve that. Not even when I have Dawn's love. She believes in me through and through–but she never saw me at my very worst.
Only Buffy has seen the darkest I've gone. Trying to turn Angel evil, just to hurt her on the inside... and then help him torture her to death on the outside. That's not the kind of thing you can forgive. I don't forgive myself for it. You can say I was crazy. And I was. But it was still me in there, lashing out. Not because Buffy didn't care... but because she did.
What I want more than anything is for Buffy to care again, just a little. That's as close to forgiveness as I could ever ask. I need Buffy's trust, not her constant reminder that I might turn evil again. Not pretend trust, like letting Dawn stay over–with a death threat in my ear. Not playing nice just for her sister's sake. I crave real trust from Buffy. Then maybe I can really put things behind me... maybe feel like I'm myself again. But I don't blame her for not giving that to me. It wasn't too long ago I was doing black magic on Dawn. Out of love! And Buffy knows better than anyone that I have more than just love in me. I have hate and rage and resentment. A lifetime's worth. So no matter what everyone else thinks, Buffy's opinon of me matters more.
Speak of the devil... We hear the front door open. Willow hastily hides the banner and the box under her bed. I don't feel like facing Buffy again, but Dawn's another matter. I hope they had the chance to talk some things through.
I hesitate at the top of the stairs, but when I see the Summers sisters I push past Willow and race to Dawn's side. Her cheek is scraped, and her wrist has a nasty bruise. Her clothes are torn. Buffy's too. They're both covered with dirt–except for tear tracks on their faces. But... they look almost happy about it!
"Dawn! What happened! Are you OK?" Dawn smiles and nods. Buffy and I make eye contact, awkwardly. "What's going on, B?"
Buffy smiles too. "Your girlfriend just kicked some ass, that's what happened." Dawn beams proudly.
"I don't understand, what–"
Dawn interrupts. "There was an earthquake! Or something. Did you guys feel it? We got totally sucked underground! And these demons made of roots started coming out of nowhere! Like about a hundred of 'em! And we had swords from Anya, and we totally killed all of them! Not just Buffy, me too! You can ask Buffy!"
I do not like the sound of this. What the hell was Dawn doing in a battle? Buffy smiles proudly at her sister. "It's true. She's a natural with a sword. Good thing, too! Underground was not a friendly place to be today!"
"Oh.... god..."
I turn to find Willow slumped on the stairs, trembling, shaking her head in denial. "Red?"
"No.... god no... I didn't mean.... oh god!"
Buffy kneels beside Will, shaking her head in denial. "Will... did you do this?"
"I didn't mean to! I didn't even know I was doing magic!" Willow begins to cry, and Dawn looks on wide-eyed.
Buffy looks angry. "The Earth wants me back?" The very words Willow read just before the quake!
Willow stares at her in horror. "The spell went after you! Because I took you out of the Earth! Buffy... Dawnie... I'm so sorry! So, so, sorry!"
Dawn falls to her knees, crying even harder than Willow. I hold her head to my stomach, confused, and she puts her arms around my waist, shaken by silent sobs. "Baby," I say, softly, "what is it?"
"Tara's going to leave Willow again!"
I pound on the door. "Giles! Giles are you home?"
The door opens. He's moved back into his old place. "Dawn! What's wrong? What's happened?"
He leads me in, followed by Buffy and Faith carrying stacks of books. All the magic stuff Tara had at our house.
Willow hangs back, looking so sad and lost. "Giles... I'm sorry. I never meant for it to happen."
That gets his attention. "Willow... Never meant for what to happen?"
She reluctantly follows us in. We all know Giles is gonna lay into her pretty good. But he's the only one who can tell us what happened before Tara finds out.
Willow explains the whole thing, crying softly. "Oh god, what will Tara do when I tell her? How can I even tell her? Dawn and Buffy could have died! What's wrong with me?"
Giles takes off his glasses wearily. He doesn't even bother looking at the book Willow was reading when she did the spell. It's straight to the lecture. "I was afraid something like this would happen."
Willow is so scared. "But Giles, I didn't even know I was doing a spell! It was just some words I liked!"
"Willow, spells focus energies. You say words... they focus power in your mind, and forces outside of you as well. But you don't need spells anymore, Willow. You don't even need words. Those forces exist around you, and within you, every single moment of every day. And you are at the point where your thoughts alone can influence them."
"But I haven't been doing magic! Not for months!"
"I wish it could be that simple. But you are magic. It's not like an addiction, it's not something you can just give up. In someone with your level of power, the magic will only build up, spreading further and further beyond your conscious control."
"My level of power..."
"Yes. I've been increasingly worried since I've returned. I've been in touch with a coven in Devon. A very old, very powerful, and very wise group of women. The ones who once set me on the right path when I was losing myself in the dark arts. They can sense your power across a continent and an ocean."
"I'm not that powerful, Giles! I can't be! I'm just... Willow!"
Giles polishes his glasses carefully. "Willow, there's a very ancient word that the coven used to describe a witch like you. Veneficus. Have you heard that word before?"
Willow shrugs. "I guess I may have seen it in some latin texts."
"It's what you are... and it's not something I envy. Its meanings are ancient and complex: it can be translated as magic, or witch... or poison. In essence, it means that you, by yourself, command enough power to destroy the entire world. It's the highest level of power a human being can possess and still be a human being."
Willow shakes her head. "No! Not me, I could never...! I don't have anywhere near that kind of power!"
"But you could, Willow, if you wanted it. Or if it wanted you. It's waiting for you, Willow. And not all of it is white magic. You are surrounded by power and darkness, and nothing can ever lift that burden from you. The power is a part of you, and you're virtually untrained. You've seen how easy it is to slip. Think what could happen if you faced a sudden shock... if your life were threatened, or if tragedy struck. The darkness could take you over completely. You wouldn't even be Willow anymore. You'd be pure, deadly power. Your humanity just might give way... to veneficus."
Faith doesn't buy it. "No way! Talk about overreacting! Red's no slouch with the spells, but she can't be this... uber-witch thing! So she brought some yard waste to life–"
"Far from herself," Giles interrupts.
"–and shook things up a little–"
"A lot," says Giles, pointing to the box full of things that fell of his shelves and broke.
"Well still, it's not end-of-the-world black magic!" I hold Faith's hand and nod in agreement. There has to be some way out for Willow!
"But next time, it could be," says Giles. "This confirms my worst fears. There have been only a handful of people with this kind of power in the history of humanity. Every one of them has lost control of the energies and destroyed herself. Which is probably why the world is still here. And you, Willow, may possibly be the most powerful witch in history. I can think of no greater curse. Willow... I'm so terribly sorry." At least he's not mad. But this is so scary!
Buffy rubs Willow's hands. "Will, we can get through this!" she says, looking at Giles pleadingly.
But this is the straw that will break the camel's back, for Tara. This is worse than some memory spell. I wonder if Tara will even dare to visit me again? I start to cry. "I want you guys to stay together!"
Willow looks at Giles, pure desperation in her eyes. "What can I do? Giles! Do I have to kill myself? I won't let my friends get hurt!"
Faith looks alarmed. "Jeez, Red! Back up a step! It wasn't that big a deal!" A change of tune from how Faith chewed Willow out on the way here, for putting me in danger.
"Willow," says Giles gently, "the coven may be able to help. You've never received formal Wiccan training. And you do have two advantages that other witches in your situation have lacked."
The door clicks open. "I thought I heard you guys!" Tara's peeking in. Oh no! "Nobody was home... you weren't at the magic shop... Xander didn't know where you were all off to... what's up?" She notices Willow's expression and rushes over to her, kneeling in front of her and taking her hands. "Willow!"
Willow breaks down, weeping so hard she can barely speak. "Tara! Tara! Don't leave me! I didn't mean... it wasn't even hardly a spell! ...Buffy and Dawn are OK... I won't let it happen again, I mean it this time! ...Please, baby! Don't leave me again!"
Tara shrinks, her eyes filling with tears of loss. This is just what she's feared. She told me so. She's been so afraid that coming back to Willow would make Willow get into magic again. Why can't they just be OK together? It's so unfair!
Tara's lip trembles and she struggles to speak, still holding her lover's hands but sitting back... like she's afraid of Willow. "Baby... what happened?" She looks at Buffy. At me. At Giles.
Giles looks down and softly speaks the word. "Veneficus."
Tara drops Willow's hands, her face pale, staring at her now-ex-girlfriend in shock. I start to cry again and Faith holds me tight.
Giles continues. "Willow did a powerful spell without even knowing it. Buffy and Dawn were nearly killed."
Tears are running down Tara's face. "I'm so sorry, Willow," she says when she can find her voice.
"Baby..." sobs Willow. "Baby... don't go away..." Buffy's crying a little too.
Tara continues quietly, putting a gentle hand on Willow's knee. "Willow, you forced me to leave before. You wouldn't even accept that you had a problem. You used magic against me!"
"I know! I know, I'm sorry, Tara! But I know I have a problem, now. I know I'm dangerous!"
Giles interrupts quietly. "That is one of the two advantages you have in dealing with this."
"Yes," says Tara. "You do know. So then why–" she takes Willow's hand again "–why would I leave you now? Darling? How could I do that?" She pulls Willow gently down to kneel beside her, and holds her shaking in her arms. "This power is your responsibility, Willow, but it's not your fault! We'll deal with this together, sweetie. Together. Somehow. I'm not going to leave you."
My tears change to pure relief, and I feel the tension suddenly leave Faith. Her cheek is wet when it touches mine.
Willow and Tara embrace, crying together. Tara runs her hand through Willow's hair. "Shhh... You're not alone, baby. You have me. Always."
"And that," says Giles, "is the other."
~ Continue to Episode 19 – Understanding ~
If you enjoyed this story, try CV. Buffy agrees to a meeting with someone from her past. It's not what she expected. (Faith/Buffy. Faith and Dawn have a very different relationship in that story.)
I always appreciate feedback in my Guestbook, or by email. Reader responses will determine whether I publish more stories, and will help improve them! Thanks for reading! (If you'd like to be notified when I post new stories, let me know.)
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