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Dawn jumps up and I catch her, legs around my waist. "How awesome is this?" she says. "Our own little hideaway again, just like in Boston!"
"Pretty awesome." I press my cheek to hers and hold her head to me. Buffy must have lost her mind, but I don't care. Dawn's here! All night! "Kind of a dump, too, just like Boston. The sheets are a nice touch though." Dawn's colorful cartoon animals cover every wall.
"I was never going to use those old sheets again. I'm way too old for that stuff!"
"And I'm not?" I raise an eyebrow.
"You see more evil in one night than most people see their whole lives. I think every Slayer should have some funny animals to come home to."
And it hits me, just like that. The way it does sometimes. How I love this person so much I hardly know where I end and she begins.
She stops talking, seeing my expression, and we stare into each others' eyes. We both feel what's coming. Pressed together like this, nose to nose... she's going to kiss me. One of those kisses that makes me forget my name. Well... time for me to strike first. I press her against the closed door with my hips and chest, hold her face in my hands, and I kiss her. Really kiss her. And kiss her. And kiss her. Her mouth, her neck, her mouth again... and I get the same in return.
Eventually I pull back, heart pounding. She draws a ragged breath. I think I've even made her sweat a little.
"Faith," she says, somewhat breathlessly. "I have a question."
Uh-oh. I think I know where this is headed. "OK. Want a Coke?"
"Sure." She sits down on a bean bag. OK, technically, maybe it's a garbage bag full of foam peanuts from work.
Rummaging in the fridge longer than I need to, I build up my mental discipline to resist her charms. Finally I join her on the bag, opening a can to share. "Shoot."
"Faith, do you think Tara's a slut?"
I choke on my drink. OK, I guess I didn't know where this was headed. Unbidden vision of Tara giving Dawn a lap dance. I blink the image away. "No, I can't say she ever struck me that way!"
"'Cause she's pretty into sex."
I sigh. Damn it, T-Rex! "Dawn, did she tell you sex is a good thing?"
"Yeah. At least, with her and Willow."
How quickly Tara forgets what it must be like to wake up next to Red feeling like shit. And then they go right back and do it again. It's like an addiction. It's as bad as anything my mom got hooked on. Worse: it needs two people, hurting each other for the sake of pleasure. People who should never stop caring about each other enough to cause that kind of pain. But they do. Even Willow and Tara.
"Dawn, Tara means well, she always means well... but she has a problem. Her and Willow both, and a lot of other people too, I guess. Sex is not what you do with someone you love. Maybe the world would be a happier place if people started to figure that out."
"But you never had sex with someone you love."
"And I don't intend to."
"Tara thinks you have a problem. You and Buffy both. She thinks it's sad."
"I know. I have plenty of problems! But that's not one of them. That's one problem I put behind me." I rub her hand between mine.
She's silent for a long time, tears welling up. "I guess you're probably right. I thought maybe it was just sex with men that's bad. But Buffy had sex with a woman once and it made her feel terrible."
"I'm sure it... B? Did the nasty with a chick?"
"She told me. Someone we know I think–she's not saying who."
"Wow... it must have been Willow!"
"I think so too."
Buffy and Red! Unbelievable. What a shitty thing for best friends to do to each other. "Well, at least Buffy seems to have finally learned her lesson. Will still hasn't."
"Tara says her and Willow broke up just over magic. But I bet sex was part of it. Maybe Willow did learn her lesson. Maybe Tara wants it a lot when Willow doesn't."
"Maybe you're right. And look what they did when they got back together."
"They made love for like a week solid! We hardly ever saw them wearing more than sheets."
"Pretty sad."
"Yeah."
"OK, I'm done!"
I look at Faith sprawled on the carpet with the practice test I brought. I can tell she's lying. "You are not! Now finish."
She sighs. "Fine!" But she sounds like she's not having much trouble with the test. I hope she passes!
I've been folding her towels, dusting, unclogging the shower–ewwww!–and hanging colored Christmas lights around the room. Making her little place nice. Our little place.
"OK, I'm really done this time." She rolls onto her back and holds up her test sheet.
I take it and check it against the answer key immediately.
She sees my smile. "I passed, didn't I?"
"You did really good! You're ready to take the real test next week!" I straddle her and clasp her hands. "I'm so proud of you, Faith."
"Never thought I had it in me. Then again, I had the best teacher in the world. You don't think... they've made the real test harder do you?"
"No, silly. Now–close your eyes."
I get up and turn on the Christmas lights. "OK, open your eyes... Wait!" I wiggle a loose cord. "OK, now!"
Faith's eyes light up. "Pretty cool!" she says.
"Remember?" I did the same thing to her room in Boston years ago.
She gets up and hugs me. "I remember. It's awesome." She picks me up. "I think we've worked hard enough. We've earned some graham crackers and cuddling."
She sets me down on the lumpy garbage bag she calls her "bean bag" and joins me in mashing up graham crackers to eat with a spoon–just the way I taught her. It's good–but not as good as the snuggling after. Faith makes me feel happy just holding my hand. I could lie here in her arms forever and not need anything else. Even before I knew she was the Slayer she made me feel safe, like everything would always be OK. I kiss her, just a little kiss 'cause the big ones are worth saving up. I squeeze her tight, so that she knows everything will always be OK too.
"I wish you and Buffy would patrol together."
She shrugs under me. "That could be cool I guess. Don't see it happening."
"But you two should be friends again. You used to be! You could watch out for each other."
"A lot has changed since then, Dawnie. And I changed it. All the awful things Buffy sees in me are real. I just wish you weren't caught in the middle."
"It's not just you. She can't be happy about anything. Not since she came back from Heaven."
"She's lonely. She doesn't have anyone."
"You think that's it?"
"T-Rex thinks so. Part of it, anyway. Spike was all she had, and look what happened! Cheated on her, tried to rape her and then left town. And T-Rex says she still feels guilty for not caring about him like he cared."
"She shouldn't feel guilty. I hate Spike. I hope he never comes back." And... why does she call Tara "T-Rex" now?
She runs her fingers through my hair as I lean back against her. I know it upsets Faith when I say things like that. She likes to think of me all good and innocent. Nothing to do with the dark Slayer world. But I'm in that world up to my neck, starting with Glory, and I'm not innocent anymore.
I turn to face her. "We should all three go on patrol. I could help you guys, I know it."
"I'm with Buffy on that one. Not now, not ever. It's so dangerous."
"But Willow and Xander helped when they were my age!"
"If Willow and Xander had had anyone who cared about them as much as Buffy and I care about you, they wouldn't have."
I sigh, frustrated. It's like beating my head on a wall. I know I could take care of myself in a fight. I could help Buffy and Faith get along, too. But they won't even give me a chance. I asked Buffy for that sword for my birthday and she just laughed. Laughed! Like killing evil creatures before they kill you is funny. I know it's not a game. I'm not a little kid. It's like Buffy won't ever see me any different from how I was when mom was alive. And Faith won't ever see me any different from how I was in Boston. But at least I know Faith loves me. At least Faith can love.
Faith senses my mood. "You OK, Dawnie?"
"Five by five."
"Not even. What's the matter, baby?"
I don't want to say it out loud, but... "I'm not always sure Buffy loves me."
She puts her hands on my cheeks and looks at me intently. "Buffy loves you."
"Maybe Buffy can't love at all anymore. Since she died."
"She can and she does. That's why she's been so hard on me... and that's why she finally let you stay over anyway. Buffy loves you more than anything else in the world, Dawn. I know her, and I know you, and I know she does."
"It's not her fault if she doesn't. I don't think she can feel anything good anymore."
"Yes, she can, Dawn. Isn't she better now than when she first came back? She even laughs sometimes... when I'm not in the room."
"I guess so."
"She's going through a terrible time but she's getting better. And she's not turning evil and murderous like I did! So cut her some slack, and don't ever think she doesn't love you."
Faith is almost scolding me, but her tone snaps me out of it. I take a deep breath, deciding I don't need to cry after all. She's made me feel better like she always used to in Boston. "I guess you're right."
"I am. I'm known for it."
I smile at her. I love her so much. I don't care if the monks made me that way. It's as real as any love ever. I know it is. I snuggle against her neck. "Can't wait for my birthday."
"Me neither. It would have killed me to miss it! I don't suppose my package has arrived yet?"
"Nope. It's OK. Don't worry, whatever it is, it'll be great whether it gets here in time or not." I'm curious what Faith could have bought for me. She always gave me things she made herself... and she doesn't have much money. It's weird for her to order me something. I almost thought she might have bought me that sword I want, only she can't stand the thought of me with a weapon.
I'm even more curious about what Willow and Tara are giving me. They're acting like they've got a big surprise, only they're being kinda weird about it.
"I had an idea for a career," she says, out of the blue.
"You better, you're going to have a diploma next week!"
"I thought maybe I'd sell my own line of animals."
"Animals...?"
She reaches behind the bean bag and picks up the short-necked "giraffe" she made years ago. "You know... stuffed animals."
"Hi, Antonio! I missed you!" I take the mystery-beast from her and hug it.
"I'd call them Faith's Friends. Wouldn't that be wicked cool? People would buy them, I bet! Look at Antonio, he's as good as new still! People would pay a lot maybe."
I look at Antonio carefully. I have never seen a more ragged, lopsided toy in my life. And mom had to sew his tail back on twice. Even if Faith went to the library and learned what animals really look like, nobody would ever buy anything she made. Well, nobody but me. But she's serious!
With a big smile–but no laughing–I hug her. She hasn't changed since Boston. We were always planning ways to get rich and build our mansion. And they were always just this silly.
She'll never do it. But I love her for wanting to. "Nobody would ever find out about your animals. I'd buy every one myself."
"I'm serious. They wouldn't be as weird-looking as Antonio. They'd look right." She hands me another animal from behind the bean bag. A new one! "See? A turtle. Her name is Judy."
She's a multi-colored patchwork ball with four legs sticking out at odd angles. No tail. No head. Just a pair of eyes put on crooked. She doesn't look anything like a turtle. Maybe a blowfish with feet. But whatever she is, I love her. I stop myself from laughing. "Can I have her?"
"You really want her?"
"I gave you Antonio back. You owe me an animal."
"She's yours. Judy, meet Dawn."
"Thanks. Who needs a birthday now? Only Faith..."
"Yeah?"
"You know how the economy is lately. So... just as a backup plan... just in case Faith's Friends doesn't take off... let's go to college anyway."
"I don't think so, Dawnie. I'm not one for the books."
I smile to myself, not answering her. She'll go to college. She'll do great. She'll graduate, unlike Buffy. I'll make sure of it.
We brush our teeth and change into pajamas. I unroll my sleeping bag. "Not only do you still not have a phone so I can call you... you still don't even have a bed!"
"Who needs a bed? Check it out." Faith lifts a big bundle of strings hanging among the sheets on one wall, stretches it out, and hooks it onto the opposite wall.
"A hammock!"
"Cheap and comfy. You gotta try it! But not big enough for two. We'll sleep on your sleeping bag."
I try to climb in and end up flipping over onto the floor with a yelp.
"And you think you're ready to fight demons!"
"I am! I can totally take care of myself. Unlike a certain Slayer I could name who lets the toothpaste run out."
She gets in the hammock to show me how, and then starts to get out.
"Don't get out. Let's sleep in it."
"I don't think that's going to work, Dawnie."
But I climb in anyway, on top of her, pulling a blanket after me. "Why? Am I hurting you?" Of course not, she's a Slayer!
"Well... I'm not very soft to sleep on! Let's use your sleeping bag so you can at least have a pillow."
"You just get comfy, Faith. I'm sure I can find someplace soft."
I snuggle down on top of her and tug the blanket around us. She brings her legs up around me and we're all cozy. The gentle swaying of the hammock is nice. And her chest makes an awesome pillow!
"Last-minute homework? Cutting it pretty close aren't you?"
She shakes her head. "The Dawnmeister Chronicles. I can't get back the diaries I burned, but I've started a new one. I'm lazy about putting everything in it. But I get every little detail about you and me."
I stop and watch her write. She's so wonderful. Last night I stayed awake for hours, smelling her hair and feeling her breathe in her sleep. And then I slept great, with her in my arms. Tara has to be wrong. There's no way my Dawnie was made by black magic and human sacrifice. It's not possible. She's everything good.
I reach for the diary. "Can I see?"
She sticks her tongue out. "No."
"Come on! It's about me. I have a right to know!"
She rolls her eyes and hands over the book. I read what she's just written. I grin. "So... I'm so sexy in my towel you could just die, am I?" I turn to model it for her.
"Give it back."
I give it back and let her watch me dress. I love when she pretends not to watch!
But when I turn, pulling my shirt on, she's staring without even pretending. "It's a good thing sex is bad," she says. "I think I could get into it."
I can tell that even after our talk, Dawn's still not convinced. Tara can be very persuasive. And of course, I'm pretty goddamn hot. "That's right. Sex bad. Memorize that."
"I have. But... I still imagine... you know... doing stuff with you. It still seems nice, in my head. It feels like love."
"Same here, Dawnie. I imagine stuff. But that's as far as it's gonna go." A little tear has appeared at the corner of her eye, and I brush it away with my thumb, kneeling beside her and pulling her into a cuddle.
Mistake. The warmth of our bodies together has an instant effect on me. And her too.
"So if we shouldn't have sex..." she says thoughtfully, pausing to kiss, "how far can we go?" A deeper kiss. My willpower dissolves like smoke.
She's caressing my back, my butt... my chest. Outside my clothes, luckily. Gasping, I squeeze her tighter to me. "Dawn..."
Her hand slips under my top, stroking my naked stomach. "I love you Faith," she says.
"I love you too, baby." Somehow, I allow her to unzip my pants. "Forever and ever," I whisper.
And then I feel a touch that brings back a million bad memories with a jolt. "Dawn... stop..."
"It's OK, Faith. We won't have sex. We'll just..." The touch is repeated and my eyes go wild with panic.
"Stop it, Dawn! Stop it!"
She jerks away, her lip trembling. I see a look in her eyes that I've felt in my own far too many times. She hates herself. She's tasted exactly why sex is bad. And I hate myself, too, for letting it happen. Damn it!
"Oh, Dawnie..." I reach for her but she doesn't return to me.
"I'm sorry." She begins to cry.
"It's OK! Dawnie! It's OK..."
She shakes her head, unable to meet my eyes. "It's not OK. It's like..." she sobs once, a sound that breaks my heart. "It's like what Spike did to Buffy!"
No. Oh, no. I pull her to me whether she responds or not, and hug her tight, my arm wrapped over her head. "Shhh.... it's not like that at all."
"I tried to make you do stuff."
"You didn't force me, Dawn. I'm a Slayer! I wanted it too. Just as much as you did. And I feel bad for wanting it, just like you do. It's not you. OK? It's not you. We both made a mistake. But we stopped. It's OK now. It's OK..."
"Is this what it feels like after you have sex?" Her words are still muffled by tears.
"Yeah. Only that's a million times worse."
"I feel awful, Faith, and I don't know why."
"I know, baby. Me too. But it's over now. We're OK."
"You were right. I'm sorry. I'll control myself better, I promise."
"I'm sorry too. Let's just forget it happened, OK?"
She nods. This was a painful lesson for both of us, but maybe we needed it.
"I love you Dawnie."
"Me too. Forever and ever."
"Forever and ever."
How can Willow and Tara do this to each other? The thought makes me sick.
We hold each other in silence until it's time for me to walk her to school.
I open the door to find that it's Faith knocking. I feel an instant, unexplainable anger. Mixed with fear. "What are you doing here? Where's Dawn? What happened?"
"Chill, B. Nothing happened! Dawn's still at school. I'm looking for Red."
"Willow and Tara are out back," I say, not moving to let her pass. So now Faith comes and goes in my house at will. Like she thinks she's one of the gang! There's no reason Faith shouldn't be able to see who she wants. Or Willow either. I know that. But Faith manages to piss me off just by being here.
The feeling is mutual, I'm sure. But she makes an effort not to start another fight. "Going on patrol tonight?"
I sigh and let her in. "Yeah. You?"
"Yeah. North side graveyards. I'd better, I skipped last night." She looks around uncomfortably. "Thanks for that."
I'll be sure to steer clear of the north side. "Anything I should know?"
"Everything was cool, B. You don't have to worry about me and Dawn."
"Yeah. I do, actually."
And then Faith's expression changes, and it's good old times again. Her fists clench and she gets that cocky "screw you" look.
"Buffy, whatever the hell is wrong with you, get the fuck over it. Dawn doesn't need it, I don't need it, nobody needs it!"
"Wrong with me?! My whole life is for Dawn! Working to make ends meet, keeping her safe... trying to figure out whether you're going to hurt her or help her! Dawn does need me! Everybody needs me! When I'm not working I've got to go on fucking patrol all night! I'm the Slayer!"
"You're a Slayer. I work a shitty job same as you, and I go on patrol every night! And you know what, I like it! It's fun being a Slayer, and it was a waste to make you one!"
"Yeah, some fun, saving the world one disgusting vampire at a time." A mental image of Spike brings a shudder.
"Tell me something, B. Heaven was so great that this world's not good enough for you anymore. So in this Heaven... were you the Slayer? Was Slaying a chore there?"
My mouth falls open. Nobody talks to me about being pulled from Heaven. Not even Willow anymore. That's private and it hurts just to think about it! "How dare you..."
"Were you the Slayer?"
"I don't remember! All I remember is the feeling, OK?"
"So what did it feel like? Did you feel like a Slayer?"
"Yes I did!"
"Did you hate it or was it awesome?"
I turn away from her, feeling suddenly drained. "It was pretty awesome. Guess that's why they call it Heaven."
"Well that's what this world is for me. It ought to be good enough for you! Don't like your job? Get another one! Why don't you go find some job at the new high school?"
"Are you actually being this way? Are you actually trying to run my life?"
"Me? What the hell were you doing when you tattled to Giles about how careless you think I am?"
"Well you are!" I storm away into the living room.
"At least I enjoy it! At least I appreciate what I've been given! I like my life, I like sharing it with Dawn, and I like being a Slayer! It's not a curse, Buffy! It's a gift! Being the Slayer, and being alive!"
My knees weaken and before I know what's happening I'm kneeling on the floor bawling like a baby.
Faith is silent, taken aback. She approaches hesitantly. God damn it! I've been so careful to be strong for everyone, not let my friends realize how hard this time has been. And now Faith is the one I break down in front of!
"B?"
"Go away. Just go away!" I sob.
She doesn't move. She just watches my shoulders shake. Bet she's loving this little display! But I can't stop. The tears keep coming and coming.
"Buffy..."
"You like your life do you? Well you have someone to share it with! Try being alone!"
"You think I don't know what it's like to be alone?!"
"I'm never going to have what you and Dawn have! Never!" I cry harder, surprised to hear the words from my own mouth. But now that I hear them, I know they're true. If I didn't know it before Spike, I know it know.
She kneels down and touches my shoulder. I jerk away but she doesn't move her hand.
"I'm sorry, Buffy."
"What?"
"I'm sorry for everything you've been through. I know what Spike did. I'm sorry you don't have someone. I'd be messed up worse than you are, if I was alone like that. You don't deserve what's happened to you."
I can't think of anything to say. She almost sounds like she understands.
"Buffy, you will have someone. Anybody would be lucky to have you. Why, when I was in Sunnydale before, I had a little crush on... um... on a guy who would have been perfect for you."
"I don't even want someone. It always turns to shit." It's all pouring out. I can't stop it!
"I know where you're coming from. But one day it won't, B. There's someone out there for you." Is she... hugging me?
I hug back, needing someone to cling to right now, even if it's Faith. "You don't know that."
"OK. You're right, B. But I believe it. And in the mean time you have friends and we care about you."
Did she say "we"?
Suddenly I just have to get away. I don't want to be seen like this. Especially not by Faith. I shake her arm off and head upstairs to my room without a word.
Halfway up the stairs, I sneak a glance down at her. Her eyes are wet but she's not looking up. "Thanks," I try to say, but it doesn't make any sound.
Then Dawn bounces in, and that cheers me up. She's surprised to see me here so early, and what happened this morning has us both down still. But she smiles and we hug. We're OK. I warn her that Buffy's in a mood.
Her smile fades. "Should I go to her, or stay a million miles away?"
"She's lonely, just like Tara said. Go see if you can cheer her up."
Dawn goes upstairs and I wait on the couch some more. Eventually she and Buffy come down. Buffy goes out the front door without saying anything.
Dawn follows, whispering to me apologetically as she closes the door. "We're going for a little walk. Wait for me!"
"Sure thing." Maybe she can comfort Buffy. I know I sure can't.
Tara comes in from the back yard to find me raiding the fridge.
"Faith? Didn't know you were here. Waiting for Dawn?"
I shake my head. "Willow." I wonder if she saw me drinking juice from the carton?
"She's out back. It's so nice out!"
"Cool."
T-Rex goes out to the library and I decide to face talking to Red. She's out sitting on the bench with a pile of books.
"Working on Dawn's surprise?"
"No. I think we've done all we can." She sees my expression. "Tara told you about... the sacrifice."
"Yeah. I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. That's what I wanted to ask you about. Is it as bad as T-Rex thinks?"
Willow nods sadly. "She lost someone close to her. And to me. We don't know who, and I'm kinda glad we don't."
I was really hoping Willow would have a way out of what T-Rex said. No such luck. Poor Dawnie. I hope she never finds out that part.
Willow looks pretty upset about it too. I put an arm around her shoulders. "It's still a great gift, Red. Let Dawn see herself. That's all you set out to do. The rest of the truth can wait until she's ready. Or never."
She nods. "How was last night? You don't look so good."
"Oh... no... it was great. Dawn brought me a GED test to practice on."
"I never thought I'd hear anyone else make a test sound like a good time! So... what's wrong?"
"Nothing. Buffy and I just had a fight."
"Oh no! Is she..."
"We didn't draw blood. Just lots of hard feelings. I think it's over though for now. She went out with Dawn."
"I hate to see you two at each other's throats all the time. You're some of my favorite people!"
"Thanks, Red. We'll survive." I don't tell Will how Buffy broke down. I know she's Buffy's best friend, but it would hurt Willow deeply to know just how badly Buffy's doing after losing Heaven.
I gesture at all the musty old books beside her. "How's the magic? I thought you weren't doing any."
"None. 100% magic free! It's really hard sometimes, but I'm not breaking another promise to Tara. Not ever. I help with the research, she handles all the spells."
"Must be a lot of temptation, just being around it. Man, if I could do magic I'd be making things fly all over... I'd do all kinds of crazy things!"
"It is temptation but... I make do with just being a fan. Magic is the most interesting thing I've ever studied. I aim to be an expert, and help the Slayerettes as much as I can that way. I'm your basic armchair witch!"
"Cool. You guys be careful!" I remember what happened to Willow's eyes after Warren shot her lover, and I'm with T-Rex: Willow had better not be doing any magic.
"We are. Actually, Tara flips past anything she thinks is dangerous for me to see. She's so cute... she thinks I don't notice!" Willow smiles fondly.
"Like what stuff? Black magic?"
"Yeah, mostly." She picks up a book from the stack and leafs through it. "Or stuff she knows will get my attention. Like this. I won't read it out loud, but I think it's beautiful. About how everything is connected. Like magic used to make me feel."
I look at the script underneath a picture of a tree's roots. It's some chant about being connected to the Earth, like she says. How we come from the Earth, and how we're put back in the Earth in the end. Something about how the roots of trees will feed off our bones. "I don't know, sounds a little creepy if you ask me."
"You would say that! But it's the cycle of life." She runs her finger over the words, mouthing them silently. But she unconsciously whispers the final phrase. "Now the Earth wants you back."
Are her eyes different? Darker? No... must have just been some weird shadow or something.
The ground trembles. "Did you feel that, Red?" The shaking fades away, but... "There! Earthquake?" It builds even stronger. I have a very bad feeling all of a sudden.
She laughs. "Sure, we get little ones all the time! It's California!"
Of course. She's right. I used to imagine springing myself out of the pen during one. And the ground seems to be still again anyway.
It was probably nothing.
I help Willow gather up the books. "I wonder where Buffy and Dawn are?"
~ Continue to Episode 18 – Don't Leave Me ~
If you enjoyed this story, try CV. Buffy agrees to a meeting with someone from her past. It's not what she expected. (Faith/Buffy. Faith and Dawn have a very different relationship in that story.)
I always appreciate feedback in my Guestbook, or by email. Reader responses will determine whether I publish more stories, and will help improve them! Thanks for reading! (If you'd like to be notified when I post new stories, let me know.)
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