When Drew and Kate arrived at the Warsaw, Lewis and Oswald were already sitting. There was a large envelope lying in the center of the table, and both men were regarding it suspiciously over their beer bottles. Kate and Drew plopped down, Drew signaling to Steve for a round. "Hey, guys." They continued to stare at the envelope. Drew looked at Kate. "I haven't seen them concentrate that hard since they had the bet about which side of the butter knife a pat would slide off."

Kate waved a hand before the two men's faces. "Hey, guys. What is this?"

They blinked. Lewis said, "It came this morning, for Oswald. The handwriting looks like Wicks. I'd say it's a letter bomb."

Kate cocked her head, studying the shape of the envelope. "Or a card. Or..." she held up a finger. "An invitation!"

Oswald frowned. "Why?"

"Well," Drew twisted the cap off his bottle and took a swig. "That dance at Club Indulgence is a big wing-ding, Oswald. It's formal."

Lewis frowned. "You mean 'no shirt, no shoes, no service'?"

Kate snorted. "From what I've heard about the Club Indulgence, getting serviced is not a problem."

Drew poked the envelope toward Oswald. "Open it, Oswald."

Oswald gingerly picked up the envelope, turning it to examine it. He pointed. "Look, someone stuck their chewing gum on it."

Drew looked. "That's not gum, Oswald. That's a wax seal."

Oswald examined the wax blob. "Hey, yeah! There's a little picture etched into it." He squinted. "A background of flames and a champagne bottle sitting on a bed of money and..." he showed the envelope to Lewis, "what are those?"

Lewis looked. "Condoms."

Drew took a swig of beer. "A pictograph of the club's philosophy."

Oswald gaped. "Do you mean that Wick intends to take me to a den of iniquity? A place dedicated to the hedonistic pursuit of sybaritic, sensual pleasure, in an atmosphere of no consequences?" Lewis, Kate and Drew nodded. "C-o-o-l."

He peeled the wax up carefully and opened the envelope, then drew out the invitation. It was a single, unfolded card in gleaming, pristine white. "Huh," Lewis said. "It's all bumpy. You'd think that such an exclusive place would have... I dunno, daintier stationary."

"That's engraved, Lewis," Kate informed him.

"Is that expensive?" Oswald was running his finger gently over the engraving.

"Let me put it this way, you remember how much the invitations to our almost wedding cost?"

Oswald winced. "Yeah."

"If we'd have had them engraved, we would have had to sell a kidney each to afford them."

"Wow. The writing and decorations are in red and silver, very stylish."

"The hearts and roses are nice," commented Drew, "But the handcuffs and riding crops make me a bit nervous."

"You are cordially invited to the Valentine's Day Soiree at Club Indulgence, February 14th. 7:00, cocktails, 8:00 Dinner, 9:30 till whenever, Dancing--and whatever. Formal attire required, till 9:30. Oh, and Wick wrote a personal message. He'll pick me up here at 6:30, and..." Oswald trailed off, blushing.

"What?" Lewis asked, suspiciously.

"He asked me to be sure not to get a suit with tails, because my butt is too fine to be covered up." Oswald smiled. "I haven't had a date where I really needed to dress up."

"And who's fault was that?" Kate murmured.

Oswald ignored her. "I wanna look spiffy."

While Drew and Kate winced at the term, Lewis held up a finger. "A-ha! You don't have a tuxedo, and you can't afford to rent one. You can't go."

"I have the tuxedo I wore to my senior prom."

Drew shook his head. "I don't think Club Indulgence's dress code allows powder blue polyester tuxs with frilly shirts and satin cummerbunds."

Kate peeked into the envelope. "Wick thinks of everything." She pulled another card out of the envelope. "He also sent a gift certificate to Bridals 'n Formals."

Lewis frowned. "Why not a certificate for Tux R Us?"

Kate shrugged. "We all know what his immediate intentions are. Maybe he's hinting at his future intentions."

Oswald looked at the certificate. "Wow. He's really shelling out on this, isn't he?"

Lewis sighed. "You're really going through with this, aren't you?"

Oswald frowned. "Of course. I promised, I can't back out."

Kate swatted Oswald. "You didn't have that problem when you promised to help me move, then didn't show up."

"I explained that to you, Kate. I couldn't help it if that was the day Desmond got Wrestleriot on pay-per-view."

"How about when you promised me you'd help me clean out the monkey cages at Drug Co?" asked Lewis.

Oswald looked shocked. "There was monkey poo involved, Lewis. How can you expect anyone to keep a promise when there's monkey poo involved?"

"Well, there wasn't any monkey poo involved the last time you got snowed in over here and you swore to me that you wouldn't drink the last beer," said Drew. Everyone looked at him. "You're right. What was I thinking of?"

Oswald gathered up the invitation and certificate. "I think they stay open to nine. I might as well go now."

Lewis drained his beer and stood up. "I'm going with you."

"Why?" asked Drew. "You don't need a tux."

"Not now, but if Wick tries anything with Oswald I may need something nice for his funeral and my court appearance."

Drew and Kate exchanged glances and drained their beers, standing up. "What the hell," Drew said. "Let's go watch Oswald try to pick out a tux. I could use a laugh."

Bridals n' Formals was not located in a mall. They all piled out of Drew's car and started toward it. Kate caught sight of a frothy wedding dress displayed in the big front window. She dashed up to the window and soon had her hands and nose pressed to the glass. The others caught up with her and Drew said, "Kate, someone has to clean that glass, and your drool isn't going to make it any easier."

"Ooo, isn't it just dreamy?" she crooned. "Can't you just imagine yourself wearing it, walking down the aisle with a big bunch of sweetheart roses and baby's breath while the organ plays 'Here Comes The Bride'?"

"Disturbingly, yes," said Lewis.

"I dunno," Drew said. "I always pictured you in one of those trendy slip dresses."

Inside a man dressed like an English butler in a 1930s screwball comedy approached them. He pointed one long, elegant finger back toward the door. "For the last time, we have no second hand garments to donate to the Clothe the Destitue Drive."

Oswald showed him the gift certificate. "Nigel Wick sent me, and..."

The clerk beamed, and his voice rose two octaves, "Oh, you're the one Wicked was telling me about!" He walked around Oswald, giving him a thorough up and down examination. "Ooo, he wasn't kidding! You've got a tushie you could eat off!"

"Hey! I sat in the nachos once, okay? Geez, won't I ever be allowed to live that down?"

The man shrugged. "He didn't say anything about brains." He smiled brightly. "Hi. I'm Maurice, and I'll be serving you today. Now, do you happen to know what size you take? I'll need waist and inseam."

Oswald shrugged. "I usually just try on the pants till I find a pair that's loose enough in the waist for me to breath, and has enough room in the crotch for me to sit down without going from baritone to soprano."

"Oh, dear." Maurice whipped a tape measure from around his neck with a flourish. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to measure you. Drat." He sounded singularly unannoyed. "If you'll just step back into the fitting room, I'll take your numbers."

Lewis didn't like the way the guy's eyebrows elevated when he said that. He grabbed Oswald's arm. "No ya don't. He hasn't got anything that you couldn't measure in public." The eyebrows quirked significantly. "Let me rephrase that--you're not going to measure anything you can't measure in public."

"Actually, there are a few public places where it would be allowed," the clerk smirked.

Drew said, "Hell, there are a few places where it would be a spectator sport, but those are either in San Francisco or on Fire Island."

"Oh, very well, if Cinderella must have a chaparone. But I warn you, dear, you'd better get over that shyness before you get to Club Indulgence, or you won't have nearly as much fun. Besides, I think that club policy is to leave all inhibitions at the door. Okay, first let's measure those broad shoulders." He stretched the tape across Oswald's back. "Ooo, Tarzan!"

"So help me, if you say 'me Jane' I'll smack you!" growled Lewis.

"Not Jane, you excitable man, you. However," he batted his eyelashes flirtateously. "I am wearing cheetah patterned undies."

"Way more information than I needed," groaned Drew.

Kate, who was busily raking through a rack of wedding dresses, nodded. "Mental images for the next few decades." She snatched out a cloud of white net and satin, squealing, "I want to try this on!"

"I'm sorry, madame, but due to wear-and-tear on the stock, only brides-to-be may try on gowns."

Kate gave him an innocent look. "I'm a bride to be."

The clerk snorted. "Oh, please! There's a snapshot of you back on our bulletin board in our 'rogues gallery' of lookiloos."

Kate scowled, putting the dress back. "Dammit, I KNEW they weren't really going to submit that photo to BRIDE'S MAGAZINE!"

"The arms now." Oswald stretched his arms out in front of him. "No, dear, not like Frankenstein. Think Catholic." Oswald stretched his arms out to the sides at shoulder height. "Fabulous." measure "Now the waist." measure "Wait a minute," Lewis said suspiciously. "Don't you usually measure the waist by standing in front, or to the side? I've never yet seen anyone measure the waist by standing behind someone and reaching around."

"Yes, and how many tailored suits have you had, Beau Brummel?"

"I want to see at least a foot of space between you and the butt, right now!"

"Party pooper. All right, that just leaves the inside leg." He started to kneel in front of Oswald.

Lewis jerked Oswald away. "Bring him a long, and we'll work from there."

The clerk, pouting, went to get the tuxedo. Oswald complained, "Lewis, how can I get a proper fit if he doesn't measure my inside leg?"

"Oswald, if you'd watched Are You Being Served? as much as I have, you'd realized that 'taking an inside let' is some sort of gay code." He shook his head. "You need to watch more of those intellectual British shows."

"Sure," said Drew. "Absolutely Fabulous, Benny Hill... the high brow stuff."

Maurice came back with some jackets and pants on hangers. "Here's a start. Now, just come back to the fitting room with me, handsome." Lewis started to follow them back. "No you don't! No one else allowed in the fitting room except possibly parents."

"Does it count if I want to be his daddy?" asked Lewis.

Oswald grabbed the garments. "I'm going in there alone! I'm not about to be trapped in a teeny, mirrored room with you guys. Sheesh. Whenever I used to fantasize about three way sex, the other two were always girls!"

He disappeared into the fitting room. Maurice looked at Lewis. "So, exactly how far up river on de-Nile is he?"

"Let me put it this way, when I hand him a fruit basket, I check first for asps."

Kate had her nose pressed to a glass display case. "Can I at least try on a veil?"

"Stop doing that Garfield car window ornament impression!" snapped the clerk. "I have to clean that glass."

"Toldya," said Drew.

Oswald came out of the fitting room. Given his plain shirt and shoes, he still looked quite stunning in the tuxedo. Maurice sighed, "Oh, you clean up nice! Any chance of me seeing what you look like straight out of the bath?"

Lewis elbowed him. "You'll have to peek through the hole in the bathroom wall, like everyone else." He noticed everyone staring at him. "Theoretically."

Oswald raised his voice, "Drew, remind me to buy some carpenter's putty. Anyway, this fits pretty good, except for one thing." He turned around and lifted the back of the jacket. "I think it's a little too snug in the seat."

Lewis and Maurice shook their heads in unison. "No, no, no!" Maurice declared. "In fact, I think that it should be taken in about, say, another half inch."

"Say another inch and I'll give you ten bucks," said Lewis, staring.

Maurice went to the counter, then came back. "Just stand like that, and..." There was a flash of light.

"Hey!" said Oswald. "No pictures!"

"I just need this for comparison," assured Maurice.

"Oh, before and after tailoring?" said Kate.

"I think he means before and after Wick," said Drew.

Lewis looked troubled. "You don't mean to say that you can tell someone has done that just by looking at their clothed butt?" He surreptuously backed toward the three way mirror, peering anxiously.

They picked out a shirt to go with the tuxedo. "Now, do you have cuff links and studs?"

Oswald looked indignant. "How many times do I have to tell everyone? No, I don't have studs." He smiled. "I have girlfriends."

"I can loan you the cuff links and shirt studs, Oswald," Drew said. "The brains, though... Can't help ya there."

"Young lady! What are you doing behind that counter?" called Maurice sharply.

Kate popped up from behind a counter on the other side of the room. "I... uh... I saw a quarter." Maurice came over and held out his hand expectantly. "Hey, finders keepers!"

"If it's on the floor here, it belongs to the store."

"Oh, all right." She hunted through her pockets. Maurice waited. She kept hunting. Maurice tapped his foot. Finally Kate pulled a dollar out of her pocket and sheepishly handed it to him. Maurice hesitated, then shrugged and pocketed it.

They left the shop a little later, Oswald with a garment bag slung over his shoulder. "That wasn't so bad," Oswald said. "I think the color choice was the hardest part when I picked out my prom outfit. I had the hardest time choosing between the powder blue and the neon lime."

Lewis patted his arm. "You made the right choice, buddy. The blue set off your eyes."

In the car Drew said, "Okay, Kate, come clean."

Kate tried to give him an innocent look. "What?"

"What did you lift back there?"

She looked outraged. "Drew! Are you accusing me of shoplifting?"

"It's not your fault, Kate. It's a sickeness. Many women are afflicted with matrimoni-itis."

"Well..." Kate put her foot up on the dashboard and lifted her pant's leg. There was a frilly pink garter around her calf. "I know it was wrong. I'll send them a money order. But I couldn't help it, guys! I was jonesing."

Lewis shook his head. "Kate, Kate, Kate. All right, since you're going to make good on it. I won't report you on one condition."

"Which is?"

"I get to borrow it on alternate weekends."