Part Twenty
Acceptance

The blank look only lasted for a second. Then he blinked, and turned his attention back to me. Sitting down beside me, he said, "Now, you want to tell me what it is that has you so upset that you sick up your Mom's food?" I shook my head. "How about what has you getting the screaming horrors at night? I haven't slept next to you often, Walter, but when I did you were like a little log. You didn't move except to breath."

"I don't know. It was just a dream."

"You're not looking at me, Walter."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not. You're looking over my shoulder. I've never really seen you try to evade looking me in the eyes. Tell me what's wrong."

I took a deep breath and looked into his face. "Nothing. Promise. Just... just the war."

He studied me. "Why are you lying to me, Walter?" There was no accusation in his tone, only concern.

I crossed my arms and scowled. "Boy, that's insulting! Just see a fella after months and months, and you go and accuse him of lying."

"It's not working, Walter."

"What isn't working?"

"The indignant act. I'm not going to back down."

I wilted back against the pillow. "I just can't talk about it, Ray. Honest, I'm not trying to be difficult. It's just... hard."

"I'll give you a little while to think about it, baby. But you're going to have to tell me sometime."

"Why?"

He leaned forward, running his hand through my hair, and kissed me gently. "Because I love you, and I want to take care of you, and you have to let me. You have to."

I closed my eyes. "I know. But Ray, there's nothing you can do about this, believe me. Just let it rest. I'll get over it eventually, now that you're here."

"That's not good enough."

"It's going to have to be."

"Look at me." I opened my eyes and looked into his. He searched me, frowning. "You mean that, don't you? Why, Walter? What is it that you don't feel you can tell me?" I was silent. "I'm not going to believe it's some deep dark secret, like you robbed Father Mulcahey's poor box before you left, or you got a Korean girl knocked up, or you killed a man. I can't think of anything else you might think was serious enough..." He went silent. Looking down at his hands, he said in a low voice, "Walter, if it's because you... were with someone else... I can live with that."

"Well, I can't." My voice was sharp, and he looked up quickly. Something must have shown on my face, because he reached to take me in his arms. But this time I pulled away. I saw the hurt in his eyes, but what else could I do? If I'd been with someone else. Yes, I'd been with someone else, but not by choice. "I can't, Ray. Not now. Not yet."

"All right." he said quietly. He got up, and went to the door, taking the chair from my desk with him. He cut off the light, and I went stiff in the bed. "Walter, I'm going to be right outside your door, do you hear? If anything frightens you, a dream, anything, I'm right here. Okay?"

"Okay." I didn't sound too sure.

"Try to sleep. Your Mom wants to have a talk with me, then I'm going to be sleeping in here. That bed is big enough for two."

"Ray! My Mom..."

"Baby boy, nothing has to happen if you don't want it to. Can't you understand that it'll be enough for me just to hold on to you? Now, get some sleep." He shut the door. It was dark, except for the bit of light that seeped in around the door.

I laid there, staring up at the ceiling. Ray was going to have a talk with Ma. Oh, boy. There was no way I could go to sleep.

Ray's POV

She was just coming up the stairs, dragging a straight back chair. I hurried over and took it from her. "You should have let me do that," I scolded "What good is it having a man in the house if you don't let him do the heavy lifting." I sat the chair beside the one I had taken from Walter's room, holding it for her while she sat down.

She sighed heavily as I sat, also. "Thank you, dear. I'm just so tired these last few days, and it's all nothing but nerves. Between Honoria and the neighbors, the farm has been running like a top, and I haven't had to do as much as I usually do, but what with Ed, and then Walter..."

She trailed off. I just nodded. I was waiting to see what direction this talk was going to take.

At last she smiled at me. "I saw you arrive, from the upstairs window. I would have known who you were, even if I hadn't known you were coming."

I smiled. "I'm famous?"

"As far as Walter is concerned, you are. Oh, you should have read his letters back home. Lots about all his friends at the MASH, but it was just Ray this and Ray that. Pages. I was so glad he'd found someone to be close to over there. My boy needs closeness. He can be a tough little thing, but..." She bit her lip, looking away.

"I worried about him, even before he went off to boot camp. Ray, out here, people pair up early in life. Some of his friends were married even before they got out of highschool, most of them are married now. But Walter... Walter just never settled on anyone. And I knew he wanted to. I also knew he wouldn't be going out and meeting new people and dating while he was away from home. He's always been a little shy about that. That's why I was so glad when he wrote that he had a new friend."

I stayed very quiet. I was getting the impression that this simple Iowa farm woman was a lot more perceptive than most people would have given her credit for, even her son. My suspicions were confirmed when she looked at me and said quietly, "It's all right, you know."

"What's all right, Mrs. O'Reilly?"

She smiled, as if amused that I was being obtuse. "I suppose one of us has to come right out and say it, and it might as well be me. You and Walter, Ray. It's all right." I looked down. My hands were clenched on my thighs. I felt her touch my arm, and looked up at her quickly, looking into eyes that were so like my Walter's. "As long as you love him. You do love him, don't you, Ray?"

I nodded, feeling a sweep of relief that I didn't have to hide it from her. "Yes ma'am. More than I can say."

She sighed again. "Good. Because if you were just trifling with him, I would have had to kick your patootie for you."

I laughed. "Oh, and I bet you would, too!"

"Yes, bet on that. It's a sure thing. He's my baby. Any way, he's not the first person in this family to be a little unconventional in their love life." Her eyes teared up, but she didn't cry. "His Uncle Ed and I... I loved Walter's father, there's no question of that. When I lost him, and Walter just a baby, I was so alone. His brother, Ed, was such a rock for me, always there. And, eventually, it just... happened. No one saw anything wrong with Ed staying on the family spread and helping his brother's widow, raising his brother's child, but if we had actually been together publically... It might not have been easy. So..." She patted my hand. "I know a little bit about what you're going through. Just a little bit. And I'm not going to be part of the problem. I wanted you to know that."

I couldn't help it. I leaned over and kissed her cheek. She smelled of talcum powder, and the dish soap she'd used to wash up. I couldn't help comparing how my mother usually smelled: expensive perfume warring with the smells of her last cocktail and cigarette. "Mrs. O'Reilly, I think you're part of the solution. If we could just figure out how to reproduce you, this world would be a better place."

She said, "Pshaw!" She's the only person in the world I've met who actually says 'Pshaw.' Except maybe Walter. She gave my shoulder a little push. "Look Ray, if Walter had ever brought home a special girl, I would have told her to call me Ma or Mom. You do that, too."

All I had ever called my mother was 'Mother'. She would have probably had a fit if I'd ever called her 'Ma'. "I'd like that, Mom."

Now she looked back at the door to Walter's room. "Ray, our boy is hurting something awful, and I don't know what to do. It's killing me to see him like this." I nodded grimly. "He won't talk to me, and I can understand it. His daddy and his Uncle Ed were the same way: stubborn as mules when it came to their own hurt. I swear, the O'Reilly men will stand there with their arm half cut off and ask you politely for a band-aid, if it wouldn't be too much trouble." I chuckled at the image. Yeah, I could imagine that.

"He won't tell me, because he doesn't want to hurt me. But it may be different with you, Ray. He'll want to protect you, too, but you're a man. There are some things a man can't tell a woman, but he can tell another man. Please, do what you can."

"I will." We stood up, and we hugged. Her head hardly came up to my chest. "You go on to bed. Leave that chair here, I'll take it down in the morning."

She started down the hall, then paused. "Ray?"

"Yes?"

"I... uh... I don't know exactly how to say this."

She was blushing. What now? "Just spit it out."

"Well, if you and Walter... If you boys should need..." She cleared her throat. "In Ed's room, in the night stand."

I suddenly understood what she was trying to tell me, and I smiled. "It's all right. The need probably won't be there for a while, the state he's in. But if it happens, I brought my own."

She turned scarlet, but just said, "I'm glad to know you're a responsible man," and hurried off.

"Oh, Walter," I murmured. "I love my mother-in-law."

Radar's POV

The talk didn't last all that long. I was tempted to get up and put my ear against the door. Heck, it isn't like I haven't done it before at the MASH. But somehow I had the feeling that Ray would be a lot more observant than Henry Blake had been, and might catch me.

I shut my eyes real quick when the door opened again. I heard the door close, and footsteps come to the bed. Then there was the rustle of clothes. After a minute, the sheet lifted, and I felt Ray climb in beside me.

The mattress sank on his side, and he shifted, getting comfortable. I didn't intend to lay against him, honest. But he's heavier than I am, and the mattress was lower on his side, and I... kinda ended up plastered against him. He turned on his side, and I heard him whisper, "If you're asleep, I'm Eleanor Roosevelt."

"G'night, Eleanor."

"Smart ass."

His arm went over my waist, and I opened my eyes to look at him. That's one of the most beautiful sights in the world: Ray's face, close-up. "What did Mom have to say?"

He smiled. "You don't have to be anxious about her finding out about us, baby boy. She already knows."

"What? How?"

"Well, apparently you gushed in your letters, and Mom can add two and two and get four."

"I didn't hear any yelling."

"No yelling. She's fine with it." He thought for a minute. "Though I guess she's a little disappointed I can't give you children." He sighed, putting a hand dramatically to his forehead. "Alas, I am barren."

I shoved him. "Who's the smart ass?"

"Guess it's a good thing we can't have kids, or they'd get a double dose of smart ass, and be impossible for anyone but us to live with."

I turned to face him. "It's a shame. You'd have beautiful kids."

His expression clouded. "I don't think I'll ever risk it, Walter. Sometimes traits skip a generation. I don't want to risk my mother's tendencies getting passed on."

"Ray, what is it with her? Why do you hate her so much? Did she beat you?"

"No, Walter. Nothing physical. Alternating being ignored and being smothered was the most of it. I didn't need to be the only thing in her life, but I did need to be important, and I wasn't. She didn't have any real use for me, except as a social asset. A well-bred, single young man is at a premium in her social circle. And, of course, when I came back from the war, I could be used to promote her husband. I'm sick unto death of them both. I didn't go home to Boston, I went to New York instead, and she almost had a stroke."

"Gee, Ray, that's too bad. I mean, I'm happy you're making a new start and all, but you seemed awful fond of Boston."

He sighed. "I am. I just had to get away from her for awhile. I'll be back there soon. I just can't stay away. Besides," He gave me a squeeze. "I promised I'd show it to you, remember?"

I remembered. It had been while we were sitting side by side on the narrow bench in the tiny sauna at the Tokyo bath house. Just before I leaned over and started sucking Ray off. The memory gave me a tingle. Both a sexual one, and an emotional one. Ray had said he wanted me with him back home.

I nuzzled against his neck, hearing his breathing start to speed up. I whispered, "Ray? You wanna do something?"

He tipped my face up and kissed me softly. "I always want to do something with you, kid. But we're both tired right now. Maybe just..." I felt his hand settle on my belly, then slide down. At the same time he took my hand and pulled it over, settling it against the front of his boxers.

"Yeah, this is fine," I whispered as he pushed his hand under my waistband. I felt his fingers close around my cock, and closed my eyes. Ray was right, I was tired, more tired than I could remember being for a long time. But I wanted this, I needed it.

I had been worried that I might not be able to get it up, and would insult him, but that wasn't a problem. Ray knew me too well. His hand moved, gently and slowly, and I started to get hard. His voice was amused. "Walter, are you just going to hold it, or are you going to do something with it?"

"Oh. Sorry." I pushed my hand through the slit in front, finding him already half hard. "You have a head start on me."

"That's because you're so damn sexy, even when you're half dead with exhaustion."

My fingers found the dribble of pre-come oozing from the slit in his cock head, and I spread it around, and down. "Mm. Is it the typing that gave you such clever hands, Walter?"

"Milking cows."

He burst out laughing, but he was getting harder, even as his body shook. So was I. Ray's hand moved more quickly now. With his other, he reached down and took hold of my balls, rolling them in my scrotum. I started thrusting into his hand. "Does it feel good, baby?"

"Yes, Ray. So good. I just wish you'd fuck me."

He kissed me again. "You're too tired, baby boy. But I can give you more." He stopped jerking me off long enough to pull down my underwear. I didn't stop working him, though. "You know, you're an awful distraction. Don't stop."

He started jerking me again with his left hand. He stuck two fingers in his mouth for a second, sucking on them, then smeared them over my cock head, coating them with the pre-seminal fluid. "Bend you knee so I can reach through."

I bent my knee, putting my foot flat on the bed. Ray reached between my legs, and probed into the crease of my ass, searching. I used my free hand to pull one cheek aside to give him easier access. His finger wandered up and down a moment, then I felt it come to rest against my anus.

"Stick it in, Ray," I breathed. "Please." He pressed, and I felt his finger slide into me slowly. I had braced a little, expecting pain, especially after the way Flagg had torn me up. But there was only a slight ache, and that seemed to accentuate my pleasure. Ray started to move it in and out.

I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I was supposed to be taking it easy, but I just couldn't help it. I grabbed Ray's hand to hold it in place, and crawled over his body, starting to thrust myself against him.

He made a surprised sound, but he reached up and kissed me. "Yeah, go on, Walter. Take me."

I don't know how it is in other relationships between guys. I've heard since I met Ray that 'ya either pitch, or ya catch'. Well, that's not the way it is with us. Most of the time I bottom, but I get to feeling aggressive sometimes, and that's always fine with Ray. I kinda feel anyone who isn't open to switching around is limiting himself.

I rocked against Ray, humping our crotches together quickly and firmly. He was hard as a rock, and leaking a steady stream of warm fluid that painted my belly and thighs as I moved. When he pushed up to meet me, bearing down at the same time with his hand, sliding his finger over my prostate, I came, jerking and whimpering.

I was more tired than I though, 'cause I couldn't do anything else but lay there while he finished himself off, pushing up against me, plunging his finger in and out of my hole. He shuddered, and I felt him spurt against me. He gave my prostate one last, loving stroke, and pulled out.

Ray used his underwear to wipe us clean, dropping it on the floor. "Gotta remember to rinse that out in the morning." We settled back down in each others arm. "Are you going to be able to sleep?"

"I think so. As long as you're here."

"I'm not going anywhere."

I had almost drifted off, when I heard him chuckle. "What?"

"I was just thinking."

"Tell me. I can use all the laughs I can get."

"I was just thinking that after that performance, I wouldn't be surprised if someday, far in the future, we shock the hospital employees by having sex on our death beds."

I yawned. "Or maybe one of us will shock the mortician." I fell asleep listening to his laughter.