Part Sixteen
Sidney

I've told you about Doctor Major Sidney Freedman, haven't I? Or is that Major Doctor Sidney Freedman? I never can remember which, but it doesn't bother him. He said I should just call him Sidney. I guess he knew some guys feel kind of awkward about telling personal stuff to an officer. He says, "I'm just a man. Maybe I've been trained to listen a little better, and help people see things from the outside, but I wasn't given a crystal ball, or a magic wand when I got the letters after my name."

I woke up the next day to find him sitting next to my bed. They'd moved me into a back storage room, so I could have a little more privacy. I knew it was because I was going to be talking to Sidney. Well, they hoped I was going to be talking to him. I wasn't so sure.

Anyway, there he was. Just sitting quiet, watching me. He... I don't know how to put it. But you can just look at Sidney, and feel like he could understand things that no one else in the world could. He kind of reminded me a little of my Uncle Ed, even though they didn't look a thing like each other. Uncle Ed never went past high school, but boy, could he read. Everything. I told Sidney about him at one point, and he said that just going to school didn't necessarily mean someone was wise, or even smart, and that there was a difference. I said I knew what he meant, and he said that he thought that I might.

"Hi, Sidney."

"Hello, Walter. Do you need me to get anything for you? Maybe call one of the doctors?"

"No. I'm fine."

"Are you?"

The words had slipped out automatically. It was just something you said, you know? Most people aren't really listening for an answer when they ask you how you are, but Sidney listened. I thought for a minute, then said slowly, "No. I guess I'm not."

He nodded. "Good. Sometimes the hardest part of getting help is admitting that there is a problem. You've jumped that hurdle like Jesse Owens. Now, want to tell me what the problem is?" I shook my head. He settled into his chair a little more comfortably. His voice was light. "So I was being overly optimistic."

"What did they tell you about... about what happened?"

"Not much. All Potter told me was that you were hurt, pretty badly, and you weren't a casualty, and it wasn't an accident." He looked at me. "I see no casts, or splints. You're not in traction. No large bandages, or visible bruising. No stitches, but a little cut..." He pointed to his cheek. "right there, and I don't think you got it shaving."

"You're pretty smart, Sidney."

"I'd say I was Sherlock Holmes in another life, but being Jewish, I'm not supposed to believe in reincarnation.

I stared at him. Then I said, "I'm not going to tell you who did it."

"That's your choice, Radar. I can't advise you either way, because it's far too personal. And I still don't know exactly what happened." I just bit my lip. "I'm going to tell you something that may make this easier for you, Walter. I'm not here as your friend. Oh, I am your friend--don't doubt that. But I am here now as your doctor. And that means that anything... and I mean anything, that you tell me in this room, stays in this room."

"Anything?"

"You can confess to kidnaping the Lindbergh baby and leading the bombing run on Pearl Harbor. No one will ever know."

"What about your bosses?"

"On this? The brass can kiss my tochus."

"What if they make you?"

"They can't. Doctor/patient relations are held inviolate in law. It would be as illegal for them to ask as it would be for me to offer. I could lose my license to practice, and be brought up on charges if I gave away anything you told me in confidence. But I'm not worried, because I know that, whatever you have to tell me, it isn't going to concern any hideous wrong doing on your part. My conscience will remain clear."

"I dunno. Different people have different ideas of what's hideous wrong. Like, say, Hawkeye and Major Burns."

"Walter, in case you weren't paying attention, Frank Burns was a deeply disturbed man. Hawkeye has his own issues to deal with, but he's one of the most basically decent humans I've ever run into. Look, you don't have to just leap in and give me a detailed account of what put you in that bed. Just talk about anything that's been bothering you lately. You can work up to it gradually."

I hesitated again. But...I wanted to talk to Sidney now. I just couldn't understand why this had happened to me. Maybe if I could, I could deal with it. At last I began.

"I figure I'm a pretty good guy, doc. I mean, I work hard. I take care of my mom. I always try to be nice to other people. At least as nice as they'll let me. Some of 'em make it kinda hard, sometimes. I'm not what you'd call real popular, but... I'm not disliked."

"No, you're not, Radar. Many people think very kindly of you, myself included."

"So I can't understand why someone, someone I never saw before, would... Just right off the bat there was...It was like we were a couple of strange cats, circling each other, you know? No reason I could see. It was just there."

Sidney nodded. "There isn't always a clear explanation. Some people just clash."

"Well, if he thought I was so irritating, seems to me the sensible thing to do would be avoid me, right? But he kept coming around, even when he didn't have to be here, and...and I just told you it isn't someone in camp, didn't I?'

"Yes. But don't worry about that right now. Like I said, I won't ask, and I won't make any guesses to the brass. So it seemed to you like this person was drawn to you?"

"Uh huh. And I just can't understand why. I know I sure don't try to be around someone when they rub me the wrong way. I figured he was just messing with me, 'cause he didn't like me. Then... he started acting... funny."

"I'm assuming you don't mean amusing?"

"Heck no. Weird. Saying things I couldn't understand. Like, I said what good men the doctors were? He was like, 'Oh, so you don't like regular men, you only like the fancy, college type? You don't like the rough working man?'. What was that s'posed to mean? I like all kinds of people."

"Sounds like maybe he was feeling a little inadequate."

"I don't see how. He always seemed pretty pleased with himself. Then it... got worse. He... uh... he... touched me. A couple of times."

Sidney's face was grave. "Touched you how, Walter?"

"He didn't, like, hit me, or anything. But... Just putting his hands on me, and I told him not to. That it wasn't right, him doing that, because I didn't like him...that way."

His voice was gentle, non judgmental. "In a sexual way?"

My voice was barely a whisper. "Yeah." I cleared my throat, not looking at him. "I... uh... I've never really gone with girls, Sidney. I... there's a guy..." I was blushing.

"You don't have to tell me this, Radar. But you can, if it will help you."

"My friend... He said the word they... we use, is gay."

Sidney nodded. "A good term. More personal, not so clinical, or mean spirited as some."

"Well, like I said. I got a friend. And that's all I want. This other... I don't know how he knew that..."

"Hold it right there, Walter. You may be making a wrong assumption here. This man didn't necessarily know that you were gay. It's entirely possible he would have targeted you any way."

"You think so?" He nodded. "Even if he knew for sure I wouldn't be interested in him?"

"I'd say that was probably one of your greatest attractions for him. There is a certain type of individual who is only interested in what they can't have, or aren't supposed to have. You've seen the kind, Walter. We all have. It's just that, in some people, it goes to pathological lengths."

"Pathological?"

"It makes them sick. So this individual's attentions to you escalated gradually?"

"Yeah. It...got real bad recently. The last time he was here." I swallowed hard, realizing now how close I'd come to being raped that first time. If Max hadn't shown up when he had. "He kinda jumped me. Told me he could break my neck if I fought him. He could've, too. He's strong. But I got lucky. Someone came around, and he ran."

"You didn't report this? It would have helped, Walter, if there was a record of this man's activities."

"I couldn't, Sidney. I was afraid...They'd ask so many questions, and my friend..." Sidney was nodding in understanding. "And... he's higher up than me. I noticed that the brass tend to believe their own first."

He sighed. "God, Walter, I wish I could tell you that you were wrong about that, but I make it a practice never to lie to my patients. You were probably right about that. Nothing official would have been done. But son, you have a few very determined and fairly influential friends here at the MASH. They might have arranged something unofficial. I've spoken to Hawkeye. He had a few downright diabolical and highly illegal thoughts on the matter--including neutering and castration, performed with dull instruments and no antiseptic or aenesthesia."

That made me smile. Good ol' Hawk.

The smile faded. "I really tried, y' know? I told 'im every way I could that I wasn't interested. I started locking the office at night. I made sure I wasn't ever anywhere lonely by myself. I even started to shower when there was someone else around, and I hate that. But... It just wasn't enough."

"Walter, if this man was as determined as he seems to have been, nothing short of armed guards would have been enough. This sounds like an obsession."

I could feel my eyebrows rising. "With me?"

"Don't act so surprised, Radar. After all, your friend thinks you're special, doesn't he?"

"Yeah." My voice was soft. "Yeah, he does. But after this..."

"No!" I was a little startled by Sidney's firm tone. "Don't you dare suggest that this has made you any less than what you were, Walter. That man only dirtied you if you allow it to cling to you. You can scrape it off."

"I don't know how, Sidney." I put my hands over my face. "You don't know what he did, what he said. I can remember what he smelled like, what he felt like, the sound of his voice in my ear. Telling me how much he was enjoying himself, telling me I asked for it." I looked at him quickly, desperate for him to understand. "I swear, Sidney, I didn't! I just told him to do it and get it over with, I didn't mean..."

"I know, Walter. He knew it, too. The problem is, Radar, you're looking at this as a sexual act. It wasn't."

Now I was confused. "It wasn't?"

"No. And our legal system will never be what it should be until we recognize rape for what it is: violence and anger taken to another level. Rape isn't real sex, Radar. No matter what the rapist may tell himself, it's about control. Controlling someone else, making them helpless, taking their control. Hurting."

I shivered. I could see what Sidney meant by this. Flagg had always been so concerned about getting me to follow protocol, show him the little subservient gestures the enlisted man gives the officer. The salute, the title. Now I could see the satisfaction he got every time I caved in on one of those. He probably got hard when he made a reluctant soldier salute him and call him 'sir'.

"You've been with your friend, Walter. I'm pretty sure that, aside from the crudest biological mechanics, what you experienced with him was nothing like what happened to you the other night.

And he was right about that. With Ray, it had been sex, love. With Flagg... It had been something else. Something that was deliberately made as hurtful as possible, physically and emotionally.

"He didn't beat me up, exactly."

"No? I'd say he battered you horribly, Radar, even if he didn't use his fists and feet. Did he threaten you?"

I touched the cut on my face, unconsciously. I saw something I'd never expected to see. Hot anger flared in Sidney's usually mild eyes. For a moment, they blazed with rage and hatred. Then he forced the emotion back, with an obvious effort.

"He didn't threaten me."

"Oh." Sidney could put a lot into one syllable.

"So I can't tell."

"I understand."

"I feel better now."

Sidney sighed. "I'm sure you do. The first telling of something like this is like lancing a boil and letting out the infection. But just like that, if you don't continue treatment, Walter, the infection can come back, worse than ever. You still have a lot of issues to work through. I'm going to try to come back and see you in a week or so. And I have the feeling that Colonel Potter is going to see what he can do about sending you home..." I started to protest, but he waved it off. "You've been through more than anyone should have to, son. I'm sure he can arrange something. But I have a friend and colleague who practices close to your hometown. I'm going to give him your name, and give you his name, and I want you to promise me that you'll go see him when you return home."

"Folks in Iowa aren't much on going to head doctors, Sidney. No offense meant."

"None taken. But I hope you'll reconsider. He's good, Walter. And you're going to need someone. It's still early days for you. The repercussions of an incident like this can linger, sometimes for years."

He patted my hand. "You just have to remember, Radar. You don't have to go through this alone. There are people who care about you, and want to help."