Dear Howie,
Hey! How are you? Great, I hope. Me? I'm all right, just hanging out and writing you this letter. I know it seems sort of strange, writing you a letter that you'll probably never read, and if you do it requires you coming to this page and then you might read my fan fic and all that, but hey, it's 7:38 AM and what else do I really have to do? OK, you got me, I do have stuff to read for my Contemporary American Lit class, but the bag that has my book in it is out in my car and it's SO COLD OUT! Besides, I've got something important I need to discuss with you first. What would that be?
Quite simply, us getting married.
Stop laughing, I'm serious.
It seems weird at first, I know - marry this girl you've never met, much less talked to? Crazy? Bear with me, this is good. I realize I'm sounding like the biggest psycho-fan ever here, but this is a totally founded case. You and I, as much as you may not know it, are frighteningly alike. Examples? Sure, I've got examples.
First off, I've noticed over the past three years that you're the one that gets the brunt of the teasing in your little group. You do, you're always getting ribbed and you just sort of take it with that nod of resign. I completely sympathize. I'm one of those people that does really stupid things and has friends that will never ever ever let any of them go. Not that I don't love them, I do (as I'm sure you love the rest of the Boys), I just always hear about it. But I get the feeling - and this is just a guess, so maybe I'm wrong - that when it's all said and done and one of the guys needs anything they know you'll be there in a heartbeat. Yup, me too. Dependable, Howard. A very important thing.
Was that shady? Sorry. What else? We are both talkers. We'll both ramble on and on and on, even if nobody's paying one whit of attention (yes, you do that, sorry to say). If we were to get hitched, we could ramble on and on and on to each other and know that there's always somebody paying attention. Well maybe not always, but still.
Here's another thing - my parents (especially my mother), will adore you. You can talk investments and property values and all that crap with them til the cows come home. My grandpa might take a little convincing - I showed him a picture of you once and informed him we were getting married. He asked what you did, I said pop singer. "Pop singer!" he scoffed. "That'll take him through another five years, tops - what's he going to do for money after that? How will he support you?" I don't think he quite realizes how much you make, but I appreciated his concern, y'know? He's cool, you'll like him too.
I know these all seem like really stupid examples and I'm sorry, but you know how sometimes you just know these things? I just know, Howie. Wait, wait, stop! Don't you dare click that back button and go read Wall Street Journal Online or something instead! You still with me? Good. Thanks for humoring me.
All right, all right. I'm going to stop mincing words because no doubt your patience is wearing thin. Note that I mean this next bit in the absolute nicest way, because I really do love you. But Howard, here's the thing.
We are both freaks, dude.
Not circus freaks, pay-a-quarter-to-see freaks, but weird, quirky people. We're both dorky (don't deny it, dork is a compliment in my book!), but still cool and likeable. Don't believe the freaky part? Here's an example.
I'm not sure if you know it, but you have this ability to straighten your fingers beyond straight. You know how most people's fingers straighten and form a line? Yours actually go backwards some when you straighten them. Yes, really! This is a rarity, Howard, and yet who else has fingers that go straight and beyond? Yours truly.
There are tons of other little things like this, but what I'm trying to get at is who will appreciate these weird-ass characteristics as much as someone who shares them? No one. We need each other. We'd have such a good time being dorks - you know it's true!
Being with me has some benefits, too. First of all, how cool will you be, dating and marrying a not-model/actress/want to be either of the two? And more than that, one in a wheelchair? God, could it get any better for the Backstreet image? That'd make up for Nick being an ass to that girl in a wheelchair a few years ago for sure! I'd be one big walking- uh, sitting boost for you all's public face. What else? I won't milk you for money or anything like that - hell, I'm in college. I'm used to being broke. I'm 4'3" sitting down, I'll make you feel like a giant. But most of all, I'm not at all clingy. You go out and do your thing? Cool. I'm not gonna call every hour and check up on you. Frankly too much one-on-one time makes me feel kinda cramped.
So I'm sure you're now thinking I'm a loon and that no way would you ever hook up with me. OK, well, I made my case. I still love you, I'll still imagine our cute little ninos puertorriquenos. If I don't hear from you I'll just go marry Little Howie at the Olive Garden (click here for the story on LH), which will no doubt not be a very happy experience for him because I will make him let me call him Little Howie, or at least D. Either way, just keep this in mind - I liked you before everyone else started thinking you were hot.
Sincerely,
--Chris
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