im only happy when it rains
im so pissed off. i hate this. i hate everything. im so tired that i cant sleep. i havent slept in 2 days. no joke.

all ive done for the past 3 days is paint, paint, and oh what a surprise more paint. im sick of it. then last nite i had to watch everyone while my parents went out for their anniversary. kate promised me she would come over and hang out w/ me all nite but instead she ditched me to go w/ fucking brad. well now we know what is more important to her and what will always come first. what makes me mad is that she didnt even have the balls to call me and tell me. she just sent me an e-mail probablly hoping i would never read it and in it she even told me she was ditching me. like she did it on purpose.

i cant take her anymore. i never want to see her or look at her or fucking talk to her again. i hate it!! i hate it all!!!!!

then theres my parents. they fucking make me do everything they dont want to. "paint the porch, do the laundry, make dinner, clear the table, do the dishes, watch the kids, put them to bed, walk the dogs, clean my fucking house" it so annoying. they yell at me for anything and everything. i hate it so much. i cant stop crying and no one seems to care. i want to die. i just want to die.

i hate these people. they drive me insane and i cant take it anymore. i have no way out. i want it to just go away but it wont leave me alone and i cant stop crying. nobody cares. if i could sleep i would, just to get away from it all. but i cant.

sometimes i wonder what i did to deserve this. i dont know but it must have been something really horrible. no one understands tho. ive pretended to be happy for so long that i dont know how to really be happy. no one understands that you can be happy and depressed at the same time. no one gets it. im so alone and i hate it. i think im gonna go take some sleeping pills so i can sleep.

no i dont have a gun
well that didnt last long - my good mood. im pretty sure it was the family that did it. my family drags me into chicago knowing that i really didnt want to go at all. i mean would you want to spend your weekend surounded by people who hate you? me either.

so i escaped. i went to annes house and people got pissed at me. you think they wouldnt considering they have much bigger issues to deal with. i mean if one single person had said hey id like if you would stay here and spend time w/ me - yea w/e that would have been fine. the only person that said that to me was anne so i spent my time w/ her.

i went to my cousins fucking grad. party which was a waste of time. im telling you, if you invite your family to your house - like you make it sound like you want them there - then you better fucking spend time w/ them and not hide out in your house. but thats just my opinion. which im sure youre thinking thats bitchy of me to say considering i hid from the family the whole weekend but i didnt WANT them near me, or invite them to be near me or w/e the hell. if theyre not gonna make an effort why should i?

so i stayed w/ anne and we talked about the family. i guess its different when you dont actually have to be around them. we must have went thro every single person in the family and said w/e we thought about them - mainly bad stuff.

so mainly ive been angry lately. this whole week i have and i dont know why. it gives me a headache whenever i try to even think about it. i mean yesterday i was so angry i was yelling at the dog. it didnt even do anything to me, i just felt the urge to yell at someone. im so confused. its not like i dont want to be happy, it just seems that i cant.

so now im stuck at home and i have to paint the fucking porch. hey buddy i dont want to paint the freakin porch so leave me alone! at least it will give me something to do ya know?? now that im acting like a pretty egotistic person. greeaat. well i better go before i do something else thats stupid...........

"just remember i love you better!" "aww i feel special now!" "you should damnit!!!"
Wow. now that school is over ive been pretty happy. its really weird tho, that i go from bitchy to happy like that. i realized something too- i scare ppl! i dont know if this is a good or bad thing. poor tom. i laugh when i think about it now. but anyways he asked me what he did to make me so angry. i felt so bad b/c i wasnt even mad at him and i didnt realize i was directing my anger towards him. i was like aww im sorry! then he told me i scared him when i was pissed off. i was like thanks....? this happened to me at least 4 times this weekend.

besides now knowing i scare ppl i had a pretty good freakin weekend. saturday was pretty fun. tombo finally showed up and katie and i played soccer w/ him and all of these lil boys. it was fun times.

then today was my spanish and english finals. they were EASY! i say that now but just watch i prolly fucked em up and failed. i know the history final is gonna be HUGE!! damn WWII.

yesterday i didnt really study. i just sat arounnd and watched 80s movies. how i love molly ringwald movies (16 candles, the breakfast club, etc). then i sat and watched the big storm. how i love to watch storms. notice this great mood im in?? its kinda freakin me out. idk but this weekend should be a good one. i get to see anne!! hopefully my good mood will last until after then. doubt it but thats alrite. well i really should go and study damnit. later

why do we all end up alone? why do we all end up dead drunk or stoned?
today was atually a good day. i got to sleep in, then woke up and went to target to get some stuff for kate. i ended up just buying cake mix and frosting and makin a pretty hot cake. it actually did turn out good and thats surprsing since everything i try and cook either explodes or starts on fire.

today at kates was pretty drama free. prolly b/c it was only me, chels, addie, and kate. we walked all the way to foster to the river (tradition lol) and documented everything w/ travis2. after that we just chilled at her house and watched our movie that we made on travis2 while eating like 50 freeze pops. it was good times. later when we were outside these freakin lil 10 year olds came by on scooters and thought they were the shit b/c they had lil plastic lightsabers. so we threw water balloons at them until they left. then kates sisters friends came over. its awesome b/c theyre all stoners. B.S. was especially high tonite. we were all like "go boner the stoner!!" it was grand.

now im just sitting at home trying to ignore my brother and his dumbass friend. stupid sleepovers....hopefully tomorrow will be fun if i go w/ katie m to PBs festival thing. stupid tombo. oh yea, i love NOT being in school. i dont have to see all the ppl i hate anymore. its great. well im definatley leaving this hell hole rite about........now.

*we are the champions, playin loud on the radio station...*
today was finally my last day of school. in a way its kinda sad. ok i know im sick of all those ppl, but i know ill miss em all. ill still see addie occasionally over the summer but im planning on living at katies house during all of vacation. i cant stand my family. they are annoying me to death. but we dont wanna go into that.

today was an ok day, we didnt even do anything in any of the classes. addie finally got her contacts! its so weird to see her w/o her glasses on tho. i finally went off on veronica. i couldnt help it. she was complaining about her health grade, which was a B-. i was just like look, if your gonna cry about a freakin B- do it somewhere else (she was seriously in tears b/c of it. no joke.) cuz i got a freakin C and would galdly take a B freakin minus. so she ignored me for the rest of the day. hey someone had to do it, and considering im the head bitch i figured, why not?

i cant control my anger anymore. it sucks. i dont know what im going thro but i havent been happy in what seems like forever. its like yea i can put on my happy face for school but im not actually happy at all, im sad and angry. its like your whole world is falling around you and all you can do is pretend to be happy. sometimes i feel like i just need to break down and cry, but i cant.

i saw ryan one last time today. he hasnt been at school all week cuz seniors got out last week. he seemd kinda sad. then i talked to jackie and she seemed kinda sad too. hopefully he will come back and visit her next year. i guess her car broke down again. how i miss those days of driving in her stick shift and stopping quickly every time she changed gears. how i miss those good times. and i dont think ill ever be able to forget that whole french fry incedent, EVER!!

since school is over i have nothing to do, thats the bad side of it. i know i have no life. this weekend should be interesting and drama filled tho. kates thing is tomorrow and idk if i really wanna go. then saturday should be interesting.....hmmm

cleaning out my locker was interesting today. i found all of my old locker decs and pictures ppl made me. i saved them all too. it reminded me of all the good times we had this year. it went by so freakin fast, the year that is. i guess thats just how things go tho. i have to say my favorite part of the day tho was singing down the hallways w/ addie. i love our psycho moments we have. hopefully next year will be as good as this one was. who knows....

....and it all falls around me......
im so tired of my life sucking out loud. its horrible. heres the short version:
?kates bein a dumbass w/ the whole robbie thing. hes currently "not her friend" anymore. yea until he wants more of what shes givin him.
?im going to kill veroinca. ive been arouund her so much i cant stand her. i thought it was just me but addie is agreeing w/ me and so it sarah. shes seriously changed so freakin much from the begging of the year.
?people are two-faced
?im going to fail finals. its so annoying. i hate school. especially all the freakin teachers. the need to step off. i think ive done good this year, ive only gotten 3 DTs. wait 4. no only 3 i think. idk i cant remeber.
?i found out my g-ma has a tumor on her spine. this is insane cuz they just thought my other g-ma had cancer but it turned out she doesnt and now this is happening. its like never ending.

enough of this. this weekend should be good. friday is kates party (if shes still havin it since all of the drama) and then saturday im goin w/ katie to meet up w/ tom and the other guys. it should be good.

oh now for my drama of the school day! today in 7th i was talkin to brady and i got out of him that amber told him she loved him and he didnt say anything back!!!!!! he just walked away. i was yellin at him tellin him how awful that was of him!!! i think it was at least. idk.

if this weekend sucks next next weekend will definatley beat it. were goin into chicago. at least ill get to see anne!!!!! something always happens when that freakin family gets togther. sometimes its interesting b/c then anne and i can find out all the family gossip lol.

no more seniors are at school. addie and i both miss PUPPY!!!!!! but im glad that lil slut jodie is gone. not to mention james (what a fag). let me tell you, hes a bitch. anywho thats all i got for now.

vhat in da hell?
life has just been so......blah. idk ive been so irritable lately and i dont know why. this weekend went by too fast. i did get to go to katies on saturday night tho which was pretty fun (excluding all the drama that went on).

well it was me, katie, robbie, and chels (thank god she was there!) anywho theres ALWAYS drama when robbie is arournd but that stories been told. this time kate kept trin to leave me and chels and go off w/ robbie. ex. we were all watchin a movie and katie got pissed cuz robbie was sittin by me and so she got up and left (robbie following after her). oh and then we were outside and katie and robbie were on her porch and chelsea and i didnt wanna watch them all up on eachother so we left.

it was great tho b/c it was about 11 at night and chels and i go around stealing flowers from all of the neighbors yards. so we had this big bouquet of em by the time we came back. but as soon as we did come back katie was like "go get some more" just as an excuse to get us away. we didnt listen to her so she got up and walked like five feet, layed down on the ground and in the most pathetic voice goes "help me. i have fallen down. help me." so of course robbie goes over to her.

what pisses me off is that robbie can talk all the shit he wants about her when shes not around but when she IS around he allows her to be on him and doesnt really seem to care. he claims he "just doesnt wanna set her off" but you know what i think? i think he likes it. yea thats right we all know what went down in that bedroom saturday night, so dont deny it. arrg

after he left it was good tho. we drank and went on the roof. stupid jenny e. had ppl over and was hot tubbing (yea this was like 1 or 2 in the morning) so we sat on the roof throwing shingles into her yard, or trying to at least.

anyways sunday was stupid SC and it sucked but guess what? it was the last time ever!!!!!! woohoo! so now im listenin to jennifers life story (again)and she broke up w/ blake b/c she was "PMSing". w/e that lil bhonk needs to get a life.

and im done.

its too darn hot
i havent written in forever but what can i say, lifes a bitch. i dont really feel like going back so im just gonna start from the now. anywho schools almost over - thank god. i dont know how much more of these ppl i can take. ive been so irritable lately. sorry to that.

yesterday we had practice, which was a first in like 2 months. so yea we were horrible. anyways people just annoy the hell outta me. especially veronica. last night i pulled up late and i saw roger and tom so and i didnt know where to go so i just got out and went w/ them. as i got out i pinched my hand in the freakin door and it was all swollen and pruple. but anyays i was talkin to them and i told tom katie was mad at him. they have this thing, even tho theyve actually never seen eachother. its werid but yea. well shes mad cuz he keeps blowin her off. so we got there and i tried to stay away from veronica and jennifer. i tried to stay by ashley, it kinda worked. jesus jennifer must have told me her life story at least 5 times last night. she wants to break up w/ blake cuz shes back to liking roger.

oh yea roger and jodie broke up!!!!!!!!!!!!!! did i ever talk about them?? well they were going out (shes such a bitchy whore)actually i think she just told HIM they were going out cuz she told everyone else she had a boyfriend named neil at a different school. but yea they broke up. he is a sophmore and shes a senior. they went to prom togther, and she definatley corrupted him.

anyways today i only had to go to 1st period b/c we preformed all day. oh god it was bad. of course last night i started cardboard boxing so yea i had that today. ok so i was a bitch but they deserved it. veronica was overwhelmingly annoying and jennifer, well she was just jennifer. i again tried to stay w/ ashley but half way through it we got seperated and i was stuck w/ veronica. i had a really bad stomach ache so for part of the time i was laying on the floor.

oh yea did i mention it got so freakin hot!!! my god we were all sweating during our preformances it was sick.

i think katies mad at me. why? prolly something stupid like i didnt get her a present on her birthday. ok im sorry it was mothers day and the whole weekend she just basically blew me off. we had plans but yea w/e she can go and be a bitch somewhere else cuz im tired of it. god im anoyyed w/ everyone, especially my family. the only ppl i can tolerate are like ashley, addie and idk who else actually. i am so confused. im leaving now.
oh yea i get my braces off in 3 months - woohoo.

you stupid cracker
spring break. holy cracker. nothing that great has actually come of it. ill start all the way back at saturday. saturday nite i stayed at katies and chelsea and robbie came over and we burned stuff in the garage. we werent allowed inside. actually robbie wasnt allowed but we stayed outside w/ him. nothing came out of this nite except for DRAMA. but we all know the story.

tuesday i got my hair cut. ugh. i just wanted a few inches cut off and instead this stupid cracker cut all of my hair off and now all im left w/ is a couple inches. oh well it will eventually grow back.

yesterday i went to chicago w/ katie and her dad. it was ok fun. we went to navy pier and rode the ferris wheel. that was hot. then we went to shedds aqarium. that was also hot b/c we made some freinds. a dude in an orange shirt, a dude w/ dc shoes, and a dude w/ curly hair. lol dont ask. then we went to the sears tower. oh god i must tell my story about the sears tower!!!!

so we were in line to get our tickets for it and there was this dude behind us on a cell phone. well we all had to go into this lil room to wait to watch an 8 minute movie they make you watch before you can go up. well the guy on the cell phone was still talkin and he talked like he was a true gay man. well katie and i heard him talkin and started laughin, not really AT him but just to ourselves. well then i was tellin her how i thought he looked like james scott-and he really did too! so i was like maybe its his twin.

well then he goes, in a rather loud voice, im not gonna sit here or in an 8 minute movie w/ these two little bitches over here. well katie and i looked at eachother cuz we didnt know if he was talkin about us. so then he goes again yea these two little bitches in the corner. so then we knew he was talkin about us. so he went up to the security gaurd and started complaining about how he didnt want to watch an 8 minute movie and all this other bullshit until the gaurd let him and his lil firends go. katie waved and said bye to him and he gave us a bad look as he left.

then when we finally got up there. him and his friends were still there and when he saw us he left! it was the greatest thing of the whole damn trip. thats the 2nd time a gay guys called me a bitch too! haha YES!! well you know what i think? i think you guys should learn some better insults cuz bitch just isnt cuttin it for me.

oh and after he left everyone was starin at us. he said it loud enough for the whole room to hear! katie and i thought he was on a fake cell phone - you know one of those candy ones. haha prolly was. stupid cracker.

then after that we rode the train around. we took the brown line that went in a a big loop. we got to see a lot of random ppl and it was fun listening to their conversations. then after that we went home. it was so odd b/c as soon as we got home we were drivin in our downtown and its nothing compared to chicago. like ive been to chicago and all before but i never really spent that much time downtown. its kinda funny tho.

then today i didnt really do anything. i went to k-mart tonite and got some hot stuff for my bed. the comforter has surfboards on it and the sheets are blue w/ hawaiin lookin flowers. and that was the highlite of my day!

tomorrow i get to go to my grandmas and color eggs. its lil kid stuff but i have fun anyways. then i
have to go back to jefferson pointe and finish fillin out and turnin in applications. yea on monday i went lookin for a freakin job. i went to azts, starbucks, petsmart, and coldstone. but some of them didnt have any applications so i have to go back tomorrow. yuck. anyways thats all i had to say....

tears of sadness
if i could describe the day in one word it would have to be: shitty. yep that sounds pretty good. well i was sick yesterday and didnt really wanna go to school today but i did anyways cuz i knew i would be screwed over if i didnt. so i went and that was a big mistake.

after 1st period i was walkin down the hall to go to 2nd and i saw addie so i stopped to talk to her. yea that wasnt too good. this weekend i had written her and e-mail cuz i was kinda pissed off and it didnt have very good stuff in it and it said a lot of shit that shouldnt have been said. well she tells me that she was in the middle of reading it when she had to go to play practice so she left it up on the screen. well her dad obviously walked by and saw it up cuz he printed it off and read it. yea not good.

well addies dad already hates me enough, this just didnt help it at all. he thinks im a big slut and have sex and smoke pot and drink beer like everyday, none of which is true. so now he read this e-mail w/ not so good stuff in it. he told her shes never allowed around me again (umm hello i see her every freakin day in school) and i cant go anywhere w/ her or anything like that. then he told her he was gonna call my parents and show them the paper.

ok this is partially my fault, but i didnt think addie was as stupid to leave my e-mail up where her dad could easily read it. her excuse was "oh i didnt think hed see it" riiiiite. so now i know who NOT to e-mail anymore.

any ways she was all like yea hes gonna tell your parents and all this shit so i went into 2nd basically in tears. im in one of those crying moods toady. anything you say or do will prolly make me cry. so i sat in 2nd period crying in front of the whole class. it would have been fine if mrs ball didnt draw everyones attention to it. so it was dead quite (which never happens) and all you can hear are my sobs! mrs ball was like go down to the chapel. umm how bout no. so molly walked w/ me around the school. we walked in complete silence but it seemed to help cuz i went back to class. yea the rest of the day everyone kept coming up to me and saying "are you alrite?? whats wrong?" i wasnt gonna be like IM ON MY FREAKIN PERIOD.i was about to but its all good. and i couldnt tell them the addie story cuz i didnt want her to find out.

anyways i had play practice and it was sooo pointless b/c i didnt get anything out of it. i was totally lost the whole time. roger and i were just like riiiiite. that sucked.

then i get home and decided to call katie cuz i had called her earlier and amelia told me she had called. well i called and she answered in tears, telling me how she got in a really bad car accident. i guess she was going to softball w/ elizabeth and her grandpa pulled out in front of a car and she was in the back seat and her head hit the door and w/e was in front of her. they rushed her to the emergency room and i guess it was pretty bad. the whole left side of her face is bloodied up and bruised. shes obviously home now, so shes pretty lucky thats all that happened to her. so of course i was bawling while talking to her.

it freaked me out. you dont think anything like that could happen to you or anyone else you know, and then when it does it makes you realize the world around you. shes not going to school tomorrow and im planning on visiting her after school.

i got online and talked to ryan and totally freaked out on him. i was tellin him bout my whole day. he told me not to worry about it and that it was alrite. ive calmed down a bit since then tho.

i have a shitload of homework to do tho that i havent even started. oh well, im gonna be out of it tomorrow and i cant really concentrate on anything at the moment except whats going on. im really confused at the moment so this is all im gonna write for now.