(no subject)
so yesterday was a pretty good day. kate actually called me and i went over to shoot off fireworks w/ her for the 4th of july. we ended up meeting w/ chels and standing in her street watching her gay ass neighbor and everyone else shoot fireworks off. it was a pretty shitty 4th of july but oh well.

today i had stupid drivers ed. how i hate that man. and i only hate him b/c he hated me first. he went SO easy on everybody else and let them drive in the country w/ now freakin cars around. then he made me go downtown w/ all the major traffic and i had like no clue of what i was doing. he was SO picky about everything i did. ooh how i hate him w/ a passion. he told me i need more practice. it pissed me off. how i hate those ppl who favor others, its not rite and totally bugs the shit out of me. its not like i can do anything to change it but it still annoys me.

anywho i have a whole freakin week of this, so im sure this is going to be loads of fun. idk what else happened this past weekend but i dont really feel like writing cuz im in my (bad) mood. damn that cardboard boxing. w/e im done for now.

guess that ive been blessed but ill be damned
today was an ok day....i just stayed home but it was ok. i actually tried to call kate. *what was i thinking* she either wasnt home or was screening her calls. now that i think of it, im glad she didnt answer b/c the oly thing i can think of to say to her isnt too nice.

anywho, BIG family craziness is breaking out *as usual* so anne and i keep e-mailing eachother back and forth long e-mails about how fucked up the family is. yea it turns out franny's family is going to the cottage the same time as terry's family (annes mom). as we all know franny is messed up enough so anne is like pissed her vacation is gonna be like ruined.

anyways i guess DW was really at the mall yesterday. we must have just missed him. so i guess he wandered the mall by himself. its actually quit funny, but sad in a way. lol.

anyways those crazay dreams keep on comin. i dont think i ever wrote about my other ones. but anyways last nite i had a dream that ppl at my school were trying to kill me and allison. there was also something about lunch meats....idk it was really confusing...and random....

so anyways there really isnt anything left to say.

*..light me up that cigarette and ill strap shoes on my feet..*
soo today....what happened....well i got to go to the mall w/ katie. no one else came, but it was just as fun anyways. DW was supposed to come but idk what happened w/ that. prolly got friskey w/ his magic cards! lol. anyways we got to see david (clayton) but he didnt seem to be in a very good mood cuz he didnt talk to us much. katie did end up getting his picture tho, only after telling him she loved him. lol it was pretty funny.

then i bought random things, it was fun. i bought sea monkeys (you know those instant pets that you just add water to and they like grow or w/e), some lip gloss, and a purse. well i got to get 2 cuz it was BOGO. lol bogo.....so i also got this hot dickies purse in addition to my o'neil one. pretty hot!

then i got home just as micheal welling was leaving. oh yea did i mention he was at my house all day??? oh god he is one of my brothers most annoying friends. anyways his mom was inside and wouldnt shut up about some nonsence. ugh

then i had to go to show choir, which as usual was totally pointless, but yet so fun. both tombo and roger werent there. i know rogers in texas but as for tom, idk....and i wanted to ask him about katie too! lol. oh yea veronica was there, but shes being cool now...kinda.

so we hung out and then i decided to leave cuz i wasnt doing anything anyways. so we did random things in the hall. greg stole my flip flop, then he showed us his knife, then veronica stole it from him, then i caught a lightening bug, then greg killed it...it was sad. then i drew a picture of kirby....dancing....naked! lol. (then nathan made fun of me cuz i was imitating the dance he would do) speaking of that robbie wasnt even there tonite. i nee to yell at him about that. he prolly quit tho.

so then it was time to leave and everyone was waiting for their rides and greg went off w/ the sluts and my ride came so i left. it was an ok time excpet i swear to god one freakin lighting bug flew up my pants and it was soo distubring me!!!! ugh.

i dont think i have anytyhing planned for this weekend, which should be nice. i start drivers ed back up on monday. it should be a lot better tho b/c now all it is is driving. except i got stuck w/ stupid ppl in my car. ah oh well.

well thats all for now b/ my computer is starting to freak out on me. tata.

P.S. you owe me 10 bucks. i saw her w/ chels yesterday and brad told me they went to the movies yesterday. lol dont you love it when im rite??

standing there w/ your smile blinding your eyes
ok so its been a while since ive written in here. ive thought about it but decided i havent really felt like it lately. oh i found out ppl read this. isnt that crazay?? anywho i guess im in my (good) mood, for now at least.

so we went into chicago (a day late too). dont ask why b/c im not gonna explain it. you wouldnt wanna know anyways, trust me. i had fun in chicago. thank god for anne b/c otherwise i would shoot myself in the face if i had to be w/ the family by myself!!! lol we always have good times making fun of the family tho. theyre so fucked up. its hilarious. as for slim, hes NO better. but thats a whole different story there.

so lets see what else has happened.....kate never called me before she left for camp. shell be back tomorrow i think....im not sure. not like it will matter. ill bet you 10 bucks the 1st ppl she talks to is 1) brad & 2) brad, or maybe chels. ah oh well.

i have my beloved show choir on thursday. no one is like gonna be there, except the psycho messed up ppl. thats always fun....ok at least veronica wont be there. ha how mean of me. oh and i think roger told me he wasnt gonna be there either b/c hes going to...texas...?

speaking of roger - i heard from sarah that he smokes. this makes me laugh b/c he is like the most innocent person i know. maybe thats just like his cover up. lol i told veronica and she got like all freaked out!!! its not like i can be mad at him cuz i do the exact same thing. its not like im addicted or anything, its just once in a while you need that one lil cig. i usually only do it at kates b/c she actually takes them from random ppl. lol.

anywho...i think me and katie are going to have a mall adventure on thursday to go see clayton!!! idk who else is gonna come tho. not kate. maybe addie...hmmm

i think my (bad) mood is coming cuz i feel irritable. its weird how ppl can be happy all the time. it kinda makes me feel sick. or maybe they just dont realize whats going on around them. its questionable.

anywho i think im gonna go shower. then maybe ill sleep. i have no life!!

tangerine speedo
ok so people change. yea, yea, i got that down now. but i think i have changed most of all. weird. and yes i am in one of my (good) moods now. dont ask why, just am. i know it wont last long but thats ok.

i am actually looking forward to going to chicago this weekend. yea big surprise. i actually want to see the ppl there. i think i feel bad cuz i was in one of my (bad) moods and i dont think i was very nice to them. so yea.....

i cant wait until this damn drivers ed is over. this is my last week, thank god. i love driving and all but 30 hours of sitting in the cafeteria listening to 2 old guys talk about driving is boring. the driving week will be more fun.

anywho. you know what? i cant wait for school. i miss all of my ppl cuz i never see them anymore. actually i dont know if i miss them. maybe not. haha thats kinda mean of me.

anywho.....i guess this summer has been ok. but its goin by really slow. kate and i have made a list of things to do tho. the first thing is to steal some lawn ornament from some random persons lawn. lol im gonna put mine in my room.

ive been havin crazy dreams lately too. last nite i had a dream about stupid thomas and he was swimming in my pool. its only b/c katie and i were talkin about him the other nite. lol that was a good convo. well im gonna go, mainly b/c im writing down random shit and that is pointless.

the trick is to keep breathing
well things havent gotten much better but since i fake my happiness it doesnt really matter. after saying i would never talk to kate i did. i said fuck it, ill give her another chance. stupid me, i thought ppl could change. my fault. brad still comes first in everything. im trying to stay away from her but i cant help it.

idk i just miss the old kate. i miss my old friend. the one who didnt put sex drugs and alochol before her friends. it was fun for a while, doing all those things, but now i wish it was just like it was before. like last summer. its too late tho, i already know that.

summers been pretty boring. oh as for the family theyre not much better either. i do what they tell me and nothing more. yay just how i wanted to spend my summer. i even rather have a job, it would at least guve me something to do. next year i am definatley working everyday like 10 hours a day just so i wont have to see anyone. trust me it would be a lot more fun. im actually looking forward to scool, besides the whole waking up early part.

anywho im done bitching for now. besides i dont want to talk about it anymore.

im only happy when it rains
im so pissed off. i hate this. i hate everything. im so tired that i cant sleep. i havent slept in 2 days. no joke.

all ive done for the past 3 days is paint, paint, and oh what a surprise more paint. im sick of it. then last nite i had to watch everyone while my parents went out for their anniversary. kate promised me she would come over and hang out w/ me all nite but instead she ditched me to go w/ fucking brad. well now we know what is more important to her and what will always come first. what makes me mad is that she didnt even have the balls to call me and tell me. she just sent me an e-mail probablly hoping i would never read it and in it she even told me she was ditching me. like she did it on purpose.

i cant take her anymore. i never want to see her or look at her or fucking talk to her again. i hate it!! i hate it all!!!!!

then theres my parents. they fucking make me do everything they dont want to. "paint the porch, do the laundry, make dinner, clear the table, do the dishes, watch the kids, put them to bed, walk the dogs, clean my fucking house" it so annoying. they yell at me for anything and everything. i hate it so much. i cant stop crying and no one seems to care. i want to die. i just want to die.

i hate these people. they drive me insane and i cant take it anymore. i have no way out. i want it to just go away but it wont leave me alone and i cant stop crying. nobody cares. if i could sleep i would, just to get away from it all. but i cant.

sometimes i wonder what i did to deserve this. i dont know but it must have been something really horrible. no one understands tho. ive pretended to be happy for so long that i dont know how to really be happy. no one understands that you can be happy and depressed at the same time. no one gets it. im so alone and i hate it. i think im gonna go take some sleeping pills so i can sleep.

no i dont have a gun
well that didnt last long - my good mood. im pretty sure it was the family that did it. my family drags me into chicago knowing that i really didnt want to go at all. i mean would you want to spend your weekend surounded by people who hate you? me either.

so i escaped. i went to annes house and people got pissed at me. you think they wouldnt considering they have much bigger issues to deal with. i mean if one single person had said hey id like if you would stay here and spend time w/ me - yea w/e that would have been fine. the only person that said that to me was anne so i spent my time w/ her.

i went to my cousins fucking grad. party which was a waste of time. im telling you, if you invite your family to your house - like you make it sound like you want them there - then you better fucking spend time w/ them and not hide out in your house. but thats just my opinion. which im sure youre thinking thats bitchy of me to say considering i hid from the family the whole weekend but i didnt WANT them near me, or invite them to be near me or w/e the hell. if theyre not gonna make an effort why should i?

so i stayed w/ anne and we talked about the family. i guess its different when you dont actually have to be around them. we must have went thro every single person in the family and said w/e we thought about them - mainly bad stuff.

so mainly ive been angry lately. this whole week i have and i dont know why. it gives me a headache whenever i try to even think about it. i mean yesterday i was so angry i was yelling at the dog. it didnt even do anything to me, i just felt the urge to yell at someone. im so confused. its not like i dont want to be happy, it just seems that i cant.

so now im stuck at home and i have to paint the fucking porch. hey buddy i dont want to paint the freakin porch so leave me alone! at least it will give me something to do ya know?? now that im acting like a pretty egotistic person. greeaat. well i better go before i do something else thats stupid...........

"just remember i love you better!" "aww i feel special now!" "you should damnit!!!"
Wow. now that school is over ive been pretty happy. its really weird tho, that i go from bitchy to happy like that. i realized something too- i scare ppl! i dont know if this is a good or bad thing. poor tom. i laugh when i think about it now. but anyways he asked me what he did to make me so angry. i felt so bad b/c i wasnt even mad at him and i didnt realize i was directing my anger towards him. i was like aww im sorry! then he told me i scared him when i was pissed off. i was like thanks....? this happened to me at least 4 times this weekend.

besides now knowing i scare ppl i had a pretty good freakin weekend. saturday was pretty fun. tombo finally showed up and katie and i played soccer w/ him and all of these lil boys. it was fun times.

then today was my spanish and english finals. they were EASY! i say that now but just watch i prolly fucked em up and failed. i know the history final is gonna be HUGE!! damn WWII.

yesterday i didnt really study. i just sat arounnd and watched 80s movies. how i love molly ringwald movies (16 candles, the breakfast club, etc). then i sat and watched the big storm. how i love to watch storms. notice this great mood im in?? its kinda freakin me out. idk but this weekend should be a good one. i get to see anne!! hopefully my good mood will last until after then. doubt it but thats alrite. well i really should go and study damnit. later

why do we all end up alone? why do we all end up dead drunk or stoned?
today was atually a good day. i got to sleep in, then woke up and went to target to get some stuff for kate. i ended up just buying cake mix and frosting and makin a pretty hot cake. it actually did turn out good and thats surprsing since everything i try and cook either explodes or starts on fire.

today at kates was pretty drama free. prolly b/c it was only me, chels, addie, and kate. we walked all the way to foster to the river (tradition lol) and documented everything w/ travis2. after that we just chilled at her house and watched our movie that we made on travis2 while eating like 50 freeze pops. it was good times. later when we were outside these freakin lil 10 year olds came by on scooters and thought they were the shit b/c they had lil plastic lightsabers. so we threw water balloons at them until they left. then kates sisters friends came over. its awesome b/c theyre all stoners. B.S. was especially high tonite. we were all like "go boner the stoner!!" it was grand.

now im just sitting at home trying to ignore my brother and his dumbass friend. stupid sleepovers....hopefully tomorrow will be fun if i go w/ katie m to PBs festival thing. stupid tombo. oh yea, i love NOT being in school. i dont have to see all the ppl i hate anymore. its great. well im definatley leaving this hell hole rite about........now.