Chris Kattan: Hello. I'm Azrael Abyss.
Molly Shannon: And I'm Circe Nightshade. Welcome to Goth Talk.
Chris Kattan: We should have been born in the 17th century.
Molly Shannon: Yes. I would have been a crow, and my mournful call would be "Caw Caw...Caw"
Chris Kattan: And I would be the wind. And I would go "WoooWooo"
Molly Shannon: Anyway. How was your weekend?
Chris Kattan: Forlorn......I had to work a double shift at Cinnabuns.- Saturday Night Live
Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile Takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and Sold off piece by piece.-Lisa SimpsonErin:You like to hang out too?
I’m not a gentleman; I just don’t want to hump a crazy girl. –a character played by Aries Spears, in Mad TV
Where are you from? The country of white trash? –Buffy the vampire slayer
Oh man, I feel like I’m in the middle of a really bad after school Special. –Sara Gilbert, in “Roseanne,”
Ned Flat: Why are you acting like this?
Yakko Warner: We're not acting. We really are like this.
Tanya Roberts: What’s that pet name [your mother-in-law] has for you?
Debra Jo Rupp: Whore.
–in “That ’70s Show”
ELAINE: Yeah and when I see freaks in the street, I never ever stare at them, and yet I'm careful not to look away, see because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable.
JERRY: That's nice for the freaks.
ELAINE: Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I go to the movies so people can see.
"I thought you were happy-go-lucky."
"No, no, no, I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky."
- Naomi and Jerry, in "The Bubble Boy"
Why do they call it a wedgie?"
"Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until... it wedges in."
"They also have an Atomic Wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It's very rare."
"Boys are sick."
"What do girls do?"
"We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder."
-Elaine, George and Jerry, in "The Library
"Why should I have to be a skinny pencil? I'd rather be a happy magic marker"--Natalie on "Facts of "Life"
"Don't you go calling me 'normal'!"--Jo on "Facts of Life"
"I don't have low self esteem. I just have low esteem for everyone else!"-Daria
Irene: I don't know why I'm telling you this
Sam: Maybe because I'm listening" - Quantum Leap
"Easy?? You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex. And all the while, bobbing up and down, moaning, and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey! They don't call it a 'job' for nothin'." - Sex and the City
"Wait, I just remembered something! You're boring and my legs work." - Just Shoot Me
I don't apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am. ---Homer Simpson
Men will actually begin desiring women who have great personalities. In a related story, breasts will be renamed 'personalities.'---from Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Now Bart, you must promise not to fall in love with me-Martin
"He said he likes me, but he's not in-like with me."- Connie, King of the Hill
Lois: Well, as I always say, a family of freaks is better than no family at all.-The Family Guy
Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England-The Family Guy
Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter; you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid! Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here’s some chocolate fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks!--The Family Guy
"Why doesn't she like me? Is it my hair, my overbite, the fact that I've worn the same shirt and shorts for the last four years?" -Bart Simpson
Yes! Evil rules! Good can suck it! Suck it, good!
- Upright Citizens Brigade
"I am the bubble gum that sticks in your hair!"
"I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime!"
"I am the itch you cannot reach!"
"I am the paper cut that ruins your day!"
"I am the parking meter that expires while you shop!"
"I am the plot-twist in the 2nd reel!"
"I am the terror that flaps in the night!"
"I am the weirdo who sits next to you on the bus!"
"I am the winged scourge that pecks at your nightmares!"
"I am the wrong number that wakes you at 3 am!"
----Darkwing Duck likes a dramatic entrance
You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!"
- Mr. Garrison, South Park
Hey, a fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan! You must be a devil with the ladies.—Simpsons
Sea lab 2021- "It feels like a koala crapped a rainbow in my brain."
Jack: Audrey lost her virginity before the rest of us even knew we had it.---Jack and Jill
Naomi: I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
Jerry: No, no, no I'mnot happy,I'm not lucky and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not fake my way through life
I am not a 32 year old woman
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not spank others
There are plenty of businesses like show business
---Some of Bart Simpsons Chalkboard sayings
"Cloning just finished what the Gap started."
---Colin Quinn-Saturday Night Live
"You are so beautiful, it hurts to look at you."--My So-Called Life
"Whoa! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30 pound butt capacity pants."---Mystery Science Theater 3000
Space Ghost: I don't need intelligence drugs, Tom, because I don't know what they are, okay Tom?
Space Ghost: But I will put anything into my mouth that is given to me, whether it's supposed to go there or not, because... I'm different.
"All our young lives we search for someone to love. We chose partners, change partners...all the while wondering of there's someone, somewhere who might be searching for us."-Kevin Arnold on "The Wonder Years"
"Christians and republicans and nazis, oh my!"-South Park
"I've got a fake laugh with your name written all over it!" –Karen-Will And Grace
"Cheer cheer cheer, yell yell yell
Why give a damn, we're all going to hell." -Daria
"Little Cathy and her magic cigarettes. And whenever she lights up, she can go anywhere in the world..." -Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
"I'll get to heaven even if I have to ride there on a river of blood." -Ryan Stiles, The Drew Carey Show
"She wouldn't use the term lesbian, even if her mouth was full of one" -Panelist on Benmergui Live, on Ellen
SUE-ELLEN: "Which slut are you sleeping with tonight?"
J.R: "Does it matter? Whoever she is, she'll be more interesting than the slut I'm looking at right now."
"Mmm... tastes like hepatitis..." -Adam Corolla, The Man Show
"Breakfast, it's not just for breakfast anymore!" -Sarah Bywater, Gamerz
"Putting the F-U back in funeral..." -Notrich Union spoof, This Hour Has 22 Minutes
"Nice day for a stalk." -Jen, Downtown
"If there's a better friend than a roll of duct tape, I'd like to meet him." -Hank, King of the Hill
"Normally something like that would mean nothing to me, coming from you, I'm proud to say it means even less." -Dennis Miller, Primetime Glick
"You've been acting like Surly McDouchebag all day" -Mission Hill
"Eww... flowers are the sex organs of plants! Why is it considered romantic to castrate a bunch of plants?" -Eunice Eulmeyer, Mission Hill
"They gayed it all up, they got gay all up in it" -Steven Colbert
"Apparently "cute" means "subversive" in Lesbian-speak" -Steven Colbert
"Steve has touched many people, some of them appropriately" -Steven Colbert
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." -Conan O'Brien
Danielle: "Do we have to keep talking about religion? It's Christmas!” From: My So-Called Life
Angela: "She's someone Jordan used to, umm..."
Rayanne: "Yes. Jordan used to umm her."
From: My So-Called Life
“You may be able to control my mind, but you’ll never control…MY ASS!”-The Oblongs
About what happens if you do drugs too often: "By the time you're 25, you're not gonna be able to find your keys, you'll be drooling, and you won't even have keys, because in order to have keys you need a house and a car, and you won't even have those."-Loveline
CALLER: I've gone through a lot of depression. I have a friend that helps me get through it.
ADAM: Is his name Heroin? -Loveline To a 16-year-old female caller who is having a purely sexual relationship with an 18-year-old guy:
ADAM: Where's your dad?
CALLER: He's asleep.
ADAM: In what state? –Loveline
"I know your dad's a world-class A-hole, but that doesn't mean you have to seek out the runner-up in the A-hole competition."-Loveline
"Listen up, fathers: if you want to mistreat your young daughter, congratulations. You'll be seeing her in a porn movie later on."-Loveline
"Fathers: be nice to your daughters, or else later on they'll go out with guys who call them 'skanky bitches.'"-Loveline
To a 16-year-old caller who is pregnant with her second child, married, and having an affair: ADAM: You know the Jerry Springer show?
ADAM: You ever make fun of those people who are on the show?
ADAM: Well, they would make fun of you. —Loveline
Mrs. Lovejoy: Do you think they should be talking about s-e-x in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n?
Krusty: Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down years ago!
"I've been thinking about this: I know I'm a little biased, but I think I'm the greatest person that ever lived." -Conan O'Brien
"Stealing! Bart didn't you learn anything from that guy who gives sermons in church? Captain what's his name? Why do you think we took in all those Police Academy movies, for fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except for at that guy who did sound effects...woooo...Now where was I, oh yeah, stay out of my booze." –Homer. The Simpsons
"Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. 'Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells.' Now let's go back to that... building... thingy... where our beds and TV... is." –Homer, The Simpsons
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." -Homer, The Simpsons
"Mmmm, free goo." -Homer, The Simpsons
"Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad." -Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons
"Stupid babies need the most attention." -Child Welfare Representative, The Simpsons
Kang [running for President]: Abortions for all!
Kang: Very well, Abortions for none!
Kang: Abortions for some, miniature American flags for the others!
Crowd: Yay!!-The Simpsons
"Frolicking has never been so depressing."-Crow, MST3
I loved Jordan Catalano so much, and talked about him so much, and thought about him so much, it was like he lived inside me. Like he had taken possession of my soul, or something. And then one day...I just got over him. -My So Called Life
Why is it that when you miss someone so much that you're ready to break down and cry the moment you hear a sad song on the radio? -Pete and Pete
You could say that fame was like a drug. But what was more like a drug, was the drugs...-Homer Simpson
Stewie- yes, I’m just coo coo for crack-Family guy