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Chris Kattan: Hello. I'm Azrael Abyss.
Molly Shannon: And I'm Circe Nightshade. Welcome to Goth Talk.
Chris Kattan: We should have been born in the 17th century.
Molly Shannon: Yes. I would have been a crow, and my mournful call would be "Caw Caw...Caw"
Chris Kattan: And I would be the wind. And I would go "WoooWooo"
Molly Shannon: Anyway. How was your weekend?
Chris Kattan: Forlorn......I had to work a double shift at Cinnabuns.- Saturday Night Live

“What’s the good of having patients if you can’t make fun of them?”– Dr. Frazier Crane

JERRY: What'sa matter?
ELAINE: I was having lunch and I bit down on the fork.
JERRY: Boy, it's hard to believe with so much biting experience a person could still make a mistake like that.

JERRY: I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.

Man: I think I know you from somewhere
Samantha: It's quite possible we've fucked
-"Sex and the City"

"It tastes like ... burning" — Ralph Wiggum

How's life treating you, Norm?
Like it caught me sleeping with its wife. - Norm Peterson, "Cheers"

An earring? How rebellious... in a conformist sort of way." - Lisa Simpson, from the Simpsons

"Even if I get past all my problems, I'm just going to out and get new ones." - Ally McBeal

"You name it, I haven't done it!" - Ned Flanders, from the Simpsons

"You’re over me? When were you under me?"- Ross to Rachel from Friends

Quinn(from daria) - Dressing in all black is a fashion statement. It's deep, it's meaningful, and it's slenderizing.

"Have you ever had Fruity Pebbles? Once that stuff hits milk, it turns into a narcotic!" -Conan

Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200-SNL

"Here, I'll write it. I'm great at these sappy love letters. Dear baby, welcome to Dumpsville. Population you." -Homer, The Simpsons

"I am not Charlie Brown on acid." -One of Bart's chalkboard messages

"Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch." -Stewie to Olivia, on Family Guy

"Canada? Why should we leave America to go to America Junior?" -Homer

"Okay, you two make like Siamese twins and split . . . and then one of you die." -Peter Griffin, Family Guy

"Dude, Where's My Virginity?" -movie title, The Simpsons

"I was filling out my tax return when I accidentally proved that there is no God." ~~more Homer

Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile Takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and Sold off piece by piece.-Lisa Simpson

Erin:You like to hang out too?
Lisa Simpson: Well, it beats doing stuff.
Erin:Yeah, stuff sucks. -The Simpsons

I'm much more comfortable bad-mouthing people behind their backs.-George Costanza

My parents won't let me use scissors.-Ralph Wiggum

This is everybody's fault but mine.-Homer J Simpson

"Just once I'd like a childhood memory I don't have to repress."-Malcolm In The Middle

Intersting. No wait, the other thing: tedious.-Bender Futurama

The definitions of "pretty": "Pretty means pretty. Cute means pretty but short and or hyper active. Beautiful means pretty and tall. Gorgeous means pretty with great hair. Striking means pretty with a big nose. Sexy means pretty and easy. Exotic means... ugly."-Vicki Lewis as Beth on News Radio

"Lori has this crazy need to be liked. It's just the opposite of me, everybody likes me and I could care less." -Norm McDonald on Norm (his sitcom)

I just don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die."-Mr. Garrison in South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

"It's because they're stupid, that's why everybody does everything"-Homer Simpson

"There comes a time in every friendship where you have to say, 'I never liked you, get lost!'" - Bill McNeil on News Radio

"I like being a mess. It's who I am." -Ally McBeal

Rory: I now officially know what it feels like to have grown up here.
Lorelai: It's not official until you're huddled in the corner eating your hair. -Glimore Girls

I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again.-Bart Simpson

"What is this salty discharge?"
"Oh my God, you're crying."
"This is horrible. I care."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Serenity Now"

"We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get."
- Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser"

Well, either sex or a conversation. Ideally both.-my So called life

Buffy: So what I'm wondering is: does this always happen? Sleep with a guy and he goes all evil?
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. --Homer Simpson

Butt-Head: "Is that, that Christian Slater dude?"
Beavis: "Yeah. It's like, 'Christians? Later, dude.'"
Butt-Head: "Beavis quit tryin' to be funny. It never works."
--Beavis & Butt-Head

I’m not a gentleman; I just don’t want to hump a crazy girl. –a character played by Aries Spears, in Mad TV

Where are you from? The country of white trash? –Buffy the vampire slayer

Oh man, I feel like I’m in the middle of a really bad after school Special. –Sara Gilbert, in “Roseanne,”

Ned Flat: Why are you acting like this?
Yakko Warner: We're not acting. We really are like this.

Tanya Roberts: What’s that pet name [your mother-in-law] has for you?
Debra Jo Rupp: Whore.
–in “That ’70s Show”

ELAINE: Yeah and when I see freaks in the street, I never ever stare at them, and yet I'm careful not to look away, see because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable.
JERRY: That's nice for the freaks.
ELAINE: Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I go to the movies so people can see.

"I thought you were happy-go-lucky."
"No, no, no, I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky."
- Naomi and Jerry, in "The Bubble Boy"

Why do they call it a wedgie?"
"Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until... it wedges in."
"They also have an Atomic Wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It's very rare."
"Boys are sick."
"What do girls do?"
"We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder."
-Elaine, George and Jerry, in "The Library

"Why should I have to be a skinny pencil? I'd rather be a happy magic marker"--Natalie on "Facts of "Life"

"Don't you go calling me 'normal'!"--Jo on "Facts of Life"

"I don't have low self esteem. I just have low esteem for everyone else!"-Daria

Irene: I don't know why I'm telling you this
Sam: Maybe because I'm listening" - Quantum Leap

"Easy?? You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex. And all the while, bobbing up and down, moaning, and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey! They don't call it a 'job' for nothin'." - Sex and the City

"Wait, I just remembered something! You're boring and my legs work." - Just Shoot Me

I don't apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am. ---Homer Simpson

Men will actually begin desiring women who have great personalities. In a related story, breasts will be renamed 'personalities.'---from Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Now Bart, you must promise not to fall in love with me-Martin

"He said he likes me, but he's not in-like with me."- Connie, King of the Hill

Lois: Well, as I always say, a family of freaks is better than no family at all.-The Family Guy

Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England-The Family Guy

Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter; you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid! Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here’s some chocolate fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks!--The Family Guy

"Why doesn't she like me? Is it my hair, my overbite, the fact that I've worn the same shirt and shorts for the last four years?" -Bart Simpson

Yes! Evil rules! Good can suck it! Suck it, good!
- Upright Citizens Brigade

"I am the bubble gum that sticks in your hair!"
"I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime!"
"I am the itch you cannot reach!"
"I am the paper cut that ruins your day!"
"I am the parking meter that expires while you shop!"
"I am the plot-twist in the 2nd reel!"
"I am the terror that flaps in the night!"
"I am the weirdo who sits next to you on the bus!"
"I am the winged scourge that pecks at your nightmares!"
"I am the wrong number that wakes you at 3 am!"
----Darkwing Duck likes a dramatic entrance

You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!"
- Mr. Garrison, South Park

Hey, a fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan! You must be a devil with the ladies.—Simpsons

Sea lab 2021- "It feels like a koala crapped a rainbow in my brain."

Jack: Audrey lost her virginity before the rest of us even knew we had it.---Jack and Jill

Naomi: I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
Jerry: No, no, no I'mnot happy,I'm not lucky and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.

They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not fake my way through life
I am not a 32 year old woman
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not spank others
There are plenty of businesses like show business
---Some of Bart Simpsons Chalkboard sayings

"Cloning just finished what the Gap started."
---Colin Quinn-Saturday Night Live

"You are so beautiful, it hurts to look at you."--My So-Called Life

"Whoa! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30 pound butt capacity pants."---Mystery Science Theater 3000

Space Ghost: I don't need intelligence drugs, Tom, because I don't know what they are, okay Tom?
Tom: Yeah.
Space Ghost: But I will put anything into my mouth that is given to me, whether it's supposed to go there or not, because... I'm different.

"All our young lives we search for someone to love. We chose partners, change partners...all the while wondering of there's someone, somewhere who might be searching for us."-Kevin Arnold on "The Wonder Years"

"Christians and republicans and nazis, oh my!"-South Park

"I've got a fake laugh with your name written all over it!" –Karen-Will And Grace

"Cheer cheer cheer, yell yell yell
Why give a damn, we're all going to hell." -Daria

"Little Cathy and her magic cigarettes. And whenever she lights up, she can go anywhere in the world..." -Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

"I'll get to heaven even if I have to ride there on a river of blood." -Ryan Stiles, The Drew Carey Show

"She wouldn't use the term lesbian, even if her mouth was full of one" -Panelist on Benmergui Live, on Ellen

SUE-ELLEN: "Which slut are you sleeping with tonight?"
J.R: "Does it matter? Whoever she is, she'll be more interesting than the slut I'm looking at right now."

"Mmm... tastes like hepatitis..." -Adam Corolla, The Man Show

"Breakfast, it's not just for breakfast anymore!" -Sarah Bywater, Gamerz

"Putting the F-U back in funeral..." -Notrich Union spoof, This Hour Has 22 Minutes

"Nice day for a stalk." -Jen, Downtown

"If there's a better friend than a roll of duct tape, I'd like to meet him." -Hank, King of the Hill

"Normally something like that would mean nothing to me, coming from you, I'm proud to say it means even less." -Dennis Miller, Primetime Glick

"You've been acting like Surly McDouchebag all day" -Mission Hill

"Eww... flowers are the sex organs of plants! Why is it considered romantic to castrate a bunch of plants?" -Eunice Eulmeyer, Mission Hill

"They gayed it all up, they got gay all up in it" -Steven Colbert

"Apparently "cute" means "subversive" in Lesbian-speak" -Steven Colbert

"Steve has touched many people, some of them appropriately" -Steven Colbert

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." -Conan O'Brien

Danielle: "Do we have to keep talking about religion? It's Christmas!” From: My So-Called Life

Angela: "She's someone Jordan used to, umm..."
Rayanne: "Yes. Jordan used to umm her."
From: My So-Called Life

“You may be able to control my mind, but you’ll never control…MY ASS!”-The Oblongs

About what happens if you do drugs too often: "By the time you're 25, you're not gonna be able to find your keys, you'll be drooling, and you won't even have keys, because in order to have keys you need a house and a car, and you won't even have those."-Loveline

CALLER: I've gone through a lot of depression. I have a friend that helps me get through it.
ADAM: Is his name Heroin? -Loveline To a 16-year-old female caller who is having a purely sexual relationship with an 18-year-old guy:
ADAM: Where's your dad?
CALLER: He's asleep.
ADAM: In what state? –Loveline

"I know your dad's a world-class A-hole, but that doesn't mean you have to seek out the runner-up in the A-hole competition."-Loveline

"Listen up, fathers: if you want to mistreat your young daughter, congratulations. You'll be seeing her in a porn movie later on."-Loveline

"Fathers: be nice to your daughters, or else later on they'll go out with guys who call them 'skanky bitches.'"-Loveline

To a 16-year-old caller who is pregnant with her second child, married, and having an affair: ADAM: You know the Jerry Springer show?
ADAM: You ever make fun of those people who are on the show?
ADAM: Well, they would make fun of you. —Loveline

Mrs. Lovejoy: Do you think they should be talking about s-e-x in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n?
Krusty: Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down years ago!

"I've been thinking about this: I know I'm a little biased, but I think I'm the greatest person that ever lived." -Conan O'Brien

"Stealing! Bart didn't you learn anything from that guy who gives sermons in church? Captain what's his name? Why do you think we took in all those Police Academy movies, for fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except for at that guy who did sound effects...woooo...Now where was I, oh yeah, stay out of my booze." –Homer. The Simpsons

"Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. 'Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells.' Now let's go back to that... building... thingy... where our beds and TV... is." –Homer, The Simpsons

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." -Homer, The Simpsons

"Mmmm, free goo." -Homer, The Simpsons

"Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad." -Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons

"Stupid babies need the most attention." -Child Welfare Representative, The Simpsons

Kang [running for President]: Abortions for all!
Crowd: Booo!
Kang: Very well, Abortions for none!
Crowd: Booo!
Kang: Abortions for some, miniature American flags for the others!
Crowd: Yay!!-The Simpsons

"Frolicking has never been so depressing."-Crow, MST3

I loved Jordan Catalano so much, and talked about him so much, and thought about him so much, it was like he lived inside me. Like he had taken possession of my soul, or something. And then one day...I just got over him. -My So Called Life

Why is it that when you miss someone so much that you're ready to break down and cry the moment you hear a sad song on the radio? -Pete and Pete

You could say that fame was like a drug. But what was more like a drug, was the drugs...-Homer Simpson

Stewie- yes, I’m just coo coo for crack-Family guy