My favorite quotes

People told me I'd never make it to Normal, well they were wrong. --Bob Dylan to the crowd in Normal, Illinois

"Just say no" prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice day' cures chronic depression.

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

"I'm not cute, dammit. I'm evil. Evil, I say." -Diablo, "Goats" (comic)

Hell, suicide is all wrong. Why kill yourself when there are others that are *so much more deserving*?

.. Your sense of humor called today... it said it misses you.

I seem to remember smiling. --Maya Angelou, I almost remember

If I let go of the feelings which cause me pain, I would have no feelings at all. –Dan Goodman

"I shot myself because I love you / if I loved myself / I'd be shooting you." -- Karen Finley

I don't think you can consider somebody a platonic friend if you repeatedly bring them to orgasm.

"In the 60s people took Acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it look normal." -Damon Albarn

"A girl who actually thinks she is pretty is unbearably vain." -Anastasia P Wong

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind. -T.P.

"Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless" - John Ruskin

Without obsession, life is nothing. --John Waters

"The masses are asses"--Alexander Hamilton

"The hardest battle in life is to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else." -E.E.Cummings

"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth."--Janeane Garofalo

She wouldn't need/ the stale/ Fake/ heat of others/ if only she/ could find/ her own."-Icarus

"Love can't make you strong 'till love has made you weak."-Catie Curtis

You can't stop a teacher when they want to do something. They just do it."-J. D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

"It was against my principles and all, but I was feeling so depressed I didn't even think. That's the whole trouble. When you're feeling very depressed, you can't even think."-J. D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

"...my experience with people who tried to label me was that they usually did it to either dismiss me or use me."-Audre Lorde, Zami: A New Spelling of My Name

"If women knew, if they even had the slightest idea of what men were thinking, they'd never stop slapping us."-Larry Miller

Going crazy/ take a pill/ I'm depressed/ aren't we all/ a little kind/ elf told me/ what to be./ Cutting wrists/ stop the pain/ how ironic/ oxymoron/ civil war and honest lawyers/ fall apart."-Amanda Jones

"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."-Pablo Neruda

"Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it."-William Shakespeare

"From the moment he looked me in my eyes and saw what no one else did, I loved him."

"Revenge is best served cold with a side of sin."-Rynn Fox

"I will not let my dress size determine my self worth."

"Sometimes just looking at [my parents] I wanted to bash their heads with a tire iron. Not to kill them, just to wake them up."-Katherine Dunn

I'd never fallen in love...although I'd stepped in it a few times."-Rita Rudner

If God doesn't like the way I live, let Him tell me, not you

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing there is a field. I'll meet you there."-Rumi

"What good is five minutes of happiness when you're gonna spend the rest of your life crying?"-Tabitha Maler

"I/ I walk down the street./ There is a deep hole in the sidewalk./ I fall in/ I am lost...I am helpless/ It isn't my fault./ It takes forever to find a way out./ II/ I walk down the same street/ There is a deep hole in the sidewalk./ I pretend I don't see it./ I fall in again./ I can't believe I am in the same place./ But it isn't my fault./ It still takes a long time to get out./ III/ I walk down the same street/ There is a deep hole in the sidewalk/ I see it is there./ I still fall in...it's a habit./ My eyes are open/ I know where I am/ It is my fault./ I get out immediately./ IV/ I walk down the/ Same street./ There is a deep hole/ in the sidewalk./ I walk around it./ V/ I walk down another/ Street."
-Portia Nelson, "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"

"'I hurt.'/ 'So what?' said the mother. / 'I grieve.'/ 'Your point?' said the dad./ I tell them all about my pain,/ And how I feel quite sad./ But no one really listens,/ No one really sees,/ No one was really quite prepared,/ Cause it was only me./ 'Oh my heart, my heart!'/ Cries the mother. / 'Oh damn, God Damn!'/ Cries the dad. / As they see my broken body. / They thought depression was a fad."
-Beth Coulter, "Broken Toy"

"Guys are not perfect, but we're simple. If we don't call you back, we really don't like you. If we don't call you back, but do all of a sudden, we want sex."-Chicks Suck Guy

"The way I see it, the men that I'm with, whoever they are, it's like look, you have to accept that I like ice cream, and I know it shows up on my hips but if you can't accept that, then leave. Go away. Toodles. It is non-negotiable."-Tori Amos

"If you really love someone it shouldn't matter what's been in their orifices."

I need to find myself today before I ever find my way back to you.

We like to be disturbed by delight."-Sophia Grojsman

"I too was frightened the first time I felt I hated my father. I felt like a criminal. But could I help it what was inside of me? I had to feel what I felt even if it killed me."-Anzia Yezierska, Bread Givers

Why should we strive, with cynic frown/ to knock their fairy castles down?-Eliza Cook

I always have a quotation for everything -- it saves original thinking.-Dorothy L. Sayers

"The most attractive are not those who allow us to kiss them at once (we soon feel ungrateful) or those who never allow us to kiss them (we soon forget them), but those who coyly lead us between the two extremes."-Alain de Botton

"Quod me nutrit me destruit." (What nourishes me destroys me.)

I've got two x chromosomes and I'm not afraid to use them –Ellen

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."-Katharine Hepburn

Nothing spoils the taste of peanut butter like unrequited love."-Charlie Brown

"You can get around to meaningful conversations more quickly in the dark than with the sun tickling your face."-Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

"A child's kiss is magic. Why else would they be so stingy with them?"-Harvey Fierstein Marion

"I'm too tall to be a girl, I never had enough dresses to be a lady, and I wouldn't call myself a woman. I'm somewhere between a chick and a broad."-Julia Roberts

"I'm a hopeless romantic trapped in a cynic's body."-Ariel Bierbaum

"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you." - Jack Handey

"The insane, on occasion, are not without their charms" - Kurt Vonnegut, The Sirens of Titan

"I'm going to be assertive... if that's okay with you." - Dr. Robert Anthony, Think Again

"Mothers are all slightly insane" - J. D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

"My feeling is that labels are for canned food...I am what I am - - and I know what I am." -Michael Stipe

Cat: We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
Cat: You must be... or you wouldn't have come here.
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

"There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say" - Cyril Connolly

"The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. And there was a knock at the door..." - Anonymous, The World's Shortest Horror Story

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened" - Douglas Adams

Insanity is doing the same thing in the same way and expecting a different outcome." - Chinese Proverb

"I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point." - Calvin and Hobbes

"Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?" - Anonymous

"It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place." - H.L. Mencken

"There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'" - Dave Barry

"See my eyes - are they safe? Are they even sane?" - Tim Rice, Chess

"I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." -Lewis Carroll

1) Children are not pets.
2) The life they actually live and the life you perceive them to be living is not the same life.
3) Don't take what your children do too personally.
4) Don't keep scorecards on them - a short memory is useful.
5) Dirt and mess are a breeding ground for wellbeing.
6) Stay out of their rooms after puberty.
7) Stay out of their friendships and love-life unless invited in.
8) Don't worry that they never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.
9) Learn from them; they have much to teach you.
10) Love them long; let them go early."
- Robert Fulghum, It Was On Fire When I Lay Down On It

"I am the kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy." - J.D. Salinger

"I bet people would like me more if my sense of self-deprecating humor didn't suck so much." - Jenna Morris "People have learned to ignore Web ads that don't move, so lately advertisers are only willing to pay for pop-up ads. Someday, after you learn to ignore pop-up ads too, then the advertisers will have to drive to your house and tattoo ads directly on your body. You'll be nostalgic for the good old days of pop-up ads. Enjoy them while you can." - Scott Adams

"Some people think its holding on that makes one strong, but sometimes it's letting go."

"Pooh sidled up to Piglet from behind.’Pooh,' he whispered.’Yes Piglet?' 'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. 'I just wanted to be sure of you.'"-A. A. Milne

"It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter."--unknown

"Pain is nature's way of saying 'Don't do that stupid.”--unknown

"If two people think exactly alike, one of them is unnecessary."

"If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought."

"I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exaggerating."

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. - The Little Prince

"If you never have you should, these things are fun and fun is good." -Dr. Seuss

"Kiss me and you will see how important I am." -Sylvia Plath

"It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for."

Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday.
(Rule of Weekend Studying)

On one issue, at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women. -H. L. Mencken

For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed. - Clifton Fadiman

The thought of suicide is a great comfort. It's helped me through many a bad night. - Friedrich Nietzsche

"Somebody's boring me; I think it's me."--Dylan Thomas

"Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject."—Unknown

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then - one day - you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe." - Denis Leary

I feel that I need some kind of break from being funny.

"You may forget but let me tell you this: someone in some future time will think of us." --Sappho

I've learned:
-- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
-- that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
-- That it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
-- That you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."

"The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola ---THGTTG-pt.4

...colleges being nothing but grooming schools for the middleclass non-identity which usually finds its perfect expression on the outskirts of the campus in rows of well-to-do houses with lawns and television sets is each living room with everybody looking at the same thing and thinking the same thing at the same time while the Japhies of the world go prowling in the wilderness... - Jack Kerouac

"It takes a unique woman to see me as any sort of catch." -- MOBY

I used to be an atheist, until I realized I was God

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it

I’m going to become rich and famous after I invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet

FOR ALL OF YOU WHO TALK ABOUT ME THANKS FOR MAKING ME THE CENTER OF YOUR WORLD!

What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?

"In a world of cheerios, why not be a fruit loop?"

"Why do we love the ones that hurt us and hurt the ones that love us?"

When all else fails, look cute

I'm not shy; I just don't like you

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once!

SMILE! It scares people...

In some cultures what I do is considered normal

If you’re happy and you know it ...get away from me!

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips

Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

I hate quotations.
---Ralph Waldo Emerson

Trust is like virginity. You lose it once and that's it.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon. ---Anon

Our planet is the mental institution for the universe. ---Goethe

You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid

I'm only wearing black until they make a darker color.

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.--Erica Jong

I don’t look for trouble-I stay still long enough, trouble finds me-Dark Hollow

He isn’t morally bankrupt, just overdrawn-Dark Hollow

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.-jrr tolkien, "fellowship of the ring"

"Once you see her all you want to do is talk to her. Once you talk to her all you want to do is hug her. Once you hug her all you want to do is kiss her. Once you kiss her all you want to do is bone her. Once you bone her you don’t even want to see the bitchs face anymore." –Marbleman

I remember thinking cocaine was subtle until I noticed I'd been awake for three weeks and didn't know any of the naked people passed out around me.-PJ O'Rourke

"People don't realize how much fun it is to be depressed."-Chris Cornell

Organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn that the majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate.

Dashboard Confessional
So Impossible / The Places You Have Come to Fear
The pinnacle of mall emo. Pure evil. The scariest thing about this record is that these are the songs that will be playing when the deflowering of all those 300-pound emo gorilla girls in light blue "princess" t-shirts you see hanging around hot topic happens. Yikes.

I say you get laid, call her up, and tell her every last fucking detail about it

"'It's the quiet ones you've gotta watch.' This sounds to me like a very dangerous assumption. I will bet you anything that while you're watching a quiet one a noisy one will fucking kill you." -George Carlin

"I couldn't run for any office. I think that religion is bad, weed is good, and babies are disgusting; who would vote for me?"-Bill Maher

The other day on the subway I had an epiphany. I hate everyone I don't know. And the people I know? I hate them especially.-lowbrow Go to Lowbrow.com

My boyfriend looks like such a fucking retard when he comes. I love it.-lowbrow Go to Lowbrow.com

"And when she came to me, even the first time, to say she wasn't happy, I told her I wasn't either and that nobody ought to expect to be."-Something Happened, Joseph Heller

"I just don't get it! She seems totally uninterested in me, despite my smothering obsessiveness!" - Nathanial Mayweather

"Anyone can claim they invented the internet. Wanna impress *me*? Show me the guy who invented the vibrator." -Jeff Rabinowitz

Why did God create men? She knew a vibrator couldn't carry out the trash. ---Colloquialism, 1996

"Death tugs at my ear and whispers, ‘Live, for I am coming.'"—Unknown

"Stick me bleed me
don't say you need me
kick me suck me
come on--FUCK ME!"—PIG

"This intoxication thrills me I just pray it is not the end of me."—Unknown

I like it when people have sex with me.

Reality continues to ruin my life. - Calvin

"Well, now that we have met," said the unicorn, "If you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you." - Lewis Carrol

Fuck it. Let's do it.
- Australian Proverb

Don't speak unless you can improve upon the silence - Spanish Proverb

My heart you lifted, my eyes you dried, I'm sorry but I must say good-bye. I cried because my heart was broken, and its still stolen, I'm sorry because now I did the same to you, I hope you found someone who’s true to you.

How to please a Man? Show up naked, bring beer.

I'm just a faded negative of the image I used to be. - Greg Graffin

Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN! - Calvin

What's the point of wearing your lucky rocket ship underpants if no one asks to see 'em? - Calvin

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each others dreams, we can play together all night! - Hobbes, To Calvin

Better be alone than in bad company - Thomas Fuller

If someone betrays you once it is their fault, if someone betrays you twice it is your fault. - Eleanor Roosevelt

All wounds heal. But the scars they leave will last forever.

I never knew I would look back at the laughter and cry

People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is gonna take away all the hurt and all the pain....well I've tried that. I've tried hiding my sorrows, and covering the sadness in my smile... and what I've learned is when it hurts this much inside, your heart always has a way of showing it, no matter how many masks you wear

"One may smile, and smile, and be a villain" - William Shakespeare

You were my favorite mistake

'To let a fool kiss you is stupid; to let a kiss fool you is worse.'

I don't see how anyone could fall in love, people are such jerks.

Sometimes I wonder who he's picturing, when he looks at me and smiles

Love can sometimes be magic, but magic can sometimes be just an illusion.

I wanna be the one you're waiting for...not the one waiting for you.

The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. ---Oscar Wilde

God bless Atheism!

I drink to make other people interesting.--George Jean Nathan

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

Don't judge a man by his boxers, it's what's inside that counts.

To all you virgins out there. Thanks for nothing.

Don't ever tease if you're not willing to please

Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh

"Insert endlessly profound quote here."

Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.

Memorize quotes. They're useful in ending and winning arguments. Then again, so are semi-automatic weapons. --Tony Detharidge

If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught, and then lie.

A really good quote will stick in your head like a dick in your ear.

There are two things I cannot stand: racism and Asians. --Dave Johnson

A good friend will bail you out of jail, but your best friend will be sitting next to you saying "That was fucking awesome!"

All Good Things Must Come To an End

After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing entirely

Life is different, for he who has touched death.

When confronted with two evils; choose the Blonde -Jacob Bradt

What is better: a lie that draws a smile, or a truth that draws a tear?

He who conceals his disease cannot be cured-Ethiopian Proverb

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." --Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Scars are tattoos with better stories

No man is ever worth your tears, and the one who is will never make you cry.

Should I smile because we're friends, or cry because that's all we'll ever be?

If you're really horny, do unto yourself as you would want others to do unto you.

(About Delia's) - "If you imagine what a 9 year old whore would wear...This is it."

"Love is a perky little elf dancing a merry little jig and then, suddenly, he turns on you with a miniature machine gun."-Matt Groening

the way is through pain
don't try it
you'll like it
I don't want you with me
corrupting the silence
see- watch as I cut here- and here
and I’m bleeding
feeling the pain and the burning inside-Laura Demers

Why do you care?
When I picked up the blade,
and made passionate love to it,
and like an impatient virgin,
it made me bleed all over?
Never easy/ Never clean/ to be a beast among human sheep!" -Danzig

Favorite color: I hate colors.
- Ian Shoales

"I say no to drugs, but they don't listen."
- Marilyn Manson, Singer

On a side note, I seem to have finally gotten over my "stupid men" phase. This probably means I’ll go back into my "nun" phase or my "angst" phase or perhaps just stay here stuck in my annoying "quotes" phase. -Kristina Wilson

I gave up sex, alcohol and smoking - it was the worst 15 minutes of my life