Student Eats Pancakes, Crow

In a shocking move that startled several, a freshman at Warrington State attempted to bring positive press to his school by starting a competition. While most others would have tried a fundraising softball game or something of that ilk, this student, who has asked that his name be withheld, took his challenge outside the walls of the school – all the way to the walls of the local IHOP. The actual competition took place earlier this week, and the student asked that this reporter be present to record the events of this momentous occasion. What follows is an actual transcription of what was spoken several nights ago.

Reporter: So what exactly is the nature of your challenge here tonight?

Student: Basically, the manager told me that, if I could eat 50 pancakes in one sitting, I could have them for half price.

Good lord, that's a lot of pancakes. And how exactly does this relate to Warrington State College enough to be appropriate for one of its publications?

Well, in addition to my hope of bringing national media attention to Warrington State through my hopefully record-breaking feat, I was also inspired to undertake this mass pastry consumption by the school itself.

Really? How so?

In my Search class, we studied the Epicurean philosophy, which basically states that people are made up of atoms and a void. After skimming briefly through the text while watching pornography and then later seeing a quote by Epicurus on a Philosophy club flyer, my whole life was changed. I realized that there was a void in my life, too, and that my atoms needed a-pleasin'. So I figured I could kill two birds in the hand with one bush if I filled said void with pancakes. Fifty pancakes, to be more precise.

And what do you hope to accomplish by this particular competition?

I hope that my actions can serve as an example to others that the ultimate good can be reached – it is in our grasp, warm and fluffy and right off the griddle. The world has forgotten the simple innocence of the pancake and the pure ideal that it represents. Take, for example, the fact that there are currently two schools of thought: is the earth round, or is it flat? You can debate this all you want, but no one is ever going to prove either way, and the differences in the two schools will never be reconciled. But the pancake is the happy medium: both round and flat. The unique bonding power of a flapjack is the force that will unite the world. If my actions here tonight can convince even one child to put down his gun and pick up a pancake, I feel it will all have been worth it. Plus, you know, hey, free pancakes.

So why did you choose The Warrington State Gazette as your starting point in your national media blitz? Why not Time or Dateline or even the Commercial Appeal?

I feel that, if I were to begin with such top notch media outlets, the world at large would view my promotion as "hype." Something that was all fluff and no substance.

Like a pancake?

Kind of like a pancake, but without the butter and syrup. I didn't want to play part of the "hype" machine. So I decided to start the "buzz." "Buzz" is positive. It's what the "cool" people follow. The "elite." So I decided to start from a publication with a circulation of approximately 8, and build my way up. Plus, you were the only guy who could give me a ride to IHOP.

All right, that's cool. Hey, we've been here a while. How many pancakes have you eaten?

Umm . . . Six.

Six? That's all? We've been sitting here for an hour, and you've eaten six pancakes?

Well, you have been asking me all these questions, and I don't want to talk with my mouth full. Plus I did have a big breakfast and lunch. And then dinner just before we came.

Why on earth did you eat so much if you knew you were going to have to come here and eat an ungodly amount of pancakes?

I thought I would keep my stomach stretched out. All I had at dinner was some Rat steak and some potatoes and corn and those burgers that aren't quite White Castle, but the fact that they call them "Castle burgers" makes it painfully obvious, and then some tater tots with chili and cheese and – Oh, man, I'll be right back. (He heads to the bathroom.)

Waitress, check, please? Thank you.

(The student returns from the bathroom.) Ah, man, that was awful. There was this guy in there making all sorts of horrible noises in the stall. It was like someone was running a Veg-o-matic in there.

Great. That's disgusting.

Yeah, I know. That guy was me.

All right, I think it's time to go.

What about the rest of my pancakes?

Well, they've already printed the check charging you for six pancakes. They can't just retract the check. I think you've had enough pancakes for tonight.

Dude, I just made room for like 44 more pancakes!

Then use that room to eat some humble pie. Go pay the check.

All right, all right.

So what did the manager say?

He said I don't have to pay for the remaining 44 pancakes they fixed or the horrible damage I did to the bathroom if I wear this sign that says "Quitter" on my forehead for the rest of the month.

Sounds pretty reasonable to me.

Yeah, but now I'm depressed. You wanna go for some tacos?

Go to Anecdotal Evidence  Index