Davis North Got Hot Urine

Autolycus

Freshman "Fairly Certain" He Is Responsible

A recent report from Resident Assistants in Davis North residential hall shows that the majority of complaints from residents are not about noise or space restrictions but instead the variety of odors that fills the halls and stairwells. Reported smells include "rank body odor," "feet," and what can only be described as a "hot urine" smell.

The search for the source of this plethora of offending scents had gone stale until a freshman residing in Davis North, who shall at request remain anonymous, admitted yesterday to being "fairly certain" he is responsible for the smell.

"Well, can you blame me?" the not-so-freshman told the Gazette. "That communal shower only has three settings: way too hot, way too cold, and a rapid fluctuation between the two. Besides, I'm too busy doing important things like writing persuasive essays, debating the meaning of important passages from the Old Testament and getting plastered to bathe."

When asked about the alleged foot odor, the pungent first year said that, "sometimes after you've drunk an entire 1.75 liters of 80 proof Jim Beam Kentucky Straight Sour Mash Bourbon Whiskey and passed out on the floor and you wake up five minutes before Religious Studies 101, you don't have time to change your socks. When you do this for several weeks in a row, once you remove said socks at the end of those weeks, the smell can be, well, a little strong."

No longer willing to allow the student to beat around the proverbial bush, the Gazette finally asked him the question everyone wanted to know: was he the man behind the hot urine smell?

"I will admit that I am fairly certain I am responsible for the B.O. smell and the occasional foot smell," the student said. "But I have nothing to do with that hot urine smell."

Other students on his floor are skeptical.

"You should see that jerk when he's good and fershnickered," said one student from down the hall. "He pees all over the place. One night, he tried to write his name on the side of the building. He's got lousy handwriting when he's drunk, let me tell you. Once, he challenged a group of equally soused Tri Deltas to a peeing-for-distance contest. He lost in the semifinals. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he peed in the vent. Or maybe regularly in the microwave, or...where DOES a hot urine smell come from anyway?"

Until such time as someone of authority is able to determine the source of the wafting fragrance of hot urine, measures have been taken to at least calm the deadly wave of olfactory terror.

"We figure to slightly lower the temperature in Davis North by twenty or so degrees every night," a representative from the Physical Plant said. "That way, we figure, we get best case scenario, a much more desirable `cool urine smell,' or worst case scenario, a `lukewarm urine' smell. We've decided it's a risk we can afford to take."

Davis North Resident Assistants have asked that residents of Davis North no longer send complaints about the foul-smelling aura, as their best efforts are at work. In the meantime, residents are urged that should they see an obese drunkard lumbering through their halls challenging others to various urinating games, contests, or other general festivities, they should swiftly bludgeon him to death with the nearest blunt object.

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