Yossi's Personal Little Mental Asylum

Be As You Are.

 

October 15, 2003- A wrinkle in---

Wednesday - 1:49a.m.
  i seem to have snapped. bam, crazy. quick update of life? ok. i got into UF, started summer B in an un-airconditioned dorm. summer B kinda sucked, classes useless, pretty uneventful. biggest part: brena dumped me, i was/am crushed, and i dunno when i'll fully recover. i was sick for abotu a month and stopped eating basically.

i lost on -campus housing, and lucky for me, ryan needed a roomate, so i'm now in Sun Bay apartments, in a very nice place, and i'm greatful for it, i liek showign it off to people. i hang out with mark whiting alot, and he's the staple, that's abotu it. people? lyra, danielle, haily, britanny. girls girls girls are hell, biggest drive, biggest pain. brena, meredith, courtney, liz, meagan, meg, god life is crazier than me, but not really.

they're nto in order, just as they came to me. well, some sort of order, but not really, dont' be hurt.

classes suck now too, i must be destined to be poor and unhappy. i write alot in my littel journal/ pad thing, and i feel like writing soem things i've written up here:

1) "you would look differetn with your head cut off"
"butter, liek butter"

2) "Box bushes
man's triumph over nature
what will we think of next,

stackable sheep and
vacuum-packaged popularity
just add the lights and
you've got a celebrity

processed people don't stand
out from the pack"

3) "no one else will find this crack in the ground so beautiful"

4) "what has inspired me?
nothing it seems but
my own amusement
a muse? my amusement
it seems.

this piece of litter
could be anyone's.
but now it's everyone's
prostitute, whore
this part of the litter
you didn't need to be the
black sheep, you didn't
have to be the white
sheep either. you could
have been anyone, now you're
no one
now you're everyone's"

5) "sometimes i amaze
myself while i wait.
i'm always inspired in a
wait. what will i
think of next?
i'd bet it will make me smile too."

6) "the complete circle:
a smiel and a frown
irrevocably tied together
now you don't know where one
starts and the other ends."

7)"Oh No problems here
I go away from here
it is per."

i'll post more in some link soon, and when i do, it will go right ...here

 

June 5, 2003- This thing here

Thursday - 1:58a.m.
  i wrote this today, i was told it was good, and in my moment of pride, i've decided to post it right here: smack-dab at the top of my posts. if you liek it, yay, if not, yay. that's just how i am. also check out my rant.. it's one post down, or.. here

and .. the poem:

the world is insane
i say aloud to no one
as i massage my scalp
and listen to Schism

everyone is fallign apart
relationships are shit
everyone is depressed
and i'm observing it

i am alone and still sad
no connections to tie me down
with or without someone else
there is nothing happy around

life is long and bitter
and life is simply too short
never stopping to consider
what it's all about

the ineveitable independence
and the searching and strife
i'm yet to find someone completely happy
without having repressed life

i latch onto those who seem self-actualized
those who appear more real
and i drive them all away
i'll never know what they feel

so i write my dumb thoughts down
for no purpose or real reason
never knowing why i stay alive
and not knowign what i believe in.

life is long and bitter
and life is simply too short
never stopping to consider
what it's all about

life is long and bitter
and life is simply too short
for me to always stop to consider
what it's all about

 

June 3, 2003- Ranting

Monday - sometime a.m.
  just had to throw this (my very first) late night ranting and rambling up here for everyone to read and contemplate.

 

May 29, 2003- Observations

Thursday - 9:15p.m.
  i think i have a horrid personality disorder loop. I'm all deep and thoughtful and sad often, and this attracts certain people. but peopel aren't drawn to me often, so when they are, i get all happy and "cute" and random, and stuff. this seems to drive them all away. i can't be with peopel when i'm fake-hapyp though, because then i feel stupid, and i become a depressed introvert.

maybe i'm good at making friends but not good at keeping them? i don't knwo how that works though, no one ever teches you how to keep friends. and i haven't been able to figure it out myself.

also, it seems that all my friends are girls. this can go one of two ways. 1) my personality just goes better with girls, we can be open and talk without someone feeling homophobic. or 2) we're only friends out of some sort of mutual attraction (which makes me feel bad) because that means i have to choose onyl one, or be a juggler, pimp, whatever. i do believe i could be great friends with many girls at once, if not for our societal standards which everyone has impressed onto their thinking.

no, i'm wrong, i think it's everyoen else. they just don't understand me well enough. i always hear "wise old men" or semi-enlightened people say that they can love everyone. what is wrong with a big heart?...then why don't i have extremely ugly peopel as friends? because they've never opened up to me, and i'm not one to approach people. peopel with really low self-esteem don't go out and socialize.

!!! where did it go? i wrote out a whoel cool thing! and it just disappeared! i hate internet! it drains me! i cant' write in a journal just to have it disappear! no relfection, no retrospection! now i'm gonan go sob, because i can't re-write it all. :(

 

April 6, 2003- Hare Rama

Sunday - 9:12p.m.
  be at peace, don't try to exist to others, and let them discover you.

 

February 13, 2003- Bow to me, become my slave.

Monday - 11:20p.m.
  Look at what i can do! I'm such a dork, there weren't dorks before me.. dorks cower at my the toes of my worn-out Vans, and grovel at my duct-tape-patched backpack. Oh yeah.. you'd better go here, and download my video.. It'll rock your world: It rocked mine.

 

February 13, 2003- Be Here Now.

Thursday - 5:28p.m.
  I'm still alive and kicking (well, swinging now) if anyone cares to check this site... just letting you all know. all you... internet dust mites you.

 

December 19, 2002- hare krishna anyone?.

Thursday - 10:14p.m.
  Yay! well everything is just going so good, i'm not posting often. i guess that's good...

....so i got nothing for channukah from my parents.. except for a single $1 coin.. oh, yay...(not). i was/am really hoping to get this cool thing from IRiver: it's the SlimX (350) that i saw online at Bestbuy. Anyway.. enough cool links to it....

i dunno if i already mentioned it, but: I WAS ACCEPTED TO UF!!!! yeah, that's right.. no probation, no strings, just plain old early decision acceptance. (it was my first choice school, if you didn't know)

finals this week have been a breeze, and i don't even hafta go to school tomorrow! i had that bitch english test monday (i hate you dostoevsky), but then the chem test was quick and painless tuesday, and i showed up halfway through the day. the next day i also showed up really late, just to take my easy american gov't test. and yesterday (no.. it actually was today.. heheh, silly me) i took my EXTREMELY easy math studies test, and left halfway through the day. wow! i'm just soo gloaty it'll make you sick, huh?

going to the beach with brena and her family will be fun (i hope...), and going south to see grandparents and danielle should also be fun (i double-hope). i believe that i really earned this break.. but i wish we hadn't gotten so much HW assigned during it.

oh well, i guess i am boring you a bit by now.. so i'll stop. (after this brief message from my current musical sponsor:)

hare krishna hare krishna, krishna krishna hare hare

hare rama hare rama, rama rama hare hare

 

December 5, 2002- about time, eh?.

Thursday - 9:29p.m.
  I'm better now. YAY! go to zombo, and live by its rules. This is the site for my JV soccer team. I'm busy alot, i hope i make in to UF, i'll know by Dec 15. i understand what's happening in chemistry for the first time in awhile. i'm low on money.. if you wanna give me some, i'll spend it well, i promise. i've gotten 1$ and 2 tiny pieces of chocolate (like to hershey kisses) for channukah so far.. it's the 6th night tonight. i'm kinda bored now. brett is asleep, he's funny even when he sleeps: he keeps randomly twitching. i think that there is a different sort of IQ.. like a personality/IQ thing.. i dunno. alot of people who are very smart are just dumb people with a little more education, or a little more smarts, but i wouldn't consider them smart if i was asked. alot of peopel in IB get good grades, and can score well on tests.. but are actually very dumb. well, not dumb. i think they are just.. closer relations to more primitive animals. they work on simple emotions, ideas, and plans. they have standards, and rules, and they all follow them without questions like a blind flock of birds.just turen on the Tv and you'll see it. quality programming is rare.. even simpsons make me feel "blah..." i'm just not excited about things as much as i should.. or at least was. and people who do get excited are below me. weird.

 

November 24, 2002- you can all just go now.

Sunday - 9:29p.m.
  I think i know why i am the way i am now. simply, because so many people annoy me. i figure that, since i hate superficial crap, and i hate anythign done for shock-culture or attention, i dislike most people. when i act annoying or stupid, i'm just tryign to piss off or get back at someone that i dislike, or i try to give them a fake security in being the smart mature one.

hell, i know that most of you will hrug this off as rationalization, but why not rationalize it? i could dispute that i am only the sum and product of my history, so why not blame everything on a past event?

i was watchign tv, and i realized that it doesn't make me happy at all, it's like an imac, or the new VW beetle... it tries to hard to be entertaining, and that ruins it for me.

i dislike: secrecy, lies, insincerity, going behind people's backs, southpark, jackass, tom green, fake smiles, rudeness, team spirit, rap music, fake love, and songs about it, shallow people, smart people who waste it, dumb people who accept it, drugs of any sort, shock value, extremeists, sluts, jerks, people who cuss alot, greedy people, people who hurt the environment, people full of hate, cocky masses, exclusion, bad/corny poetry or art, people who are too high, or too low, (i could go much longer)

i like: random hugs, smiles, genuine laughter, the middle path, listening to classical, to crickets, to wildly runnign water, true emotions are good, juicy-juice, cereal with chocolate milk, warm and fuzzy things, tough pants, running, rock climbing, disco balls, the smell of my pillow, driving my car late at night, seeing plays, the recent movies: "ice age" and "office space", banana chocolate chunk icecream, warm toes, the curves of a girl(sexy hips), sleep, hare krishna food, things that are good and reliable will always have points with me, (once again, i could go on for awhile)

thanks, i feel a little better now. i'm glad i finished with things that make me happy, not the ones that make me sad.

 

November 21, 2002- speak up, will ya?.

Thursday - 10:48p.m.
  We one our JV game 3-1, which sucks.. becuase it should have been 10-0. i hope varsity loses their game, i'm sorry to those of you on varsity who are nice, and who i strongly appreciate (i hope you know who you are).

wanna say anything? dislike me and want to let me know? feel like telling me how nice i am, and try and get me out of this slump? well you can tell me by clicking here. Oh, yeah.. and if you want to tell me something, be honest about it, and tell me. i can take anythign you can dish out, so bring it on.

 

 

November 20, 2002- No pity please.

Wednesday - 11:59p.m.
  So, yeah, alot has happened, I've been really far up, but now i'm crashing down, and i may take a few with me into hell. the reason i'm finally posting is because i treat this as a journal, and when i'm doing good, i don't feel like wasting my good life to write here. however, i feel i have some bitchign to do, and i honestly don't care if anyone reads this ever.

where should i start? i guess school is a good spot. right now, after switching into a different english class (can anyone say missed commentary, or how about... never even heard about it until due date.) as a side note: i believe that if peopel liked me more, someone would have taken the time out of their busy lives to think about me and maybe think that i would like to know about this commentary... i guess not. "math studies" is a joke, i sit, and stare at the vacant desk in front of me, and never pay attention or take notes, but regularly get A's on the tests, and finish my HW in class. Chemistry is kicking my ass. after an F (59... give me a break mrs. chris) first semester, i dunno if i'm doing any better now, but i do think it's gonan hurt my college apllication if it's not gettign better. i understand most of it, but there a few key things that i'm missing, i don't even know what i don't know until i see a problem that i can't answer on a test. journalism? a joke.. but no fun anymore either, the freshmen were nice, but now it all seems like a big smiley fascade. they wanna hang out with me until i want to hang out with them, then they leave... how shallow and pathtic people are. economics... when did he grow a pineapple in his ass? he used to be a cool hippy, now he's just a grumpy old man desperately tryign to stay "cool".

soccer! lets see.. my grandpa died! (we all miss you very much Grampa "Bye, Cheerio!"

look, i know i missed half the tryouts, so you didn't want me on varsity to start, but be honest if i have a chance of moving up. you aren't worth the stress, money, and time in my life if there really isn't a a shot of me making the team. seriously, after missing all the varsity practices since you plopped me into JV, will i ever really get to play now? now that everyone else is bondign and getting better? and i'm forced to stagnate with people at a lower level than me?

AND FINALLY, the best for last, the piece which is a big part of all the above problems, but i've neglected to mention. YOU ALL ARE... ARG.. I WANNA SAY "BASTARDS" BUT I FEEL IT DOESN'T ENCOMPASS HOW A FEEL! i hate sooo many of you at school right now, you can't imagine. (for the very few of you who geniunely have stuck by me, i love you so much for it i can't express it.) but you others.. how can you get off with such bullshit? did i really do somethign this horrible? i know i cn be a little annoying, but i'm loyal, honest, and if told to shut-up i will. hell i never ever associate with most of you, why do you dislike me so much? rumours? stories from others? you judge and classify me before we've even met. you're sick. school people makign fun of me? not helping me out with soccer? flat-out trying to keep me in the dark of everything? be glad that i'm an anti-violent person.

all the old posts are moved to here.(soon at least.) I've got more to say.. but i see no point anymore. bye