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By Craven Moorehead
MIHOP Daily News Staff Writer
Saturday, December 28, 2002

(Montclair, VA) The Model International House of Pancakes was struck by scandal today, when the Model International House of Pancakes Un-American Activities Committee announced that it had opened investigations into three of its own members, after allegations surfaced that three members of the organization had patronized Waffle House. A high-ranking source within Waffle House reported seeing a “tall-lurchy fellow, about six-foot infinity,” believed to be Secretary of State Evan McMahan, and a pair of “dorks,” believed to be Secretary Pro Tempore Dan Cullen, and Music Director Nate Miller. This source claims they entered the establishment at about 11 o’clock at night on December 23rd, and again on the 26th, proceeded to order, and commented on how much cleaner Waffle House was, how much better the food and service were, and how great a value it was. They then paid their bill, tipping a mere 5%, and sped off in an unmarked Dodge Intrepid. The first member of the Executive Committee to issue a statement was Secretary of Syrup’s Matt Davis, long seen as the second-banana to Ambassador to Belgian Waffles Donald Brownlee, who said “I think the problem here is poor leadership. When we have sheep straying from the flock like this we have to wonder why the shepherd is not stopping it. If I were Ambassador to Belgian Waffles, nothing like this would have happened.”

Secretary Cullen was the only of the three available for comment, saying “These allegations are completely ludicrous, and part of a broad right-wing conspiracy launched by Chairman Hulsey. I believe that the hearings will not only serve to clear my name, but further prove my loyalty to the International House of Pancakes.” Though Secretary McMahan refused to comment, a source within his office has said that McMahan is beginning a movement within the Executive Committee to have Chairman Hulsey removed from his office, and possibly the organization. Ambassador to Belgian Waffles Donald Brownlee said “I was disappointed to hear these allegations; Secretaries McMahan and Cullen and Director Miller have been very loyal to the Model International House of Pancakes and I have the utmost confidence that they will be cleared of all charges by the MIHOPUAC.” When asked about the groundswell against Chairman Hulsey, he said only “I have the utmost confidence in Chairman Hulsey; he has always been very loyal to the Model International House of Pancakes. I have little doubt that these allegations of impropriety and political motives will be soon forgotten, however it is crucial for all members of the organization to feel that justice is being served, and it is the responsibility of the Executive Committee to investigate all reported wrong-doings.” Chairman Hulsey was unavailable for comment because he was “with” committee intern Flavia Garcia (biblically speaking), however, his Chief of Staff said that hearings will most likely begin after the first of the year.

The Committee on Pancakepaganda was quick to leap into action, disseminating misinformation, including pictures of Britney Spears going down on Chairman Costlow, which seem to serve no purpose whatsoever, other than showing Britney Spears going down on Chairman Costlow. Co-Chairman Kudla was unavailable for comment, because he was “with” Garcia (biblically), allegedly simultaneously with Hulsey. The final member of the Executive Committee, Secretary of Lunch and Dinner Rebecca Morrison was also unavailable for comment, because she was researching her heritage in Bumfucksville, Alabama. Other people are neither cool enough, nor important enough to be interviewed for this story. LOSERS!