Well, joyness!
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: The Scientist by Coldplay
I feel bad about what I do with Maddie. I like it, but then afterward I feel really weird and whorish. I don't know why it's so wrong. After last night, Maddie called me and told me that he and Sarah had talked about abortions and stuff. Now I am afraid that if I accidentally go too far then he will leave me. I cried myself to sleep last night after making a bracelet around my wrist with a needle and sticking 56 pins in my arm. The slight pain made it feel better, but all the crying did was make my head hurt. I talked to Jess about Maddie and she made me feel better. I'm glad that she didn't notice that I was crying or the red bumps on my arms. Now I'm really scared because I am probably going to see Maddie on Friday. I have to find some way to hide the marks so that he won't see them or feel them. It would kill me inside if he found out. I suppose I better wrap this up and smile pretty because I have to go shopping, which I guess I don't mind. I have to finish getting Maddie's Christmas present. I already gave him a crunch bar and a card. I have a ring that I want to propose with, but I am afraid that he will say no. I guess all I'm truly afraid of is that I will be left all alone and then my life will go down hill. Personally, I don't want to start doing drugs or any of that. I don't want to get to the point of where I'm so far gone that I give up and kill myself. I don't fear death, but there are much better ways to die. In my mind, suicide is not the answer. Well, I must go now.
-end

P.S. Confiding in the internet... who knew it could be so effective?