It's happening again...
Mood:  down
Topic: What I fear
What I feel right now is basically the same way that I felt when I was writing my previous entry on this blog, except now it's more intense. I talked with Maddie last night for maybe 2 hours or more. I cried probably 3 times, though he only knows of one for sure. I cry a lot when I talk to him, but it all depends on the day. I can't help but fear that he is going to leave me soon. I think that if I propose it will scare him away, but I think he wants to get married so I don't know what I'm worried about.
I feel that our relationship will be the same as the past relationships that I have been in. We say we like/love each other for a couple months, maybe 3 or 4. Then after that, it all goes down hill and there's no more love. We may still say we love each other, but it's hard to tell if that's what the other person is feeling. With Bruce, when it had come down to the point of breaking up, he actually told me that he wasn't sure if I was still in to him so he wasn't going to break up with me even though he didn't like me any more. He was ready and willing to lie to me if it meant keeping me happy for a little while. Thanks, but no thanks. It's the worst when a guy lies. After a guy lies, and you figure it out, it seems like he's always lying even when he's not. Sometimes I wonder if Maddie is telling me the truth or not, especially when he tells me he loves me. I get so worried that one day I'm going to say "I love you" and all I'm going to hear back is "Okay, bye" or "Oh, ya... Well, I don't love you anymore, so...." or, worst of all, dead silence.
I hope that things won't turn out this way with Maddie. But how far has hope gotten me over the years? Let's see, shall we recap? I have been lied to (countless times), cheated on, taken advantage of, and I have hurt myself to feel better after being upset over another person. Did I leave anything out? Well, gee I hope not. Boy, am I glad I'm still a virgin! Somehow, being a mother doesn't exactly sound appetizing.
All in all, I really want things to be good between Maddie and me. I miss him soooo much right now. I wish he could come over today, but we have to go clean Steph's house because she's pregnant and a completely incapable slob. I can't wait to clean her house when I could be proposing to my beloved. Joyous!! Oh, so joyous!!! Anyway... I shall be going now. I have to say, doing some nude yoga really helped with the stress. Come to think of it, maybe the stress is why I'm breaking out... Hopefully not because there may be a lot more where that came from. Well, goodbye.
-end