Ed proclaims, "I'm so hungry I could eat my own head," then proceeds to do so!

According to bystanders, the restaurant was busy on the day of the incident, and the waitress was taking her good-old time getting to his table when Ed was overheard making the comment that he was so hungry he could eat his own head. Fidgeting with his silverware, he began drooling a bit, then started nibbling at his lower lip. Soon, to the shock of the other patrons, he'd eaten half of his face off! He continued to gnaw away at his noggin until there was nothing left but a nub. When asked how he liked it, from out of his neckhole Ed said, "It was tasty, but a li'l dry...I should have had the lasagna!"

Ed admits: "Okay, so I dated Bigfoot!"

"Yeah, we did the wild thing...Back in my bar-hopping days I did a lot of stuff I'm not proud of," said Ed DeVore, "How many of you guys out there have found yourselves waking up in the morning next to a monster that looked good to you the night before when you were in a drunken stupor?" He went on to say that following their initial encounter, he tried to see past her appearance and get to know the inner Sasquatch, thinking that once she was split off from the herd she'd change her ways. According to Ed, things were pretty hairy in their relationship for awhile. Though she was careful to cover her tracks, following widespread reports of her being spotted in the woods with other primates, Ed decided to break up with her. Concerning rumors that he'd fathered her love-child, Ed said, "I offered to marry her and make an honest Yeti out of her if she'd let me have genetic testing done on her pup to determine paternity and species. She just growled at me, gave me seven different reasons why she wouldn't submit to it, and stomped off...What would YOU think?!?" Authorized to speak on his behalf, when asked about the situation Ed's lawyer stated, "It took half of our consultation time for him to get it through to me that rather than trying to avoid rights and responsibilities toward the kid (so to speak), he was seeking them out. Once we got that part established, I made it clear to him that if she came after him for support he could demand the genetic testing and expect compliance. If HE approached the judge to ask for the testing, however, the court would take that as an admission of responsibility, and say, 'Why bother with the testing?' They would assume his culpability, she'd be released back into the wild with a check in her paw, and he still wouldn't know for sure that he was paying for his own progeny. It doesn't seem fair, but that's how the judicial system is set up now-a-days." Ever elusive, Bigfoot was unavailable for comment.

Ed DeVore takes dump in the shape of Usama bin Laden

When asked about this miraculous apparition, Ed said, "I don't know why I looked down just before I flushed (morbid curiosity, I guess), but there it was, plain as day! I think it's a sign of some sort, though I can't say what it means. I saw a bagel that looked like Mother Teresa once, but I think this has that beat by a mile...What can I say, this is one talented sphincter I have here!"

Entire contents copyright© 2002 by Ed DeVore

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