first day of the week uggg.. its the hardest
well its monday again.... and not the greatest day so far... wet and shit... lovely.... will there be work not quite sure... so weekend wasent nothing to exciting... got away from town that was cool i guess.... seen a couple of friends i havent seen in awhile... and their new addition... and they are having another one... that is awsome... gawd everyone is having babys... making me jelous :(...oh well...so i keep meeting people... but nothing compares to one certain one i met years go.... i was searching and searching... and new just from a picture what she was from me.....i will never meet anyone who compares well that is how i am feeing right now... gawd this feeling is eating me up completely... makes me loose my mind somedays :(....no one will ever understand it i dont think and well i dont expect anyone to.....ok lets get off this topic....my agenda.... meeting toninght... work tomoorrw night.. meeting wed... free thurs and fri is the kick off for habitat... will be interesting... and then buddy had a thingy going on cause he is gettin married...and then the big build on sat... fun fun.....2 weeks eh heh....i think it will work.... so its 6 am and i should scram.. get ready for another slugging day on a roof.... fun fun... NOT.... well just havta say your in my thoughts every day... just wish they would go away... or if something good will happen cause of it...so siging off... still confused about others... but still walking the line.
Ry

i have this hole in my heart and i know what will fill it :(
so another weekend... wow... fri sucked... :(.... gawd.... is this feeling i been having torture for something i did in another life or something ... man.... i have never felt this way before... even this time last year :(.... i cant get past it.... all i know is i miss someone like fricken mad... and well... as anyone would say i would do anything .... i mean ANYTHING :S... unfortunately none of this makes a fucken difference cause well really i have no idea why :S... wasent really left with an answer... just left.... this is worse than before... i just cant walk with out stumbling thinking of her or seeing her or anything else.... why oh why ... why cant it be easier on the one who is left than the one who leaves just isnt right really :(... and for it to happen a second time around... and happen online... wow.... :(.... guess i am just stupid as she said.... cause i cant think of anything to say i hate that bitch..... i HATE what she did..... but cant hate her... but still prob never be able to face her :S......grrrrrrrrr... well i must try and carry on... even though there is something missing :(.....
chow

When I first saw you...
I was afraid to meet you...
When I first met you...
I was afraid to kiss you...
When I first kissed you...
I was afraid to love you...
But now that I love you...
I'm afraid to loose you...

So much for that quote eh :S..... well sat morning... last night was a bore... didnt do a dam thing... oh yea one... got the motor in the convertable... one good thing happened this month :S.... and now i have to head west to do up a job so i can get the dam bay truck on the road.... well imust run so i can get it done
Chow
Ry

friday yay :S
well its been one of those dam weeks... cant wait till the weekend .. but now its here.. :(.... the feelings are back dammit.. fuck i just wish i could shake these dam things its gettin hard on my head.... come home have that feeling of anxious to be with someone.. then bam... oh yea no one is there :(.... time i guess just time.... :S... but i do have to say my door is always open.... things wont ever change with me.... but i do hate these feelings..... well i must go out and do something with the truck if i plan on having it on the road next month.....
chow
Ry

thoughts for today
well lets see.. thinkin thinkin thinkin... its all i do lately... not much else gong on in my life.... though about this movie i seen last year... and then watched it with a certain someone.... yea yea its just a movie... but i wonder if that is a story that could really happen.... man i thought i was going threw that same ole shit :S.. fucked up it was.... but i guess a happy ending life just dosent happen these days... to much bull shit clouds shit up and makes ya run.... and act weird... just makes a person think is all... sureal what a word that is.... :|... aw well... baby barn build went good... sold lots...lots more to be sold... met some great people.... had fun with my group building the barn... keeping the police acadamy guys away from the cute girl was a chore.. but hey we got the barn built and had fun and made friends :)... what else... never been out in s side for awhile yet.. i wonder.... dont know if i am ready to yet or not... AGAIN... i hate repeating things over again... my life that is.... good band this weekend but not sure if i will risk going... maybe maybe not.... obviously things that were said to me were nothing but bull shit so dont know what to believe any more :S.... bla bla im just blabbin here... a way to relieve some pressure and horseshit.. well lets see... work eat sleep.. wake up work eat sleep... oh joy oh bliss... so been thinking... i want to start going somewhere... but not sure where.... ill find a way there some how somewhere.
sometime.. for now ill just think... so workin on the truck still makin some progress... cab and box are almost done.... now just drop in motor... hook it all back up... put on fenders and hood work on that and then blast the paint...check breaks over... do rearend... and poof.... on the road.. dam i miss drivin that truck... maybe just maybe sometime in july but i arent holding my breath since the habitat house is startin u soon.. and ill be busy as hell with that... weekends anyway.. but its all good :).. i feel GREAT doing that stuff ... its awsome :D.... well i must scram... do laundry and what ever i need to do and hit the sack alone again :(...
cheers for now
Ry

yay friday
hummmm friday again... and well im dead fucken tired... but my dam mind is racin like a manic on speed drivin down the highway doing 200 miles an hour... dammm i gota get away and do something quick.... what is new with me... lets see... workin in the heat kills me i hate the heat..... what else.... picked up my tickets for the festival a few weeks ago... if no one else goes im going it alone fuck it.... hummmm me truck is trashed again.. dammit... fucken bay truck..... need new computer for the friggen thing now... what else... oh yea makin progress on the convertable though.. if i can only get more ambition to get at it... but never know might have it on the road by july if things start going my way.... bills are startin to suck... even though i arent drinkin much right now... nothing near as much at this time last year :S.... some people know why.... what else... figured this might have been the year to get hitched.... even though some fucked up things happened in the past 14 months :|:| guess nothing of that sort is gong to even remotely happen :S....look at me im a dumb ass for fallin for shit....well habitat is keepin me sane ... bonus... meetin some great people cause of it..and i will miss it when its over for another year....oh well.... baby barn build tomorrow... house started to build on the 18... of this month.. build a house in 2 weeks with volunteers... now this is going to be interesting..... but exciting at the same time... wow... hummm what else.... i feel as if anyone i know is slipping threw my fingers again :S... cant hold on to anyone these days... what is up with that :S.... yup still livin in the house along.. and HATING it....gawd i need some time away ..... yea yea i sound bitter.. just long week.. even longer year.. and shit gong threw my head.... bills... issues.... women... not good combo...but i am still alive and healthy one good thing i can thank god for i guess :S.... so i must run.. find something to eat and maybe something to do... chow for now..
ME

let see its monday :)
ok its monday... nice day .. WOW.... got me back burnt first day this year with out a shirt ;)... hehe... anyways what shal i bitch about today lol... women haha.... hummmm.. what is it i am looking for... well.... an honest woman... and one that can handle honesty... that is easy isnt it.... what else... someone who says what they mean... and dosent say stuff to make them look good... ya know... 2 faced people...hummm someone who can laugh ... at anything... say fuck it all..... someone who can take a joke... who isnt serious all the time... someone who is willing to work on things and not run out when it gets a little rough.. gawd i look at my folks... going on 40 years married... and no one got killed yet.... what is up with all the dam divorces these days... people just cant settle down with one person any more.. they gota go out and screw everything that comes along... really though what is up... i like someone who will look at me and when i say your beautiful... they believe it.... and someone who knows the meaning of TRUE LOVE.... that i think is impossiable... cause if ya really truely loved someone with all your heart... everything else looks petty because what does a person want more than to be happy being with someone right... if your healty ... got food... got roof over head...what else is needed...what is there that both people NEED... it usually comes down to one person if there are huge problems...that is what i believe... but enough of that bull shit... dosent matter really cause i been hurt enough... ill walk alone do as i wish cause maybe some day... not holding my breath but just maybe i might find someone who wants to walk with me and enjoy the company instead of needing me to fall back.. yes i will be there for anyone i know.. i always have been and always will be... but i am me... i do what i can with the people i know... the best i can... there isnt any more i can do really ... EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT in their own way... i found this out last year and i continue finding it out... i will just keep trying to meet some new people...friends aquitances or what ever but dont hate me for being me... cause i will do anything for you... just wish some people know how i feel about things is all... walk in my shoes... grow up in a family that we hardly did shit together... hardly got along... and now i live all by my self in a big house... now isnt that depressing... but i try to deal the best i can... that is why i became a member of the Habitat for Humanity group in Prince County... its AWSOME... meet some great people.. have fun... and do something that is great to do.. HELP PEOPLE :)... isnt that what i am at fault for doing always wanting to help... .now people ask me what i think and what should be done :).... its great.. i get respect... and it shows me ways of makin my self better... thanks to all the people i met... and to the people i will meet.... :).
cheers
Ryan

man oh man
well shit... something has to fucken give here.. im startin to sound like a basket case.... that is ok isnt it.... :S... well lets see.... my thoughts..... be aware of any women... especially ones who like to fuck with your emoitions cause their afraid them selves.... committment... marrage... settling down... who knows.. no one will ever.. but i am very cautious now... have to be... cant go threw shit i have in the past any more.... if i hear...you and change in the same phrase ... she is gone cant deal with me.. u know where the fucken door is.. cause when ya finally calm down... ill be there... no matter....my 2 cents... so on another note... got me tickets... and its going to be awsome... booked rooms at the cockroach motel... that place wont know what hits em... but who will i invite down... soon that will be the only weekend i am free till the mid of july... habitat is takin up alot of my time lately.... but its awsome... love to do that full time... but money is an issue right...so what else.. nice day....good food..... roof over my head... oh yea.. nice house... all alone in it... grrrrrrrrr fuck i hate this shit..would rather live in a dam apt building really at least see some real people around :S.... gota do something about that... maybe a roomate.... drug dealer... hhaaha.. lots of company then lmfao....joking.... but roomate would be good.... "the one" would be better :)... but that isnt going to happen.... me got this wall up now....and lost respect for my self in a weird way.... nothing to loose.... any of this make sence.... prob not but that is me... dont try to figure me out... just remember... do good to be ill do good even more... cross my path and turn your back... better start watchin your back..... its only fair... i cant be fake like others i have met... i am true to me and to others... if u want to hear from other what you want to hear... ask someone else... cause no lies and bull shit comes outa this mouth.... when i say something i mean it.... and one thing "love"....I lost the meaning of that so dont expect to hear it any time soon.... the shit eh.... well i must run.. work on the truck... makin good progress... hopefully soon ill be cruising around with the top on... tunes cranked and enjoying the day.... been years that can say i enjoy a day to my self... was to committed to with someone.... this is a huge step back for me.... prob trip the odd time but ill keep trying.... all i can do eh... or break.... so here i go
Ryan .... oppertunities are around every corner take a peek I always do ;)

Its show time :D hahaha
Mood:  a-ok
Well lets see.. its thursday... im about to leave for work soon.. so not much time.... what happened lately....oh yea GOT TO BE ON BREAKFAST TELIVISION hehehe... that was sooooo fun.... cant wait to do it again :P..... met some great people.... jim... mazsda i believe is how ya spell it... mario... peggy mike.. and oh i forget the other guy.. john maybe.... from South Shore group.... so yea we build a baby barn... 2 fricken hours it took... awsome... got to be in front of the camera for a bit..... to cool... nervous... not likely.. maybe i was suposed to do that shit hahaha... one never knows eh... so i am really discovering.. that i love doing this stuff.. workin with people.. helping out... what does this mean... should i pursue something in that field... "teacher"... "assistant"..."organizer"... what.... is something going to point me in the right direction... hope so soon...something has to give.... and oh yea my so called "love" life...screw it...i am just going to go with it.... stop thinkin about the stupid things i did in the past... cause been having more people tell me lately how good a person and great i am that i am going to go with that one ;).... "The Bachelor".. hahah... a lady said i should be on there .... toooooooo funny.... oh well... maybe have a S Side "The Bachelor"... hehehe.. maybe run that by peggy... well i must run... off to work again today prob gettin wet by the sounds of the weather... and tomorrow :S... crap... short week.. small pay ...what can ya do...keep your stick on the ice and shoot for the right net LMFAO... ok gettin delierous time to go... bye to anyone who actually reads this... no comments come on folks lmfao

Chow for now
RYAN (aka BT STAR).... BLAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

last day for HFH training :(
Mood:  cheeky
well it was the last day for habitat for humanity training course we put on... it was soo much fun :)... i really enjoyed doing that stuff..... makes me think is this something i should be doing as a full time thing.. teash or helping people ..... what is it... where is my life going..... everyday i learn something... from others.... from my self...weird things is i keep thinkin of these different things to do :|... scarrrrrry.....church.... ha... who wants to take me into one to make sure i dont get killed haha....go helps someone with kids... now that just sounds interesting... dammit.. im gettin old.....time is a tickin by... just lookin for someone who is going to take me for me and stop worryin about so much bs... funny thing happened tonight... one of the ladies said i should be on the bachlor that tv show hahah... to funny.... gota show something if someone who dosent know me says that :P..... just guess a person dosent have a switch to flip to change faces.... but more so a dimmer to turn it down hehe.... anyways i met a few pretty cool people lately and going to meet more.... headin over to Halifax to be on Breakfast Television how cool is that ... first time on tv... for some crazy reason im half excited :).... to cool.... well i must sign off.....cheers to ya all and god bless :)...
Ryan