hump day
well lets see... i wake up... and THINK..... dammit..
so i though alot as i always say .... think think think... and i am starting to hate someone.... im a good fucken person...... i was accused of being dissrespectiful once.... bull fucken shit i say... go out with friends when your gone away is OK... havent met anyone yet that finds it offensive.... but.... go to the bar and basically get ditched by your gf... now WTF is up with that... that is ignorance i say..... i tried... TWICE... with nothing good come out of it :(.... fuck....what is a guy to do..... is it a woman nature to just lie and fuck with a guys head or what.... come back bawling and shit....were those sympathy tears or truely honest feelings tears.... that is the worst dam part of it....talk about kids and shit... livin together again... and poof... gone.....i think she has the major issues.... oh yea no stress... bs.... and the whole single mother and shit... pfffffft... like i am going to stand by and let her struggle with shit.. now fuck comeon.... always helped out always did :S... to what help did it to me... sweet fuck all....guess i should just start saying fuckem all....really dont know who i can trust any more :S.... when a miricle happens as it did in jan 2005 and then everything gets flushed down the toilette right when u thought u were on top of the world together....what the fuck do ya do :S....yea earlly morning... 5:45.... maybe a bit tired and cranky... but this is how i am feeling today.. might change might not.....but i know im a good person...... ALOT better and nicer than this time last year... if people cant see it or maybe they dont want to.... there isnt anything i can do ..... not going to beg and plead for acceptance... cause that just dosent work sociably...... how ever ya spell that.. dont have time to check it...but strange fucken thing is.. i know where my heart is... and i hate it....cant do anything fucken about it....
signing out a little aggravated
ME

Habitat night again
Mood:  smelly
well another night at habitat training.. and i am starting to relize something about my self... im a good person... and i have LOTS of patience... if your a trained professional and can teach someone who has no idea what they are doing... and not loose your steam ya gota be a darn strong person.... dam wish the hell other people could see that in me :S.... certain people just dont seam to want to give me the chance.... i can be a great friend.... bf... and well hope at sometime in my life maybe a husband to the "right" one..... what ever that means :S...i had a great time tonight teachin all those folks :).. its great... but there is still a thing that is eating me at the back of my mind ... wish i could shake it.... time i guess just time... as last time :S.....but still so darn hard to do.... well i must take off for now.. starting to almost burn out from work and stuff so time to head to bed.. alone again "sign"... to only be with her again :S... "sign".
night all
Ryan

yaa yaa dam day off :S...
Mood:  don't ask
so yea... a friggen day off that was totally unexpected... not impressed but what can ya do when your in construction and the client cant make up their minds right.. oh well got lots of running around to do.... sooooo how can a song effect a person so dam much :S... that is twice i had to shut off the radio cause Lifehouse's song came on :(...YOU AND ME.... wow... very hard to understand that one... sorta like some john mayer songs... stll cant even hear those... brings back to much :S... is this really fricken normal :S....man..... starting to think not... signs i say signs.... cause..well i think if it wasent.... nothing would effect a person... really....as lots of people know i have a pretty tough skin.. but there are just things that can break a person... i wont go into details but it really mess's with a persons mind :|....bla bla bla... gota stop this horse shit blabbing on... but hey it seams to be working ... gettin things out... just thinkin typing... and so on... well i must go ... run around get shit done... lots to do :S.... chow for now.....
Ryan

wow monday again
Mood:  not sure
well lets see what have i accomplished... is that spelled right who cares ya know what i mean... so i thought ALOT lately.... have found out that i am a good person.... yes everyone has faults im no better than the next person.... but really i dont understand how someone can look a person in the face tell them how they feel... shed a tear and well... take it all back :S... just puzzles me... is it the spring fever... is there something like that happening... like new flowers blooming.. so why not have a new beginning.. to the summer... really what is it... i dont understand it really.... CONFUSED.... i do everything i can in my power to make things good... but its never good enough... i dont understand :S......well tonight im off to another Habitat meeting ... funny this crazy thing is helping me out alot....and i like it :).... just wish i had someone i could hold and talk to at nights.. or even call on the phone.... is that to much to ask.. i think not... really i have never asked for anything .... just like to have someone by my side is all... oh well... i guess hoping to hear a phone ring and have a certain someone on the other end say lets try it again is something i can only dream about.... dreams are just thoughts that drive a person mad...right... oh well guess ill just keep a bit of hope like i always did.... no matter what happened... strange things already happened in my life... who knows... maybe something strange might happen again... for the good and perminant....
signing out
Ryan

man i gota get outa this rut
Mood:  hug me
Well another day another night...raining at that :(... so i thought ALOT lately... and i think i found out alot about my self..... i can go threw ALOT of shit and it dosent get to me.... am i a bad person for being able to ride the bumpy roads or is that a fault... i dont think ... is it....i can hit a bump and keep going.. one of those things in life called a problem... i deal with it the way i can and move on... its down the road behind me time to look ahead... is that wrong :S....someone what is your idea of it....im honest... if i say i love you i mean it.. if i say something bothers me i mean it.. nothing changes not even a stupid fight....i care about every i have ever met and i will continue to care about them even if i dont stay in contact with these people...i mean what i say and i back it up... yea yea im not the best person to lean on BUT i am learning.... need people to lean on to learn how to be a person that can be leaned on right....guess its time to try and find a new circle of friends some new people to walk the road of life with... make new adventures and memories...i know where my heart sits... and there isnt a darn thing i can do about it really... try to keep calm and carry on....well enough blabin on about this shit.. if it make sence so be it if it dosent :S.... best i can do is say.... wanna talk about it....
chow for now
Ryan

another lonely sat night :(
Mood:  down
yea yea so ... i been a bit down lately... but how the hell can a person but not feel this way.... :S.... ever have that feeling that another person give you and u dont even know it till they are gone... like givin u the ambition to get up in the morning.... the drive to do things to make it better...the feeling of being able to say i love you.... man... its horiable to loose all those feelings in the blink of an eye... very scary really..... how can ONE person have such an influence on another and not even know it... or not even know how much they do mean to another.... fucked up i say.... its like ya breath something of them by just being in the same room... how messed up....people say move on... but how...like really... when ever since, a certain day, of a look across a room it seamed right.... why is it that a path goes one way then all of a sudden there is a road block...is it a learning place in time... or is it a sign....like can someone tell me... others can see the good in things.... why cant we see them all....is there a reason behind this mystery... or is it just misery that a person is suposed to go threw in their life.... is it a passing moment.... really though....so many unanswered questions... so many unresolved issues...but really... are these issues that much of a big thing that it comes inbetween people as it does unconditional is that in the dictionary... its in mine ... guess that is irrivelent... just makes a person wonder.... what is... "true"... what is .... "love"...... what are they together.... is this just a game we are forced to play... even though its nothing a person wants to play cause there isnt anything to win at the end.... or is that it, Competition that makes winners and looser in this game :S...and we dont even know it... ok back to what people want.... what is it.. :S... i know what i want its not that much.... i have lots to offer... i do....:S.... i have changed i will change and i am changin every day.... guess some dont see it... but i do... is that the main thing .... hummmm....im turnin 29 this year... and what do i have to show :S... not a dam thing...not where i want to be...but lord knows what i do want ... i just wish i could show how i feel inside to people on the out side :S... might actually prove something.... but when a person is a certain way for so long its a hard thing to do... but it is something that will happen... i do have faith in my self for this i see it everyday... just wish it could happen sooner than later... for the sake of...that stupid game we play... its just all a dam game... and wish someone would write down the rules and pass it around.. would make it more fair dont ya think.... man am i ever rambling on about nuttin.... just guess i had lots on my mind... hopefuly it dosent sound to messed up.... or someone can make sence out of it......so i should sign out for now.... enough said :S..... maybe some one who reads this will understand... it just dosent matter what anyone else says i know where my heart is...and where it fits... no one can take that away from me...
so this is me
signing out for now
Ryan

lots had happened
Mood:  sad
well been awhile since I posted anything 3 months.. where do I start... ok well.... me and amber got back together.man was I ever happy :)... always was really.... we both missed each other it was so clear we should be together..I also got to spend some time with her daughter whom I still loved and is just the most adorable little girl she has no idea how I feel about her.me and amber, we talked alot.. did lots of stuff together... for just being back together that is.... and well... like any relationship had our bickerings... normal.. but not as bad as before I don't think :)... I have changed alot... I try to listen and be concerning but guess I'm just not good enough at it :(.... so we did alot of talking resolved some issues but not enough :(... dam pringles and pizza just wont be the same no more :S..so just like anyone who knows me I loved her with all my heart like no one else.. always did and well to be honest always will :S... just nothing more I can do..... I have done alot of thinking realizing alot... but I guess time just isn't good enough and isnt on my side so today she came out and told me she cant be with me :(..... it hurts cause she was in my thoughts everyday.... about everything... guess I was just a fucken fool to think that we were doing great together but she didn't see any of it :(.... fuck I am stupid.....every day I still feel I will die a single man :(..... yea yea your thinking I just saying that cause she left me... but no I always think it :(.... she completed me fully... no one has ever put me in my place and made me see it like she does...er did but none the less I will keep trying to look towards the future to make new friends and who knows what will happen..... just wish I had amber by my side to walk threw this crazy thing called life together cause I don't know if I would want it any other way.... I would walk 1000 miles just to hear her say I love u again, but I cant force someone to love me :(...I guess i will just have to try and suppress all my thought about future with her and her daughter cause it will just do me no more good :(....I am not worthy....a home with love and kids to fill it is all a person needs really :(..... man hard to believe that is something so hard to attain yea yea... I should stop blabbing but I'll just have to put something down so I can look back at it and well either laugh or realize who knows.....just want to say from that night at that house I first seen ya...... it was love... :(... always there never lost never will.....just want to say I Love You amber till what is after this crazy thing called life, if you happen to come across this

Let See what good has happened lately
Mood:  happy
well lets see... bunch of good stuff happened lately.... where do i start... didnt go out this weeekend really..... good i guess.. went to the cottage and got a bunch done.. not all but a bunch...... and well..... talked to some great people lately..... resolved some issues... and things are great....... baby steps is how its described :)... but all good and today got new plugs and wires on the truck... wow... brand new truck... but still i hate the dam paint lol... bay truck it is.... what else... hummmmm.... another day is over for winter and one day closer to spring... and only 85 days till our dominican trip..... :D.. that is good..... so yea guess this week has been realy good.... i smiled alot which is a change for me for so long.... but its good....
well
chow for now
Ryan

wednesday eh :P...
Mood:  a-ok
well lets see..... wed night... movie... humm.... OK what happened reciently... oh yea i was sick as hell last week :(... had the shits :P.. yea yea to much info... didn't do nothing all weekend i mean NOTHING.... well watched a movie with a friend on Sunday night.. that was really nice :).... what else... oh yea Monday got the truck registered finally... now... see how it works... worked fine the past 3 days... cross your fingers.... still want my baby back on the road... not the convertible though... the shaggin waggin... so yea ... was late this morning cause i had the shits again :(.... very bad to :| was almost going to go to the doctors... dint feel like eating... just drinking Gatorade and eatin what i can right now :S... hopefully it wont come again tomorrow :S.... what else.... oh yea katie had her thingy today.... i pray to god it went with sucess.... i imagine it did.... if not she is to stubborn to let it take her down :P.... love ya katie :)...... I'm here for ya..... what else :S>.. guess that is about it.... time to sign out and check out whats on the boob tube... maybe watch a movie i rented the other night... maybe...
cheers for now
Ryan

howdy
Mood:  hug me
so here i sit... sick :(... but other than that i am in not to bad of a mood.... met a few cool people lately.... and planning on doing something this weekend i hope:)..... always great to meet some new people to hang around with still dont have my truck on the road only thing left is to register it then ill be good to go till something else happens.... so x mas wasent to bad really now that i have thought about it sober hahahha... new years was pretty good with my extended family the macdonalds.... u guys are the best ... any who... i must go get something to eat so i can beat this cold.... chow for now..
laterz