Trixie Speed Diva!
Humble Beginnings
Trixie Speed Diva was born North of Dewdney*. She was so north of Dewdney that she needed to gas up the truck and pack a lunch just to visit south of Dewdney.
Trixie grew up on the farm, developing a taste for big slabs of beef and breaking
sweaty wild stallions. She also liked eating meat and riding horses.
Trixie devoted her life to the betterment of others. She was voted Christian Leader of the Year four years in a row, but faded from the spotlight after a tragic barn fire while rehearsing her "flaming hoop" dance routine for the talent competition of the 4H Rodeo Queen Pageant.
Trixie discovered her super-powers in her late teens. She first used
her "absorber" power accidentally while competing in the North Fordbattle
Regional Professional Rodeo. Trixie was left stunned and speechless as
she absorbed 600 pound champion riding bull, Pickles, before the
eight seconds was up.
Trixie decided that such a gift should be shared with as many men -- oh, I mean 'people' -- as possible, for the good of mankind. So she packed up her five championship bull-riding belt buckles into the back of her fuschia double-extended wide-cab four-by-four and headed south to Regina.
Babe in the City
Trixie moved to a quiet little duplex in the north-east side, within easy walking distance of a Tacotime and the local redneck bar, "The Oil Pump". She started spreading fabulousness by hosting sex-toy parties in her kitchen, and performing Dixie Chicks tunes at the local club. It was there that she met super-fabulous Iona.
Iona was blessed with the awesome penetrator power, making the two super-fabulous super-heroes a perfect team. They soon added Undetermined Fat Queen (hey, everything fabulous comes in packs of three -- Ho-ho's, peanut-butter cups, "angels", etc.). U.F.Q. didn't have a super-power, but she was great at cleaning wigs, so Trixie and Iona welcomed her with open arms.
And thus, the Speed Divas were created, and the story begins...
------------------------
* In Regina, "North of Dewdney" refers to a magical realm where time seems
to have stopped in the late-eighties. Acid-wash is still in, and women
still believe that bangs were meant to be feathered back or pushed up
into a satellite-dish-like crest above the forehead. Standard dress North
of Dewdney is an "AC/DC" t-shirt (or "Vixen" for the ladies), a black
leather jacket and a black leather purse festively decorated with fringe
and a purple rabbit's foot keychain (holding the keys to your black trans
am with a gold eagle stencilled on the hood). Very few fabulous people
claim to be descended from North of Dewdney -- Trixie being one of the
rare examples.
Iona Speed Diva!
Iona... she's fat
Iona was born in a little town called Croak. She was a shy and soft-spoken
child, forever buried in her books or creating a new dance routine. She
was a heavy child, voted "Most Likely to Still Be Fat in Ten Years"
in her high school yearbook. At the tender age of eighteen, she joined
SaskExcess, a travelling variety show featuring sequinned costumes
and group choreography. There she learned contort her body in thousands
of positions to the beat of 60's music. Her high energy routines, acrobatics,
and her performances at SaskExcess helped Iona lose her extra pounds
and drop to a weight just over Trixie's.
One day, while rehearsing the "double toe over the shoulder lift and
throw with a two cheek landing" for her "Best of Elvis, But He's
Dead, Dontchya Know" show, Iona awoke her superpower, the penetrator.
Iona blew a hole through the set, showing the front six rows in shreds
of blue suede and confused background dancers. Devastated, Iona left SaskExcess,
only returning intermittently to boink any new chorusmembers.
But Iona still needed an outlet for her art. So she found the Club, where
she performed Destiny's Spawn numbers under the bright Saturday
night disco lights. It was there that she met Trixie, and the Speed
Divas were created.
Undetermined Fat Queen!
An Enigma Wrapped in a Mystery...
a Whole Lotta Mystery
No one knows exactly where the U.F.Q. came from. U.F.Q. is good at washing
wigs, but her true super-power is still unknown.
Raisin Queen
With her Dark Rum of Unfabulousness, Raisin Queen spreads evil
from her lair, the Big Onion. Raisin believes that she is the sketchiest
person in the world, and will fight for that title.
Raisin Queen wields the dreaded Dark Rum of Unfabulousness and
she can teleport in a puff of smoke.
She was absorbed by Trixie after unsuccessfully trying to reclaim the
title of "sketchiest of them all", and then released when Trixie absorbed too much evil for her own good. Raisin's current whereabouts are unknown, but she was kind of a lame evil-doer, and we may never see her puckered puss again.
Boom Boom Laroooo
Boom Boom is an aspiring actress who fought Trixie for the part of the
new Sue Ellen in the remake of Dallas. Her superpower is
the almighty Bitchslap. Unfortunately, it proved no match for Trixie
Speed Diva, and Boom Boom was absorbed.
Boom Boom has escaped, but again, laaaaaaame evil-doer. Say goodbye, Mary. You'll never see Boom Boom again.
Shooter Boy
A young man imbued with the amazing power to serve shooters, Shooter
Boy helped the Speed Divas defeat the Nipple-Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls
and their boss, Nana Kaholic. Trixie and Shooter Boy are the only superheroes
known to wield the awesome Absorber power.
Shooter Boy is the Diva's spy, and sometimes dons the sunglasses and facial hair of his alter-ego, Hooter Boy (Hetero Hero).
The Nipple-Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls
Identical twins always seen only in silhouette, the Nipple-Ridin' Naked
Mudflap Girls are a double threat with the powers of teleportation
and unfabulous mind control. While these powers make them quite
formidable opponents, they have an acute weakness for improperly mixed
shooters.
The Nipple-Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls are still at large.
And did I mention that they're kinda lame too? Yah, I would be surprised if we ever saw them again. I mean, their weakness is booze, and we're pitting them against a Shooter Boy with a fully-loaded tray of shots, and Trixie, fully-loaded with gin?
Nana Kaholic
Nana was Trixie's classmate from preschool to high school. Trixie's constant
taunts and jests eventually forced Nana to turn to alcohol for support.
Nana eventually turned her life around through the AATA (Alcoholics
Against Trixie Anonymous), and became the power behind the Nipple
Ridin' Naked Mudflap Girls. Nana's superpower is the alcohol-burning Ray
of Sobriety.
Nana was absorbed by the combined power of Trixie and Shooter Boy, but eventually escaped, and formed the Union of Nasty Freaks And Bitches (UNFAB) with Anna Steezya and Feria Pomade.
Boris TaTeerz
Equipped with needle-like fingers full of anesthetic, Boris causes his
victims to fall asleep. Boris teamed up with Anna Steezya to break up
the Speed Divas so he could hire UFQ as his domestic help.
Boris starved to death after being locked in a closet by UFQ.
Anna Steezya
Anna's blind hatred of the Speed Divas led her to team up with Boris
TaTeerz and eventually break up the our super-drag trio. Anna's condescending
attitude was what made UFQ snap and return to the Trixie and Iona. Anna's
superpower is the unique ability to cause boredom and eventually unconsciousness
by constantly relating stories about herself.
Anna was defeated in combat with UFQ, but eventually teamed up with Nana Kaholic and Feria Pomade to form the Union of Nasty Freaks And Bitches (UNFAB) under the leadership of (C)Harley.
Whoo-John Van Der Klod Dammit
Whoo-John met Iona while she took a breather from helping Trixie
on the set of Dallas. A whirlwind romance ensued, resulting in
their marriage and inevitable divorce. All the while maintaining
his heterosexuality, Whoo-John found a fulfilling career in gay porn.
With the money he made, he returned to stardom by buying out all film
companies, tv networks, and music studios. Whoo-John was defeated by a
bunch of bananas hurled by Iona. He has returned to gay porn and is no
longer an entertainment magnate.
Toy Betz
Toy was the bartender at the Pains Bar and Brunch.
He served booze.
He was overcome by the Starborg coffee company.
He was summarily soaked
in gin and set ablaze.
Hotsta Trotsky
Hotsta was Whoo-John's super-strong mail-order bride from Russia. She died
tragically after falling eighty stories out of Whoo-John's office
window to the street below. Although never formally charged, Iona's story
about accidentally hurling a dining room set at Hotsta was initially believed
by the judge. Only after an hour-long session in the judges private
chambers did Iona convince him that she was innocent of all charges.
Feria Pomade
Feria owns a wig shop in the sketchy east end of Regina. She kidnapped
UFQ and chained her to a wig-washing sink. Forced to spend all day washing
wigs without a break, UFQ shed her hundreds of unwanted pounds
and was barely recognizable when Trixie and Iona came to save her. After
a brief brawl in the shop's back room, Feria was absorbed by Trixie.
Feria escaped, and with Nana Kaholic and Anna Steezya, formed the Union of Nasty Freaks And Bitches (UNFAB) under the watchful guidance of (C)Harley.
Pixie Trans Am
The evil side of Trixie, Pixie took over when Trixie had absorbed waaay
too much evil for even her superbody to take. Pixie manifested the powers
of all the evil supervillains that Trixie had absorbed. Pixie was only
defeated when all the evil superpowers were messily expelled. The newly-freed
evil regrouped to form the axis of evil known as UNFAB.
U.N.F.A.B.
The Union of Nasty Freaks and Bitches is the super-unfabulous anti-heroes
and rivals of the Speed Divas. UNFAB consists of Trixie's nemesis, Nana
Kaholic, the stronger-than-Iona Feria Pomade, and the annoying, UFQ-sized Anna Steezya.
They were formed by the mysterious (C)Harley, a man of dark, unknown powers
and motivations.
Tess T. Bitch
Shooter Boy's ex-wife, Tess disrupted UFQ's wedding to reclaim Shooter Boy. Other than a daring corset-and-fishnets ensemble, Tess' superpowers include wings (no, she can't fly) and a mysterious ability to animate belts to do her bidding. |