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Funny Quotes
Mark Twain
Albert Einstein
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
- Francis Bacon
It is impossible to love and to be wise.
- Francis Bacon
Natural abilities are like natural plants, that need pruning by study; and studies themselves do give forth directions too much at large, except they be bounded in by experience.
- Francis Bacon
It is good to be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations.
- Walter Bagehot
Be careful what you set your heart upon - for it will surely be yours.
- James Baldwin
Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart; for his purity, by definition, is unassailable.
- James Baldwin
The future is like heaven - everyone exalts it, but no one wants to go there now.
- James Baldwin
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
- Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
- Tallulah Bankhead
I'll come up and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me.
- Tallulah Bankhead
God has been replaced, as he has all over the West, with respectability and air conditioning.
- Imamu Amiri Baraka
Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.
- Clive Barnes
Whatever you do, do it with all your might. Work at it, early and late, in season and out of season, not leaving a stone unturned, and never deferring for a single hour that which can be done just as well as now.
- P.T. Barnum
Work is either fun or drudgery. It depends on your attitude. I like fun.
- Colleen C. Barrett
Always be a little kinder than necessary.
- James M. Barrie
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
- Dave Barry
Strength is a matter of the made-up mind.
- John Beecher
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
- Brendan Behan
The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and somebody to love you.
- Brendan Behan
That some good can be derived from every event is a better proposition than that everything happens for the best, which it assuredly does not.
- James K. Beibleman
When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
- Alexander Graham Bell
Boy, I'm going to - in my own stupid way - save the world today.
- Carol Bellamy, on goals
Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile... initially scared me to death.
- Betty Bender
Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously. If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of all aspects of your life. You can find the freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself.
- Robert F. Bennett
The most dangerous leadership myth is that leaders are born-that there is a genetic factor to leadership. This myth asserts that people simply either have certain charismatic qualities or not. That's nonsense; in fact, the opposite is true. Leaders are made rather than born.
Failing organizations are usually over-managed and under-led.
- Warren G. Bennis
You never saw a fish on the wall with its mouth shut.
- Sally Berger
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)
Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.
- Henri Bergson
Life is 10% what you make it, and 90% how you take it.
- Irving Berlin
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
- Hector Berlioz
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
- Yogi Berra
Baseball is 90 percent mental and the other half is physical.
- Yogi Berra
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.
- Yogi Berra
You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra
We made too many wrong mistakes.
- Yogi Berra
We have deep depth.
- Yogi Berra
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
- Yogi Berra
Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Yogi Berra
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
The covers of this book are too far apart.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
- Ambrose Bierce
Reason often makes mistakes, but conscience never does.
- Josh Billings
One reason I don't drink is I want to know when I'm having a good time.
- Avery Bishop
On the edge of destiny, you must test your strength.
- Billy Bishop
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.
- Otto von Bismarck
Universal suffrage is the government of a house by its nursery.
- Otto von Bismarck
When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
- Otto von Bismarck
The key to successful leadership today is influence, not authority.
- Kenneth Blanchard
There has been in recent years excessive emphasis on a citizen's rights and inadequate stress put upon his duties and responsibilities.
- Paxton Blair
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
- Block's Murphy's Law
The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important.
- Milo Bloom
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
- Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
- Niels Bohr
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field.
- Niels Bohr
There are two kinds of truths: small truth and great truth. You can recognize a small truth because its opposite is a falsehood. The opposite of a great truth is another great truth.
- Niels Bohr
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
- Derek Bok
If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.
- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, stop thinking and go in.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
A man will fight harder for his interests than for his rights.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
A leader is a dealer in hope.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children.
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer
The need to be right all the time is the biggest bar to new ideas. It is better to have enough ideas for some of them to be wrong than to be always right by having no ideas at all.
- Edward de Bono
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
- James H. Boren
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
- Victor Borge
Nothing is built on stone; all is built on sand, but we must build as if the sand were stone.
- Jorge Luis Borges
There are two ways of meeting difficulties. You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself to meet them.
- Phyliss Bottome
Good government generally begins in the family, and if the moral character of a people once degenerate, their political character must soon follow.
- Elias Boudinot
It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.
- Alec Bourne
You can't try to do things; you simply must do them.
- Ray Bradbury
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. If we continue to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant may prove to be our executioner.
- General Omar Bradley
I value a friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.
- Robert Brault
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
- Wernher Von Braun (1912-1977)
Make peace with the knowledge that you can't have everything you want. Why? Because it's more important for us to get everything we need.
- Sarah Ban Breathnach
Grub first, then ethics.
- Bertolt Brecht
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men! Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for power equal to your tasks.
- Phillips Brooks
Those who have easy, cheerful attitudes tend to be happier than those with less pleasant temperaments, regardless of money, making it, or success.
- Dr. Joyce Brothers
No science is immune to the infection of politics and the corruption of power.
- Jacob Bronowski
A person who has not done half his day's work by 10:00 runs a chance of leaving the other half undone.
- Emily Bronte
Act as if it were impossible to fail.
- Dorothea Broude
Education makes people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern, but impossible to enslave.
- Henry Brougham
A new idea is delicate. It can be killed by a sneer or a yawn; it can be stabbed to death by a joke or worried to death by a frown on the right person's brow.
- Charles Brower
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown
The next time you face a customer who has every right to be upset, say something like this: 'I don't blame you for feeling as you do. If I were you, I'd feel exactly the same way. What would you like for me to do?' These are magical, healing words, and you'll be surprised at how reasonable people become when they believe you are on their side.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
If you are angry, why not try this. Write a letter. Pour out all of your feelings, describe your anger and disappointment. Don't hold anything back. Then put the letter in a drawer. After two days, take it out and read it. Do you still want to send it? I've found that anger and pie crusts soften after two days.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
When you are angry or frustrated, what comes out? Whatever it is, it's a good indication of what you're made of.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
When you have nothing important or interesting to say, don't let anyone persuade you to say it.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Find a job you like and you add five days to every week.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Be smarter than other people, just don't tell them so.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
You either make dust or eat dust.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars.
- Les Brown
I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.
- Marsha Brown
One must fight for a life of action, not reaction.
- Rita Mae Brown
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
- Sam Brown
Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.
- Mathew Browne
The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear and get a record of successful experiences behind you.
- William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
- William Jennings Bryan
Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
- William Jennings Bryan
As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children.
- Anita Bryant
If anything goes bad, I did it. If anything goes semi-good, we did it. If anything goes really good, then you did it. That's all it takes to get people to win football games for you.
- Paul Bear Bryant
I worship the quicksand he walks in.
- Art Buchwald
The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible, and achieve it, generation after generation.
- Pearl S. Buck
Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.
- William F. Buckley
We love your adherence to democratic principles.
- William F. Buckley
I mean to live my life an obedient man, but obedient to God, subservient to the wisdom of my ancestors; never to the authority of political truths arrived at yesterday at the voting booth.
- William F. Buckley
The academic community has in it the biggest concentration of alarmists, cranks and extremists this side of the giggle house.
- William F. Buckley
There is an inverse relationship between reliance on the state and self-reliance.
- William F. Buckley
Before you kill something make sure you have something better to replace it with; something better than political opportunist slamming hate horse shit in the public park.
- Charles Bukowski
I don't feel good.
- The last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926)
Good order is the foundation of all things.
- Edmund Burke
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make yourself a happier and more productive person.
- Dr. David M. Burns
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
- George Burns
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
- Nicholas Murray Butler
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
- Samuel Butler
The man who lets himself be bored is even more contemptible than the bore.
- Samuel Butler
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
- Samuel Butler
One was never married, and that's his hell; another is, and that's his plague.
- Robert Burton
You will never find time for anything. If you want time you must make it.
- Charles Buxton
Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves.
- Lord Byron