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Funny Quotes
Mark Twain
Albert Einstein
The most important thing about goals is having one.
- Geoffrey F. Abert
Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
- Lord Acton
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
- Douglas Adams
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Adams
No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
- Henry B. Adams
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
- Henry B. Adams.
Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.
- John Quincy Adams
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
- Scott Adams, creator of "Dilbert"
I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles.
- Scott Adams
I consider an human soul without education like marble in the quarry, which shows none of its inherent beauties till the skill of the polisher fetches out the colours, makes the surface shine, and discovers every ornamental cloud, spot and vein that runs through the body of it.
- Joseph Addison
In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that He did not also limit his stupidity.
- Konrad Adenauer
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
- Alfred Adler
A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety.
- Aesop
Be content with your lot; one cannot be first in everything.
- Aesop
We would often be sorry if our wishes were gratified.
- Aesop
Set your expectations high; find men and women whose integrity and values you respect; get their agreement on a course of action; and give them your ultimate trust.
- John Akers
The paper burns, but the words fly away.
- Ben Joseph Akiba
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright
If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.
- M.H. Alderson
Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.
- Muhammad Ali
I have said I am the greatest. Ain't nobody ever heard me say I was the smartest.
- Muhammad Ali
Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But, if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, then you haven't really learned anything.
- Muhammad Ali
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- Fred Allen
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
- Fred Allen
Leisure time is that five or six hours when you sleep at night.
- George Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- Woody Allen
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
- Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
- Woody Allen
Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.
- Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
- Woody Allen
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
- Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
Doing easily what others find difficult is talent; doing what is impossible for talent is genius.
- Henri-Frederic Amiel
I've never been one to hope that Elvis is still hanging around somewhere, but I will probably always expect to see Andy [Kaufman] reappear some day.
- Laurie Anderson
If everything's under control, you're going too slow.
- Mario Andretti
It is only in the giving of oneself to others that we truly live.
- Ethel Percy Andrus
Most plain girls are virtuos because of the scarcity to be otherwise.
- Maya Angelou
Slaying the dragon of delay is no sport for the short-winded.
- Anon
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
- Antoine de St. Exupery
Women like silent men. They think they're listening.
- Marcel Archard
We make war that we may live in peace.
- Aristotle
What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
- Aristotle
Wit is educated insolence.
- Aristotle
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
- Aristotle
The gods too are fond of a joke.
- Aristotle
Anyone can become angry--that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way; this is not easy. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
- Aristotle
You cannot get ahead while you are getting even.
- Dick Armey
That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
- Neil Armstrong, upon stepping on the Moon
If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right.
- Marykay Ash
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can. All of them make me laugh.
- W.H. Auden
Give me chastity and give me continence, but do not give it yet.
- Saint Augustine (354-430)
We ought to do good to others as simply as a horse runs, or a bee makes honey, or a vine bears grapes season after season without thinking of the grapes it has borne.
- Marcus Aurelius