I first see Todd leaning against the window, gazing over the vast city. The lights, I think, sort of hypnotize him; he doesn't notice my presence for the longest time. I don't mind, it gives me time to witness him at his tamest.
I finally step forward and approach him, but I don't get a chance to snap him from his reverie. He hears my foot as it connects with the creaky part of the floor and he turns toward me with the kind of alert fear that you see in the wilderness…and in children who have been abused. My heart breaks a little; I know this is something he will always have to deal with. "Sorry," I say, "I didn't mean to frighten you."
"You didn't."
I give him a weak smile that doesn't quite make it to my eyes. "Listen, Rachel's kinda in a bad way, so, I need to be there for her."
"I'll wait."
I don't want him to leave, but I can't have him stay here. I won't be able to give Rachel my full attention and she won't be able to concentrate knowing he's just a room away. "It's okay."
"No, I don't mind, really."
I see from the look in his eyes, he is afraid to be alone. I think maybe "afraid" is too strong of a word, but it's the only one that comes to mind. See, if I'm not there, he'll have to think about the things he doesn't have, like his family, but when I'm around, I'm his distraction.
I am torn between him and Rachel, just like the proverbial monkey in the middle. I can be honest with myself and say that I want to be with him; there's no doubt about that. I know a lot about Todd, probably everything there is to know and one thing is for sure, the man is a survivor. He has been to hell and back while doused in gasoline, yet he has survived. So, I don't worry as much about him, Rachel is a different story.
Where Todd is all strength and instinct, Rachel is common sense and heart. No matter what, he will be okay because he has what guts, but Rachel, she has the tendency to crumble beneath too much pressure. It is those differences that lead me to choose Rachel over Todd.
"What is it Delgado?"
I take a deep breath before I speak. Once I feel the air leaving my lungs and my shoulders dropping as the weight of the stress is lifted, I tell him, "Todd, I really need to be there for her. There are some things-"
"What things?" he interrupts.
"Things I can't tell you about, but things she has to know."
He snatches his jacket from the chair and storms toward the door. I close my eyes and my shoulders lurch toward my earlobe; I can't bear to see him leave. I have to chuckle at the bitter irony, just a few weeks ago, all I wanted was for him to leave my life and now, I can't bear to see him leave.
I turn my attention toward Rachel because I know Todd and I, we're going to be okay; we're always okay. No matter what storms we face individually or as a couple, things always seem to work out; it's like we're bound together by an unbreakable rubber band, snapping toward each other just when it seems we have nothing left to give.
I shake off the feeling that something is wrong, attributing it to the loneliness I feel whenever Todd and I are apart. I open Rachel's door and see her lying face down on her bed, not really crying, just sort of suspended in a pensive state. How I remember that time when I regularly found myself in the exact same position, though not pensive, more like dying a slow, emotional death.
"Rach," I whisper, not wanting to startle her, "he's gone." I hear nothing but the sound of her ragged breathing and stifled sobs. "It's okay, Rachel."
"Tell me Tea," she says, talking into the pillow so that I had to really work to hear what she said. "Tell me everything you know."
I now know I made a mistake in keeping this from her; I thought it was the best thing I could do for her but I was so very wrong. I look her in the eyes as I begin; I want her to see the truth in them. "Jared and I grew up together, but not in the same neighborhood. His father was a prominent attorney in the city and his mother was a writer, so they had a lot of money. Do you want the long version or the short one?"
"Whichever version you want to tell me, but I want all the vital details."
I elect to give her the short version; there's no need to prolong this agony of speaking of the unspeakable any longer than necessary. "Okay, so, we didn't get along from the very beginning. He kept asking me out and I kept turning him down. It finally got to the point where he would follow me around. Eventually, he turned his attentions to someone else, and did the same thing to her. I guess the only difference is she went out with him and I didn't. She tried to end it he literally fought with her and ended up killing her."
"What?!"
I know she's wondering how I could keep such an important thing from her, but she has to understand, there were things beyond my control. There were threats and I needed a scholarship to make it through. I had to look out for me and I don't think that's wrong. "I couldn't tell you because of a confidentiality agreement I signed-"
"What was in it for you, Tea?"
Am I that transparent? Have I not grown a bit since those days when I would've given anything to get a free education? There was something in it for me; my reputation for one, but more importantly, a blank check for the college of my choosing. All I had to do was promise to keep my mouth shut, no matter how it ate away at me at night like an uncontrollable, soul-eating bacteria.
"Huh, Tea? I mean, I know there must've been something in there for you."
"A free college education," I spit, ashamed at the mere sound of those words. I realize then that I have sold my soul to the devil more than once and my disease is my retribution. I fall heavily onto the bed, so full of self loathing that I thought Todd and I had somehow switched bodies.
She shakes her head at me, like I've become a stranger that she doesn't even want to know. She thinks I am no better than Jared, and maybe I'm not, but I never meant to hurt her; I would never do that. I wait for her to say something, she merely takes deep breaths and stares at the stranger whose house she occupies.
She says nothing, so I begin to ramble. "You don't understand what I was going through. I wanted to go to college so badly and there's no guarantee I would've been able to go any other way-"
"Tea, you were a straight 'A' student, you could've written your own ticket."
"Probably, but if nothing came through then this was the only way. So, I kept quiet; the girl wasn't going to press charges anyway, so I did it, okay? I did it and I can't take it back now."
"But I don't understand the bitterness between the two of you."
"He wanted me and I refused, it's as simple as that." I lean forward, placing my elbows on my thighs and I tell her the best part. "He did not go unpunished, Rachel, I couldn't let that happen."
"What'd you do?"
"I released some information that ruined his reputation. He found out about it and vowed to get revenge on me. That's the short version."
I search her eyes, but they're so much more difficult to read than Todd's. With him, I can always tell what he's thinking, it's like we're different parts of the same whole. It's an understanding that people work their whole lives to attain. Rachel is so different; where Todd is completely upfront, she keeps her thoughts close to the vest, afraid of hurting someone's feelings.
"Say something," I encourage, hating the silence between us.
"What do you expect me to say?" I can't figure out her tone; she's not quite angry, but not quite forgiving either. "I understand why you did what you did when you were younger, but you're an attorney, a damn good one, you could've told me before I got so deeply involved with this man."
"It was a lifetime agreement."
"And you chose this moment to violate it?"
"I am trusting you with this information."
"Well, you should've trusted me before."
I know she is right, but I also know, as a woman who has been in love with a difficult man whom no one liked, she wouldn't have listened. She had to learn for herself; I hate that but, in my heart, I think I did the right thing. Once she has time to think about everything, I'm sure she will feel differently. Right now, as I look at her and the eerie calm that has now morphed into blazing anger; I know I need to walk away.
Without a goodbye, I leave the room, closing the door quietly behind me. I lean against the door, feeling the stress all through my body that this conversation brought on. I knew this would end badly, but I had to do it, I HAD TO DO IT.
And here I go again. The room is spinning, as it always does, right before my legs buckle and darkness surrounds me. I'm getting used to this now and I guess I accept it as part of my life now. Before it can take over my body, I rush to my bedroom, close to door and just as I get to my bed, I feel myself falling. My hands try to grasp the bed, but the comforter slips through my fingers and I hit the ground.
*****
Several minutes pass before I awaken. Immediately, I bring my hands to my head, where I touch a dry, sticky substance. My eyes dart around the room; I cannot focus on anything. I try to pull myself up, but the dizziness forces me back to the floor.
"Oh, God," I say, more afraid then I think I've ever been in my life. I lift my hand back to my head, touching what I am sure is blood and I let my fingers roam around, just to feel the diameter.
It has to be about five or six inches, I'm sure of it. I wish I wasn't alone right now. I wish the phone was closer. I wish someone gave a damn.
I give up on trying rise and I crawl, I fucking crawl to my bathroom. Like some sort of invalid, on my hands and knees, I turn on the bathtub faucet and let the water run over my head. The water in the tub is not clear, it's pink and the pink keeps coming and coming. And then my salty tears follow, into that same tub and I do nothing to stop them.
