I don't know how long I've been lying here, draped over the tub as if I'm a carelessly discarded bath rug. I hate feeling this way and my medication, while it seems to work some of the time, does absolutely nothing at others. I lift my lifeless body from this uncomfortable position, my arms asleep and my legs throbbing.
I look at myself in the mirror, really look at myself and see the story of my last few months written boldly across my face. There are valleys and canyons where none used to exist. My whites of my eyes are no longer white, they are now slightly yellow; this is something caused by my medication.
I study myself for the longest time, never realizing until now how vain I am. All my life people have told me that I'm pretty or beautiful and I've fed off that. Where I am considered inferior in so many areas, I have always been able to compete with the best of them in the looks department. Now that they're slowly leaving me, I feel as though I've somehow lost something. I can't really describe it any deeper than to say a major part of me is failing, right along with my body and mind. I wonder if my spirit is next and if that is gone, will there be any use for me at all?
I can't look at this strange creature standing before me with my eyes, so I quickly wash my face, brush my teeth and get out of there. I immediately glance at my clock; it is now just after midnight and I'm not the least bit tired. Instead of going to sleep, I decide to work because that's what I do better than anyone.
I have three more days of preparation to go. Viki has run exactly two articles about Derek; both of them were extremely well received. I now know I did the right thing; public sympathy is definitely shifting in our favor. I know exactly what Jared's strategy is; he wants to get a change of venue. The jury pool, he will say, is tainted. I will argue that the media has an obligation to tell the entire story and Viki's paper is merely telling another side. He will argue bias on her part because I was married to her brother. I will argue that while that is true, we haven't been married for a long time and if anything, she should hold a grudge because I left him. Back and forth we will go like a predictable pendulum, until the judge interrupts and angrily gives her decision. And we will accept that because we have no choice.
*****
I awaken hunched over my computer with a sore neck and back. I sound like a creaky old woman as I return to my full sitting height, cracking like there is no tomorrow. It's barely six am and on my computer are pages and pages of the letter "s;" I must've fallen asleep while typing.
There will be no more sleeping for me, not today. I drag myself from my bed, and prepare myself for another long day. Rachel crosses my mind only briefly and not enough to ruin my day.
I take my time this morning, appreciating everything just a little bit more. I never noticed so many things about myself, like how I curl my hair every morning, starting in the same spot and working my way around. I never noticed how I put my makeup on in the same sequence every morning without fail and when I'm not wearing lipstick, I sometimes feel more exposed than if I were wearing nothing at all. And each morning, I like my coffee a certain way and when I add too much sugar, I pitch the entire cup because then it can never be perfect. Perfection has been my lifelong goal and you know something? I've never been able to reach it, but for some reason, I keep trying. In my life, I think of the men I've been with and the reasons things didn't work out; it all seems to go right back to my need for perfection.
I look into the mirror and ask myself, "Why are things so different with Todd?" I don't know how or why my mind went straight back to him, but it did and there it will stay. I wish I had an answer but maybe if I did have the answer, he would no longer be of interest to me; he would be discarded just like the others.
*****
Jazz, predictably, is at her desk, working like it's her entire life. I now feel a kind of warmth wash over my body whenever I'm in her presence and it's not a sexual thing, it's all about the peace I feel whenever I am near her. It's like a switch is flicked in my body and just like that, I am filled with a quiet calm.
"Morning, Ms. Delgado," she says without looking up.
"Morning, Jazz. How are you?"
"I can't complain-"
"Who's gonna listen?" I finish, smiling from ear to ear. During our first meeting, I asked her that very same question and she replied, "Oh, I can't complain; who's gonna listen?" It was the first time I'd ever heard an icebreaker like that and we laughed and laughed.
"Right." She looks up from her work, finally and stares directly into my eyes. "Hmm, is your back okay?"
I don't know how she knew it, but my back was killing me from leaning over the bathtub for God knows how long. "Yes," I answer, somewhat baffled.
"You're kinda hunched over," she observes. "You need a heating pad?"
"No, I'll be okay," I insist.
"Let me finish typing this up and when I bring it into you, I'll fix your back." She said it so matter of factly, I knew that when she finished, she would do exactly that.
I see my message light blinking incessantly on my cell phone, and sigh to myself because I know this is just the beginning of my day. I refuse to check it, not right now; I have so much to do for Derek's case and that is where my focus should be. Besides, I have a sneaky suspicion it's Todd, calling to check up on me and I can't handle the intensity of our relationship right now.
Several minutes later, there is a light tapping on the door and in walks Jasmine concentrating on something. Her eyes are focused straight ahead, which is in my direction, but she's not really seeing me; she's more like a zombie. I want to ask her what's wrong, but I can tell that it's not the right time. She stops in the doorway, only briefly, before stepping toward me.
"Whew, that was funky," she says, shaking her head in disbelief. She doesn't wait for me to ask what's wrong; she comes toward me and says, "I thought I felt something; guess I was wrong." She tilts her head to the side, "Hmm, can you lay on your couch or something?"
"Sure," I answer, doing exactly as she asks. Immediately I feel her hands connect with my neck. Normally, I'm the slightest bit ticklish, but not when it comes to her touch. Her hands then leave my body, but I can still feel their heat as they hover above my lower back. She doesn't touch me from that point on; instead, she moves her hand over my back, up and down. Every bit of soreness and tightness that I once felt in my back is gone. It's almost as if her hand absorbs the negative energy that was consuming me. "Oh my goodness."
"Shh, just try and relax; I can tell you never do that."
I close my eyes and concentrate on this thing that's happening to my body. No longer do I feel sad or anything other than relaxed and safe; these emotions are things that are completely foreign to me. I almost fall asleep, but I can't because it feels too good, lying here and forgetting about every negative thing in my life.
Too soon, she is finished, cracks her knuckles and is almost out the door before I find my voice. "Hey, wait," I say.
"Yes?"
"What did you just do? I mean, I've never-"
She mysteriously smiles and says, "Oh, it's just a little something I picked up, that's all."
"That's all? You should bottle whatever that is and sell it." I smile at her, "I even know a good attorney who could help you out."
"Thanks but, no." She disappears out to her outer office and I'm left there feeling confounded her.
*****
I finally get around to listening to my morning messages and, as I'd suspected, the very first call is from Todd. I intensely listen to his tone because really, that's the only way you actually know what he's feeling; he certainly never says anything. He doesn't really sound angry in his message, more tired than anything.
I know he'll be here shortly, yelling at me for not returning his call. I don't mind much anymore; at least he's here with me. I'm finding that's really all that matters, he and I are together, even if we're not together in that sense. Todd is my best friend; it's taken me too long to realize that.
Right on time, he bursts through my door, only to be greeted by my cheesy grin and a slight giggle. He can't help but to smile back at me and God, it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. "What're you grinnin' at Delgado?"
"You," I reply, still grinning at him.
"Okay, out with it."
"I just listened to your message and I was wondering how long it'd take you to burst through the door." I recline in my chair, even more relaxed than I was this morning. Just being in his presence, surprisingly, brings me the kind of joy that I haven't felt since we went our separate ways.
"Ah, very funny. So, did you help Crybaby Gannon out?"
I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. I know my expression has changed and I know he can see that. I also know that if I tell him what I shared with Rachel last night, he would go after Jared the way I should've years ago. But fear, it snaked its arms around me, catching me in its python grip and it didn't let go until last night. Well, it really didn't let me go; I writhed away from it, freeing myself from its clutches.
"What?"
"Nothing," I lie.
He shifts his weight to his other foot and crosses his arms. "What?" he asks again, this time it's tinged with impatience.
"Girl stuff," I answer. He makes a face and sticks out his tongue as if the word "girl" is peppered with a toxic taste.
"Yuck," he frowns, plopping down into a seat across from me.
"What are you doing here anyway?"
He puts his feet up on my desk, his hands behind his head and sinks down into his seat as if he owns the place. He once told me that we have to make our place in the world and he certainly does that, wherever he goes.
I cannot think of a word strong enough to describe what he means to me. I don't always remember how special he is, not until we have moments of silence like this and there's nothing but the sound of our synchronized breathing. Then, I see everything in him, from the love to the vulnerability to the pain, straight to the anger. Behind those eyes, there's so much going on and I know he sees the same in me. Sometimes, it scares me but other times, like this, it's nice to be around someone who really, really knows you.
