He sees the realization on my face as my eyes widen and my mouth drops. "Oh no," I say quietly. "Please tell me-"
Quickly he interrupts my sentence. "No, don't think like that."
"But it's true Todd. She's accusing you of abandoning them for me, isn't she?" I don't give him time to respond. "You've got to go back," I insist.
He shakes his head and looks at me as if I've taken a knife, shoved it into his chest and twisted. I will never forget this expression for the rest of my life. "No." That is the only word he utters. "No."
If I had strength in my legs, I would walk over to him, grab him by his shoulders and hold him like he is my entire world. Instead, my legs give out and I fall to the ground. In my unconscious state, I feel the pound of his feet beating against the floor.
I have no idea how this happened. We were talking and then the room started spinning around uncontrollably. A curtain slowly fell over my body and when I was enveloped in its darkness, I closed my eyes and fell.
I can hear him talking to me, begging me to wake up but my body will not cooperate. It has a mind of its own these days and I have to accept that. I hear the fear in his voice and I will my hands to touch his face, but they lie paralyzed at my side.
After what seems like an eternity, my eyes open and I am no longer on the floor; I'm lying on the sofa. Todd is right next to me, stroking my face with a cold cloth. "You okay?" he asks.
"Yeah, I just…I'm sorry."
"Hey, don't apologize; just don't let it happen again." He gives me a little smile, which is so sexy to me.
"I just don't know what happened."
"First you were standing, then you fell on the ground." He looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Should we call the doctor? I didn't 'cause, you know, I wasn't sure if you wanted me to."
"No, it's okay now. I'll be fine." I guess today is one of sudden realizations because it dawns on me that the only times I really, really have problems with fainting and the like, is when I am stressed.
"You sure?"
"Yes." I know he doesn't want to deal with what we were talking about before and, though he would never wish me any harm, a part of him is glad that this "distraction" occurred.
He continues to touch me, not in a sexual way, but in a loving way. He caresses my head, cheek, arms; he does not dare venture out of those safety zones. "I thought your medicine was supposed to take care of that?"
"It does, most of the time."
Just then, my phone rings, startling both of us from this comfortable state we're in. I curse under my breath, bringing a slight smile to his face. He points toward the phone, asking me without words, if I want him to answer. I nod, not really caring at this point what other people might think. Besides, it's not like I have a boatload of men calling.
"Uh, hello? Delgado's residence." He moves the phone away from his lips and mouths the word, "Miriam."
I motion for him to bring me the phone; I really need her to lift me up with her irreverent sense of humor. "Hello."
"Oh, so now he's answering your phone? At this time of night? Girl, I didn't interrupt anything, did I?"
"You think we would answer the phone if you did?"
"Hmm, good point," she laughs. I love the sound of her laughter; I can almost see her kicking up her legs, slapping her knees and throwing her head back so far, it looks as though it's going to detach.
"So, what's up?"
"I was just sittin' here, wonderin' how you're doin'?"
"Oh, I'm okay, just, you know, working and-"
"Screwing."
"Um, no, not that." I take a look at Todd from the corner of my eye. He's pretending to not eavesdrop as he takes in every word I speak. "What's going on with you?"
"Just work and play…the usual. Hey, I was thinking maybe we could head to this new club-"
"Uh, don't you think we're a little old-"
"Don't even say it."
Once she makes up her mind, she will not change it. Once she decides we're going to do something, we do it even if she has to drag me kicking and screaming. I know when arguing is useless, so I go ahead and agree to go out. We chat a few more minutes and then I end our conversation.
Todd's eyes have not left me. He hasn't said anything, but I can feel him looking and trying to piece together the rest of the conversation from my end. I turn toward him, halfway expecting to see that suspicious jealousy, but that's not what I see. I see someone who is working hard to fight the jealousy he so obviously feels.
No matter how far we come, the jealousy is always the big elephant in the room. No matter how often I reassure him that my love is constant and he can trust it, that complex emotion is always present in his eyes. And for some reason, I automatically feel guilty, even though I have no reason to feel that way.
"You're not goin' out," he says calmly.
"The only plans I have tonight are to sleep for as long as possible." He breathes a sigh of relief and his shoulders relax a bit. "Um, Todd."
"Yeah."
"About Blair-"
He shakes his head emphatically, "I don't wanna talk about her."
"But we have to," I insist. "Maybe it would be best-"
"No, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I said I'm stickin' around and that's what I'm gonna do."
I hear the pain in his voice and I know he will not leave on his own accord. I also know that he is giving up his entire life just to be with me and I have to live with that burden. I feel so selfish for what my love has done to his family, but I have to remember that it was all going badly before I came back into the picture. I have to cling to that. "Okay," I say quietly, turning my head so I don't have to see the heartache in his eyes.
"Good, now you need to sleep."
"I'm good."
"Nope, the doctor said you need rest so you're gonna rest."
I can't say that I'm entirely unhappy about his caretaking of me, I can't say that at all. It shows, rather than tells me exactly how he feels. It's the actions, I told him, that speak the volumes.
As I lay on the couch, he settles in at the opposite end. He lifts my feet and places them upon his lap. His movements are so slow and so gentle; he treats me as though I am precious china. He takes my feet into his hand and massages them with the expertise of a master masseuse.
I close my eyes and try to relax. My focus is on his hands and my mind is already much quieter than it's been in a long, long time. Slowly, I feel myself drifting into darkness and I'm not afraid this time because I know when I wake up, he will still be there with my feet on his lap and his hands on my body.
****
Rachel's footsteps are what wake me from an otherwise peaceful sleep. I blink my eyes, rubbing the tiredness from the corner, smacking my lips together and moistening my tongue. I turn toward her and, even in the darkness, I can see the streaks left by her tears.
I know she sees me and I know that's what causes her to turn away quickly. I am suddenly afraid for her, thinking maybe Jared repeated his abusive past. I think maybe it's my fault because I didn't open my damn mouth and do something to save her.
I must move suddenly because Todd jerks awake and starts looking around the room as though he doesn't even know where he is. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, go back to sleep," I whisper, making a move to get up and follow my friend. His strong hands stop me.
"Where you goin'?"
"I'll be right back." I pat his thigh with my reassuring touch. He almost tries to stop me again, but his arm drops back to his side. Taking that gesture as my opening, I get up and quietly walk down the hall.
There is no answer in Rachel's room, so I twist the doorknob; it doesn't budge. "Come on, Rach, open the door."
"Give me a minute," she calls out to me. I wait and wait, until finally I hear the click on the other side of the door. When she opens, her face is without makeup; it doesn't appear as though she's even shed a tear.
"I'm fine."
"Clearly, that's not the truth."
Her eyes are puffy and red; her cheeks are slightly discolored. My heart breaks for her, for I have worn the same expression a countless times. I take her into my arms and there, she lets the floodgates open and overflow, down her face and onto my shoulder.
"Shh, it's okay," I say, trying to soothe her the best way that I can. I know that I can never really do that because a broken heart cannot be healed with words of kindness and care. "Shh," I repeat.
After a long time, she seems to settle and I walk with her over to her bed. I want to know what's wrong with her, but I know I have to be patient and wait for her to open up. She never can keep anything inside, not like me, so I know it will only be a matter of time. Then, breaking through the silence, I hear the faint sound of her voice.
"He hit me, Tea," she sobs. "He fucking hit me!" I hear anger in her voice more than anything.
"Jared?"
"Who else?" Her eyes are hard diamonds, cutting through my heart with her unflinching stare. "Is that what you've been hiding from me?"
I change the subject, as is my nature. "You need to press charges."
"IS THIS WHAT YOU WERE HIDING FROM ME, TEA?"
I'm not quite sure how I should respond to this. The simple answer is, I don't know anything about Jared's adult life and what he's capable of. What I refuse to tell her is something much more than this, but there is no record. That's the thing and that was my fear, up until this night; she would not believe me without having the evidence right in front of her.
"There's my answer," she says, slightly bitter and slightly hurt.
"It's not like that, Rachel. There's a whole story that-"
"Tell me," she interrupts. "Just fucking tell me."
I take a deep breath and stare at her a long time before saying anything. "Okay, let me just tell Todd I'm going to be awhile, okay?"
