I freeze when he asks me about my secrets. This is such a minor thing, but Todd, he has this way of making everything personal. I'm the same way I suppose, at least to a degree, but I'm not nearly as bad as him. "What makes you think I'm keeping something from you?"
"Well, when two chicks I know get together behind my back, it means I'm in trouble."
"Have you done anything that could cause you to get into trouble?"
"Do you really want me to answer that?"
"Maybe not," I concede, a little afraid of the answer. He looks at my eyes, penetrate me; I have to turn away. "Hey, you want something to drink?" I ask, attempting to make my escape.
"Nope, and don't change the subject. What's going on between you and Viki?"
Whenever he's like this, he'll keep going until you finally give up and tell him what he wants to know. He can't possibly be that upset at me for merely trying to win a case. After all, I went far above and beyond the call of duty when I was his lawyer. Screw it, he's going to find out soon enough, so I'll just save him the heartache later; maybe if it comes from me, he'll take it better. "Have you heard about a case involving the police brutally attacking an ending the-"
"Career of some black kid who played basketball. Voted Mr. Basketball of New York, legend on the court on Sixth Ave, McDonald's High Game alum; best player in the nation."
"So you have heard of him?"
"I'm a guy, Tea, I know everything about sports." He smirks at me, sort of like a cocky, victorious smile.
"And like most guys, your mind is so crammed with sports stats, there's nothing left for anything else." It's my turn to smile in victory and watch him struggle for a smartass retort.
I love these kinds of evenings; the two of us talking, feeling comfortable and just enjoying each other's company. I think this is something normal couples do, but they would be sitting closer to one another, cuddling and maybe kissing. As he continues talking to me, I am not paying attention to the words, it's his lips I'm watching.
"Hey, I'm tired," I lie, "I'm gonna head to bed."
"I just got here."
"I know and I'm sorry."
He jumps up with me and follows me back to my bedroom. "I gonna lay with you," he insists.
I can't say that I mind or that the thought repulses me. I can't say that I won't enjoy the heat that emanates from his body. I can't say that having a warm body in bed with me isn't something that I'm completely opposed to me. But…but…I can't lie in bed with him casually staring at the ceiling and talking about the weather. He and I both know that there is too much there, too much between us to ever casually do anything. Lying, doing nothing, after our first time together is, very simply, an impossibility.
I wordlessly leave my bedroom and go to my linen closet, where I grabbed a comforter and some bed dressings. I carry them back to my bedroom as he watches me carefully. I bought an air mattress for emergencies and this is definitely an emergency situation.
"What are you doing?"
"You're not sleeping with me, Todd."
"Geez, Delgado, a guy comes a few hundred miles to be with you and you make him sleep on…what the hell is that thing anyway?"
"It's an air mattress."
"Fine, then you sleep on it."
Here we go again; I'm getting angry. I'm not sure if he's angry because he won't be getting any tonight, or what. Maybe I'm the one that's wrong, but wait...I'm not the one who's married. I take a breath before I respond too hastily. "Todd, you're the one that's married and you and I both know what will happen if we share that bed."
"What would be bad about that?"
"I don't mess around with married men."
"By law only."
"Yes and I'm a lawyer; the law is everything." We stare at each other for a minute, maybe longer, probably thinking the same thing. Why did he have to get married to her again and have another child to add more injury to an already unbearable insult? Why couldn't we have had a child? Then again, it's probably best because with this thing I have, the mother is the carrier and it would literally kill me to pass something onto a child that I might have.
"Gimme that," Todd says, snatching the linens from me and doing poor job of making a bed for himself.
I'm not sure if he's angry about my refusal to sleep in the same bed, or if he's angry because he's not getting his way. I watch him from a distance, doing everything with exaggeration and anger, but there's not much I can do without sacrificing some of me. Once he is settled, I prepare myself for bed.
My nightly routine consists of brushing my teeth, hair, washing my face and taking a shower. It usually takes me about fifteen minutes, but tonight, I take my time, enjoying each task. When I am finished, I quietly open the door and watch him from a million miles away. He is wound more tightly than usual, lying in bed like a tin soldier, staring at the ceiling. The distress on his face nearly causes me to turn away.
"Quit looking at me, Delgado."
"You're so irritable when you don't get your way, you know that?"
"Yeah, so."
I sigh loudly, making my irritation known. I throw myself into bed, a little upset with him, but mostly with myself and my moral sensibilities. He says nothing, but I hear him breathing heavily. I know him well enough to know that when I wake up, he will be in bed next to me nothing can touch me because he won't allow it.
"Don't think I don't remember you never really answered my question about Viki."
*****
When I awaken, Todd is leaning on one elbow, looking down at me. "Couldn't sleep on that thing," he says.
I don't mind. I get out of my bed and start getting ready for our day. My appointment is at nine, so I take my time. By the time I'm ready, he's still lying on his back in my bed. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing," he pouts.
"Yes there is," I insist. I sit down next to him on the bed.
"I'm getting ready." He tries to move away from me, but I latch onto his arm.
"Todd, what is it?"
"I'm just, I don't wanna go."
"That's okay, I can go by myself."
"No, I'm not talkin' about that, I'm talkin' about Llanview."
My breath catches because he sounds so vulnerable and caring, so different from all the other men who have passed through my life. I want him with me so badly, but I'm thinking that maybe I've depended on him too much. I have my friends to help me and maybe that's all I need.
"Can I ask you something, Tea?" He is right in front of me right now, in my space, tempting me.
"What?"
"What would happen if I left Blair?"
"Your children would miss you," I say with little hesitation.
"I'm not talking about them and you know it."
I walk out of the room. I don't know why I can't just answer the question truthfully. I'm not sure I even want to go there with him because the truth has a way of stumbling out, especially with our kind of passion.
I hear his footsteps behind me, stomping around my suddenly tiny apartment. "You're good at runnin'," he yells.
I cover my ears, as if that could actually block the truth from burrowing into my eardrum. I am dizzy. My head is pounding. I walk in a circle, making everything so much worse. I shake my head and then….darkness.
*****
"What you experienced is pretty common with people who suffer from this same illness, especially during the early stages of treatment."
There is yet another hole in my arm. I'm still a little blue from the last time I was here, different floor, same hospital. I do not say a word as she speaks to me.
My eyes follow her out the door, then my gaze returns to the ceiling. I didn't really feel it coming on the way I did in the past. Before, there was at least some warning, though I never heeded it.
"If you really wanted me to stop talking, all you had to do was tell me," Todd jokes.
It fell so flat on me; I turn away from him. "When can I leave?" I ask.
"As soon as they finish the paperwork. They wanted you to get some fluids first."
"Okay." I keep my back turned to him, but he is still looking at me; I can feel it. I don't feel bad right now, but it sneaks up on me and once it's there, it's there for a nice, long stay. I am further ruining his life by dragging him into mine, but I can't let him go; I'm not strong enough to let him go.
The hospital door flies open and I turn to see if he's left me again. But he's still there, sitting in a chair. It's Dr. Morgan who enters, carrying my file which seems to be double the size I remember.
"Hi, Tea."
"When can I leave?"
She looks over at Todd, smiles and says, "Those were his first words to me too." She flips through the file, closes it, and then looks at me. "Well, I want to keep our appointment for today-"
"Wait, you said all you had to do was finish her paperwork." Todd is getting antsy; his leg is jumping.
Dr. Morgan looks from him to me and back again, surely trying to figure out exactly who this protective lion is. And to a degree, I suppose I'm wondering the same thing. "Well, as you probably know, Tea is a busy woman and sometimes it's difficult for her to find time to take care of herself."
"So you just want to poke her to death at one time?"
"Todd," I say, thinking the same thing, only unwilling to speak my mind.
"Fine, just don't hurt her too much."
"I promise," she smiles, "We won't do too much damage."
*****
I am back at my office, looking over my massive pile of cases. For the most part, I have found other attorneys to represent most of my clients, keeping only the more challenging for myself. Todd has gone to get lunch, saying the only way he's going to leave is after he makes sure I've eaten.
I am so far beyond conflicted when it comes to him. On the one hand, I can't stop thinking about him; on the other, I can't stop thinking about his family. I'm in the middle of this crisis and all I seem able to think about, is my love for him.
"Hey, Miriam is out here," Jazz said, breaking my concentration. She's so quiet; I often forget we share an office. It makes it okay for me to let my mind wander, wander without fear of who's going to see and judge me.
I shake my head, snapping myself back to reality. "Send her in."
I don't even have time to fix myself before she breezed in, a breath of fresh air in my suffocating world. "Girl, was that your ex I saw slipping into your place last night?" She asks, making herself comfortable in one of the chairs across from my desk.
"Yes," I answer.
"Get rid of the baggage but keep the benefits; that's the way to live."
"It's not like that."
"Yeah, can you try saying that again, only with a straight face."
