Miriam and I grew up telling each other everything. We were probably as close as sisters and when my mother left me, she was the only one I told all my feelings. When her father died, I was the first person she called. We used to be inseparable, but ever since I moved back to New York, I've felt like something was missing between us. It's hard to describe, but I'd say it's something like two strangers, trying to figure out just how much trust to put in the other. I know she would understand about Todd, but I really don't want to think about the silent judgment that would be passed upon me.
"So, are you gonna to let my imagination run wild about your relationship, or are you gonna to tell me?"
"It's nothing."
"M-hm, that's okay; you know I'll find out anyway."
"I'm sure you'll try, but you're wasting your time," I insist.
I hear Todd's overly dramatic voice loudly penetrating the walls separating the reception area from my office, saying something to Jazz about "fuckin' cab driver nearly running him over." He and Jazz, I'd venture to guess, would get along quite well. They're both slightly odd, intelligent with so much going on beneath the surface, it's almost overwhelming.
"Hey, Delgado," he says, but then halts as soon as he spots Mariam.
This is such a female thing, but I watch for his reaction when he looks at Miriam. Jealousy and possessiveness take over as I cannot bear the thought of him looking at any other woman the way he looks at me. I shake my head of these jealous thoughts because, he is married; a fact I conveniently keep forgetting.
"I didn't-, "he continues.
"It's okay, Miriam is an old friend of mine. Miriam, this is Todd Manning."
"Hi," Miriam says, offering him her hand.
"Hey," he mumbles, reluctantly taking her hand into his. He turns to me and asks, "You want me to go?"
"No, not at all."
Todd, if you really take the time to get to know him, really is a shy person. Not the king who will run and hide under a rock if you look at him, but the kind where all he really wants is to be left alone. It comes from his past, I think, and the feeling that if people see him, really see him, they'd force their pity upon him like a key into a lock, hoping to get past the barrier he puts between himself and the rest of the world. He places our lunch on my desk and stuffs his hands deep into his pockets with such force I look down to the hem of his slacks, just to see if he managed to puncture his pockets
"There's enough, if, you know, she wants to stay."
"No, I've got to get going," she says, giving me a wink, then makes a quick exit.
I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye, before she breezed out just as quickly as she breezed in. Todd's body language changes immediately, it relaxes and his manners fly out the door, right along with Miriam. I move out of his way while he heaps mounds of Chinese food onto his plate.
"Glad she didn't stay; leaves more for us."
I wait patiently while he settles himself before tending to my own growling stomach. "What'd you do, buy one of everything?"
"Yeah."
We have a quiet lunch, not really saying much of anything. I suppose that's a good thing considering his very bad habit of talking with his mouth full. I'm enjoying this far too much, but I think I'm using the wrong word. I think I'm becoming a little too comfortable with having him around me.
His cell phone rings, just as my office phone rings. We look at each other and roll our eyes; the peace and quiet is over and real life has once again burst through the walls of our world. I answer, paying less attention to my conversation than to Todd's.
"Mrs. Carpenter is here," Jazz says.
"Give me a minute," I instruct, straining to hear Todd's low whisper.
"What'd I tell you? Don't call me unless it's an emergency." Long pause. "So, then go to the doctor, nothin' I can do for you." Long pause. "Bye."
I can still hear her yelling, even after he pulls the phone away from his ear and before he hangs up. In spite of myself, I smile at his treatment of her as it is the complete opposite of his treatment of me. "We've got a problem."
"Yeah, and her name's the Blairacuda."
"Viki's outside." I watch his face for a reaction, but all he does is shrug his shoulders. I take that to mean he's fine with being seen with me, so I go to greet her.
When I enter the reception area, Jazz and Viki are deeply engrossed in conversation. I stand back for a few moments, watching their easy interaction. Viki looks up, and smiles as she excuses herself from their conversation.
"I didn't mean to interrupt." I say to both of them. "Viki, you can come in whenever you're ready."
"It's okay, we're just finishin' up." Jazz puts her headphones back on and turned her back.
Viki shakes her head and whispers, "she certainly is an interesting young lady; I'm sure there's a story there."
Viki doesn't see Todd standing by the window, at least not at first. She opens her mouth to speak, and it remains agape as she finally spots him. Her eyes dart between us, shocked that we're in the same room. She attempts to cover by clearing her throat, straightening her attire and anything else that keep her hands moving. "Well, I didn't mean to interrupt."
"Oh, you're not interrupting," I say.
"Hi, Todd. It's a shame I have to fly all the way to New York to bump into you."
"Isn't it?" Todd doesn't waste any time probing into our business since I refused to share any information with him last night. "What are you and Delgado working on?"
"If Tea wanted you to know, she'd tell you."
Todd looks at me, then back to Viki and mumbles, "chicks."
"Todd, why are you so worried about what we're doing?" I ask.
"Because you shouldn't keep secrets, that's why."
"Oh, let's not talk about keeping secrets; you're the master."
"Whatever." He glances at his watch and sighs.
"You have to go?"
"I can stay longer."
"No, that's okay; I'll be fine." He starts to walk out the door, but stops just short of the threshold. "I'll call you later."
When she's sure he's gone, Viki looks at me suspiciously and says, "I know it's none of my business, but let's just get this big elephant in the room out of the way, shall we? Is something going on between the two of you?"
I'm not exactly sure how to answer that question; something is definitely happening, but I'm not sure either of us really know how do describe it. I know, in my heart, I'm falling in love again, more accurately, I've never been out of love with him and it sometimes frustrates me, always, it overwhelms me.
"Tea?"
"Yes, sorry about that." I shift around, before saying, "Todd's married."
"In other words, it's none of my business."
"I didn't say that. It's sort of…well…he's helping me deal with this."
Viki watches my eyes, searching for deeper meaning in my simple statement, like specifics in how he's helping and how far the boundaries extend in our new relationship. All she says is, "I see."
"So, what brings you here?" I ask, trying to change the direction of this conversation quickly.
"Well, I wanted to show you the first article." She pulls a large stack of paper from her briefcase, and hands it to me. "Normally, it takes me a couple of days to write something after an interview, but this young man's story touched me so deeply, I couldn't sleep."
"Really?"
"Yes. I must tell you, I find his treatment absolutely appalling. It's not something that is new, yet I have never felt so much empathy for the victim."
"Because you've never been so close."
"You're absolutely right."
She gathers her things in her perfectly poised way, securing her purse on her shoulder and comfortably fitting her briefcase in her hand. "Well, my dear, I shall leave you."
"Thank you, and I'll let you know what I think."
"Please do. We're going to press on Wednesday."
We exchange a brief hug with the promise of speaking tomorrow. When she leaves, I sit down in my chair, afraid I've over exerted myself again. I read the first few sentences of her article, which leads to the next few and so on. Before I know it, I've read the entire thing.
*****
A slight trembling in my legs awakens me. It's barely noticeable at first; my first thought is to stretch my muscles which have been in an uncomfortable position ever since I fell asleep at my desk in my home office. As the trembling increases, fear takes over my body. I am having another seizure.
This is what I am so afraid of; something happening in the middle of the night and being alone when it happens. I am trying to relax and breathe the way they told me, but my breath keeps catching. I am hyperventilating. I cannot scream. I cannot move to the phone. I have to wait until it passes, so I count silently.
It eventually passes, but I am left trembling long after the last effects wash over me. I sit straight up, physically exhausted, as well as emotionally. I look around, as if I expect Todd to be there, sitting and watching over me. I am alone, well, almost; Rachel is in the other room. I cannot bother her with my affliction; it is not her burden to bear.
The phone next to me rings, and I'm grateful for the interruption. I use what little strength remains in my body to lift the receiver from its base. "Hello?" I answer, praying that it is a right number.
"You okay?"
It's Todd. Somehow, I knew it would be him on the other end, feeling my shaking all the way in Llanview. I exhale loudly, relieved to hear his gentle voice. "Yeah, I'm fine," I answer, not wanting to make as scared as I.
"'Cause I just sorta got this feeling, I don't know, like you were…somethin' wasn't right."
"I'm okay now."
"What does that mean? What happened? Did you have another seizure?"
"Yes."
I can hear him moving around the room, getting ready to come out here. "I'll be there in a couple hours."
Everything in me is screaming to not drag him back here. His kids need him and as much as I hate it, so does his goddamn wife. I am rapidly becoming one of those, the well-meaning home wrecker. I can't go through this, in addition to what my life has turned into, I can't deal. "Don't."
"Tea, you're not doin' this alone."
"I have Rachel."
"I'm-"
"Todd, no. We can't keep doing this, acting like you don't have a life there, in Llanview. I can't keep doing this."
"Is this because of Blair?"
I hate the very sound of her name. That woman has everything that I have ever wanted and here I am, having seizures in the middle of the night. I have tried to do everything right, yet I'm the one who keeps suffering with one setback after the other. It's not fair, damnit!
"'Cause I don't love her. I don't know how many times I gotta say it to you."
"Actions speak louder than words, Todd. You're married to her for God's sake; you're committed to her."
"No, she's the one who should be committed."
"Maybe so, but the fact remains that you're married to her. I'm not going to pretend I don't want your strength here with me, but I can't do it, Todd. I just can't," I sob, hanging up the phone and burying my face into my pillow.
