At some point during the night, I fell into a deep sleep. It is only when I hear someone calling my name rather loudly, that I pull myself from my deep slumber. I turn toward the voice, seeing a tired Rachel thrusting the phone in my direction.
"Mmm," I mumble, rolling away from her.
"It's Todd," she says, dropping the phone on the bed, and then leaving the room.
The clock next to my bed reads 6:05 am. To call someone at this hour is not only inhumane, but inconsiderate. "Do you know what time it is?" I scream.
"Same time it is here," he jokes.
"Very funny. What do you want?"
"You never were very nice in the morning."
"Well, there are certain ways I like to be awakened, this isn't one of them." There is silence as we both remember my favorite way of being "nudged" awake. He was always the first one to wake, watching and waiting patiently for me to awaken. He couldn't always wait though, and I'd feel him gently touching my body all over, making me want to love him in our special and passionate way.
"I know," he says softly. "So, how ya feelin'?"
"Okay."
"When's your next appointment?"
"Day after tomorrow." I am fully awake now, stretching my legs and walking around my big, lonely bedroom. Selfishly, I want him here with me, touching me, loving me and making love with me.
"I was thinking, maybe I could come in, maybe tomorrow, and go with you."
He seems almost afraid of me, almost afraid of my reaction. My greatest fear is the depth and power of my feelings for him. Everything, as it pertains to him, is so damned overpowering, I feel like I want to drown in it.
"Tea?"
I take a deep breath. "I don't want to cause you any trouble on the domestic front," nearly choking on the last words because I'm so damned jealous.
"I hate my domestic life," he admits. "I don't wanna be here, Tea."
"Where do you want to be?" I ask, already knowing the answer.
He doesn't respond to my question, and though I know the answer, I want to hear it from him. The words are always so difficult for him, but I can't continue to spoon feed the words to him. So, I wait. And I wait. And I wait.
"I want to be there with you," he says, and I know the words he speaks are the truth.
There have always been so many obstacles in front of us; his faux family is just the latest. I cannot be that other woman that I shamelessly judge without even considering their circumstance. I cannot be the other woman; it is not within me. I keep repeating it, but I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince. I need this man; I need everything that he brings to the table.
"Tea, I can't do this anymore."
"Do what?"
"I can't stay here, knowing you're there going through all kinds of shit. I need to do something; I need to be with you."
I cry soundlessly into the phone, knowing the next words that pass my lips will be some of the biggest lies I've ever told. "What I need from you, Todd is to stay there and take care of your responsibilities. I'll be okay." Even to myself, my lies didn't sound convincing.
"Delgado-"
"We both made choices and we have to live with them. If you were to leave the Blairacuda and your kids, you would never get custody of them."
"Yes I would," he says confidently, "I've got a great lawyer."
"Well, your great lawyer might not be around."
"Don't talk like that, Tea."
"Like it or not, it's my reality. I'd never forgive myself if I cost your custody of your kids."
"You wouldn't cost me the kids. I've got enough dirt on the Blairacuda to keep her from fighting me for them."
"And how much dirt does she have on you?"
"Shit, I never thought about that."
I know how impulsive and determined he is and I know he lives for the moment. It's one of the things I love most about him, but it gets him into so much trouble. That's why I have to be the one to say "no" in this instance. I doubt he will be deterred, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do everything can to keep him from doing something he might regret.
"You lookin' out for my best interests again?"
"Looking out for your best interest."
"Let me look out for you for once."
I can't say that this gesture on his part doesn't mean anything; it means the world to me. He is making a conscious choice to come to New York to be with me. Now the question is what does he expect? I will not make love with him; I will only love him in my state of deterioration.
"Tea, you know you can't fight me on this."
"I know."
"So, save us both some time and say yes now."
"I will compromise with you. You can come to all of my appointments with me, but you can't be here with me all of the time. You have to go afterwards."
"Here's the deal: I get to stay for twenty-four hours afterwards."
"Todd-"
"I just wanna make sure you're okay."
My head is screaming at me to say "no," but it's my heart that I choose to listen to. "Okay."
"I'll be there tonight." Before I can say anything else, he hangs up in my ear.
I am filled with a renewed energy, like that of a school girl, knowing the boy she loves will be with her soon. It still amazes me how he can change my mood instantly. I shake my head and try to stop thinking about him because Derek, Viki and I are meeting today and they need my undivided attention.
*****
Derek wasn't lucky enough to be granted bail, so we have to meet him at the jail. Since he's been locked up, he has lost fifteen pounds, refusing to eat most of the time. You have to imagine an African American kid, handsome, hovering around 6'3", composed of solid muscle; that was Derek when I first met him. This kid had a future before this went down; he was good, smart, just got caught up with the wrong crowd.
The guards, two of them, escort him to the room which has become our meeting place. He proudly limps toward me; his foot shackles limit his mobility. He lifts his cuffed hands, attempting to wave. "Hey, Ms. Delgado," he smiled.
"Hi, Derek," I smile back at him. As they un-cuff him, I ask how he's holding up.
"I'm okay. Is it warm out?"
"Yes, you'll be out soon enough to enjoy it."
"Hope so." That is his only response.
His young life is in the palm of my hand; I will not let him down. As he sits across from me, I can't help but wonder how different his life would've been if given half a chance. A product of a broken home, a survivor of one of the roughest parts of Brooklyn, he's doing well just to be alive. And maybe this case means so much to me because, in a way, I feel like I'm helping Todd. It's so stupid, but it seems like everything always goes back to him.
"Ms. Delgado, you said you wanted me to talk to some reporter lady?"
"Well, let me tell you about her. Her name is Victoria Carpenter and she is a well respected Publisher of newspaper in Pennsylvania. Her father ran the paper before her and her brother, oddly enough, is her chief rival in the newspaper business."
"Do they get along?"
"Well," I smiled, "not many people can get along with her brother, but they're very close, in their own way."
"Do you know her brother?"
I started laughing, nervously I suppose. "We were married."
"Are you married now?"
"No, we're not, but he's a good person." I drift off briefly, letting my mind wander toward him for a moment. "Viki wants the world to hear your story and I think she's the right person to bring it to light."
"I trust you." He stretches his long limbs and asks when "Mrs. Carpenter" would be here.
"She's actually right outside. I just wanted to give you a little background and make sure you're okay with this."
