These are their suggestions (demands): cut down on my hours, physical therapy and some sort of vitamin regimen. This is only the beginning, or so I'm told. They want me to consider seeing a psychiatrist at some point; the emotional toll, they say, will be massive. The valleys will be unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life.
I am back at my office; it has only been six hours since my release from the hospital. I went home first to shower, change and fill Rachel in. Now I'm back here and things seem to have settled; my heart no longer feels as though it is going to thump out of my chest because here, in this office, is where I have complete control. This is where I can relax and link my tired fingers behind my head, lean back in my chair, and relish the confidence that envelopes me inside these four walls.
I managed to talk Todd into leaving me alone for awhile; he's supposed to be on his way back to Llanview. There is a stack of messages on my desk; everybody wants something from me. I have limitations, though it is one of the most difficult things in the world for me to admit. My limitations will force me to drop some of my caseload and hang onto only those cases that are closest to my heart.
I guess the first thing for me to do is call some of my old contacts to see if they would be willing to take some of my caseload. I hate asking for anything; I am supposed to be a real life Superwoman, damn it! Begging does not suit me, never has and now, sadly, it is a necessity.
My eyes hone in on Derek's file; I desperately want to win this case for him. It's like my pet project, the case that keeps me awake at night and sticks with me all during the day. It is the very thing that goes bump during my nights. He and I have forged a bond; I can't let him down.
This will be the one case that I keep until I am no longer able to work. It could be my blaze of glory, so exciting; the case that will define my career. I will win this one; I have to win this one, no matter how high the cost.
I notice Viki has called a few times. I have thought long and hard about how much to tell her, or if I should tell her anything at all. I think everyone will feel sorry for me and watch me for the corner of their eyes. They will pity me and I will beg them to stop. But I have to tell someone other than Todd, my weakness is too much for him to handle. With trembling hands, I dial Viki's number.
"Victoria Carpenter."
"Hi Viki, it's Tea." I try to sound cheerful, but I know as soon as the words pass my lips, that I've failed miserably.
"Sweetheart, are you okay?"
"Viki, can we go to dinner, or something?"
"Absolutely. Why don't I meet you at your office and we can leave from there?"
"Okay."
As soon as I hang up the phone, the tears wash over me again; someone throw me a lifeboat because I am drowning. I don't know where they came from, but I find myself choking back the sobs that are caught in the back of my throat. There is no one to catch them or me, and that makes me feel even more pathetic.
*****
I have lost track of time, even though I've been sitting here watching the hand move around my clock. I am anticipating the conversation that I will have with my former sister in law; desperate to experience her motherly love. I am going to have to repeat this conversation with the people closest to me; my hope is it will become easier and reach a point where I will no longer cry.
Viki's soft knocks interrupt my thoughts and I wipe the tears before I say, "Come in." I am still sniffling when I see her figure; I am trying my hardest to not lose it right here and now. "Hello."
"Hi, Tea." Instinctively she comes around the desk and takes me into her arms. I lean into her shoulder, slowly falling apart. "Are you okay?"
"Not really," I answer honestly.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Oh, god," I begin, and then I start crying uncontrollably. I thought I was stronger than this; I thought my inner strength would hold me up better than this.
"Okay, okay, let's go over here," she says, leading me toward the couch which serves as a mere decoration, rarely is it used. "Tell me."
I don't believe I am preparing to have this conversation with her, nor do I believe that this pretty mysterious disease is going to be the one thing to bring down my house of cards. Not me; I've been through too much; I've survived so much. I am no longer the granite rock, I am the dirt surrounding it, sinking deeper into an abyss of sickness; I may never emerge.
She takes my hand in hers, the way a mother would and warms me. "Oh, sweetheart, take your time."
I cry for several minutes; I cry without restraint or shame. I didn't realize how much I had been holding inside, not until this moment when an endless stream falls from my cheeks. I cannot say how much my face hurts and how much the flesh underneath my eyes burns from the salt of my tears. "Oh, Viki," I sob.
"Tea, what is it?"
"I've got…it's," I inhale and slowly let the air escape my lungs, "I went to the doctor."
"Yes."
"I've been sick and I haven't really told anyone and I get these pains and weird things keep happening…Larry couldn't find anything…but I had a seizure …so they ran more tests…they say I have a mitochondrial myopathy."
"Oh Tea," she says, with that sympathetic tone she's mastered. She engulfs me in her arms, and lets me continue to cry.
"I don't know what that means," I sniffle. "I don't understand what it all means."
"Okay, okay…shhh." She tries so hard to calm me, but I can't get past the fact that there is no real cure; there are only things to help manage the symptoms. "So, what is the prognosis?"
"I don't know. There's no cure, but the doctor seems to be optimistic that they discovered it soon enough, but they don't know too much about it."
"Do you have to see a specialist?"
"Yes."
"Okay, well, I will use all of my resources to find the best specialist in the world and we'll go from there." She stops talking for a minute and I pull away, wiping at my eyes. "Tea, you have enough people who love you and will fight with you; we'll beat this."
"I'm scared," I confess. "I'm so scared that this is it for me."
"Oh, honey, no. Don't talk like that. We're going to concentrate on the here and now."
"I've got to get rid of some of my case load. I've got to get things in order just in case. I've got to-"
"Shh, we'll figure it all out." She studies my movements as I move from the couch to my desk, where I proceed to gather a pile of files into my arms.
"Have you told your family?" she asks.
I shake my head. "The only people who know are you, Rachel and…Todd." Her eyes widen and I suddenly feel the need to explain. "There's nothing going on between us, he's just been here…as a friend."
"I don't doubt that; I'm just surprised that the two of you have been in to uch, that's all."
"Mmm."
"Well, let's go, have a nice meal and, should you feel the need to discuss my troublesome and troubled brother, we can do that too."
*****
We had a nice dinner; I don't expect to have many more nights like this. Basically, my life, outside of my work and my apartment, will cease to exist. This thing, it is now what defines me.
Viki and I did speak of Todd; she filled me in on his life and marriage to Blair, which, it seemed to be more of a mirage than ours. She said when he made his return to Llanview he was more broken than she'd ever seen. She had never seen him so distraught; she was afraid that one night, she would get a call from the police saying he had killed himself.
I have never fully understood or accepted the depth of his feelings for me; I think it's my self-esteem issues that won't allow me to believe someone co uld possibly love me with the depth that I can love. Before everything fell apart the last time, he constantly told me he loved me and I did the same, yet I could never allow myself to believe it completely.
Viki wished things had worked out differently for us because, she believed what we share is the rarest, purist most amazing love she'd ever seen; even beyond the love she'd experienced in her life. We were the missing piece of each other. I so wanted to believe her, but Todd and I, we can never seem to get it together.
I told her how much loving him has meant to this basement raised, daughter of a janitor; it's meant everything. Todd is the only man to look past the exterior and really want to know the person beneath, the soul that I keep so well hidden. I can't believe how much he has given me.
Viki seemed think we should give it another shot because, it was obvious to her, that neither one of us was truly happy. It's true, at least for me, but right now, I am nothing but a burden. Plus, he has children, two of them by a woman I cannot stand. It might sound selfish, but I can't get past that, not after all he and I had to go through before he would even touch me. To see him give himself so freely to another woman, it kills me.
I argued that point with Viki, who promptly pointed out that Todd's problem has never been with sex, his problem is with intimacy. I don't understand that; when you love someone, you open up to them and love them. I almost view it as an excuse, maybe he didn't want to make love to me in the first place.
Viki dropped me off hours ago and Rachel fussed over me until I finally stormed off to my room. I'm not quite an invalid, not quite whole either. In fact, I'm having trouble distinguishing who or what I am these days.
I am afraid to sleep. I'm afraid to lie down because I know as soon as my head hits the pillow I'm going to be out of it. What will happen if I have another seizure and I'm all alone? What happens if I never wake up?
In my rational mind, this fear is irrational. I know that, yet I cannot control these feelings. So, I will suffer in silence, pretending that I'm not afraid and that I'm strong enough to handle all that will be thrown my way.
I will lie on my back, silently making a list of things I still have time to; of things that will make me feel as though I've lived my fullest life. Usually, I'm not a person who dwells on the negative, but right now, that's all I see.
