Todd insisted on accompanying me to the hospital; I begged Rachel to stay behind. As soon as we enter the emergency room doors, he starts screaming at people to come and look at me. They were New Yorkers, more annoyed than afraid by the crazy man in the lobby. I touch his arm, attempting to calm him with my touch.
"Todd, look around, there are a lot of sick people who were here before us; we'll just have to wait."
"I don't care about them," he yells.
"Todd-" I begin, but he is already walking away from me. I watch helplessly as he approaches the nurse's station and when he doesn't get what he wants from them, he goes to someone else. He returns a few minutes later, reaching for my hand and gruffly instructing me to "come on."
"Where are we going?" I ask, letting him lead me to another part of the hospital.
"Found a doctor."
"How much did you have to pay him?" I ask.
"Don't worry about it."
We meet his new friend in the corridor, and follow him to a less congested area. The power of money never ceases to amaze me. What's even more amazing is Todd's use of it to get what he wants.
"Mrs. Manning," the doctor begins, "can your husband fill out your paperwork while we get started?"
"I'm sure my husband knows all of my information." The badge clipped to his white coat reads "Collins;" he can't be a day over thirty.
He gives the clipboard and pen to Todd who refuses not take his eyes off me. I try to read his expression, hoping that I haven't grown rusty in our time apart. What I see is concern and fear, no terror; I see terror in his eyes. "So, tell me what happened earlier."
"She was sleeping-"
I cut Todd off before he can go too deeply into his version of what happened. "I think the question was directed toward me," I say gently. "I was sleeping and I sort of jerked awake and I continued to be out of control of my body for several minutes."
"Like a seizure?"
"Yes."
"Has this happened before?"
"No."
"Are you on any new medication?"
"I have new medication prescribed, but I haven't started taking it yet."
He continues his interrogation of me, asking all sorts of questions about my background, my stress levels, and my other symptoms. This goes on for well over an hour, along with routine checking of my vitals. The more he probes, the more I feel like something is desperately wrong. I try to calm myself, knowing if Todd sees this it will scare him even more; it's the domino effect.
He doesn't want me to go home tonight. He wants to monitor me for twenty-four hours, but I don't have the time. I thank Dr. Collins for his help, but insist that I do not have twenty-four hours to spare. Todd laughs at me, insisting that I will stay overnight and I will do whatever they tell me. He looks at me in such a way that I know this is an argument that I cannot win, so I to stay for one night.
So now, I'm confined this bed with all sorts of tubes coming from my body, invading my privacy. I hate this feeling of helplessness, and I'm so torn about Todd being here. I never wanted him to see me in my moments of weakness; that's not what he expects of me. And he has a family now; I'm sure they're wondering where he is.
As if reading my thoughts he says, "Delgado, you're not taking me from them."
"You should be with them," I insist. "We're not married anymore."
"Stop trying to be so damn strong and let somebody take care of you for a change."
If only I could do that without feeling completely useless. My life has always been about taking care of other people working toward their happiness; my needs have always been secondary. I have been comfortable with that; I'm used to it.
"Tea, I'm not going anywhere, not this time, so you better get used to it."
God, I really don't want to cry, but I can't stop the tears. This is absolutely terrifying. I never could understand how people who were living their last days could just whither away feeling sorry for themselves without making the most of the time they have left. Now that I'm in that sort of situation, I understand what it's like to have life controlled by fear and unable to come to terms that this is destiny.
"Delgado, stop thinkin', okay? We don't know anything yet."
"That's the problem Todd, we don't know anything. I've had all these damn tests and nobody can tell me anything," I cry.
"If this quack can't tell you anything, we'll go to someone else. We'll keep going to other people until we get some answers."
I can't bear to look at him. I'm being so selfish right now, keeping this married man away from his family. He seems so hopeful that we, as a unit, will conquer this thing. His confidence should rub off on me, but it's not. With each passing moment, I slip further into depression.
"This isn't you, Tea."
"What isn't?"
"You're the optimistic one; you're starting to infringe on my territory." In spite of myself, I start smiling which, in turn, causes him to smile. "There's that smile."
It quickly disappears as I begin thinking about his family. "Todd, you should call your family."
His body language completely changes right along with the expression on his face. He is angry again, though not with me. He is so sad, I can feel his sadness, mingling with mine, coursing all through my veins. "Todd."
"I fucked up, Tea."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't belong there; I don't want to be there."
"We all make choices, Todd, and we have to live with them." He shakes his head. "I'm not necessarily happy with some of the choices we've both made, but we can't go back and change them; too many people will be hurt."
"Shit," he groans, getting up from his chair and moving to the other side of the room.
"We can never get it together, can we Manning?"
*****
All night long, people are coming in and out of my room, reading things, changing bags, checking vitals. I can't understand why they bothered to give me a sleeping pill if they were only going to keep waking me up. I give up eventually, opting instead to use the time to think…to reflect.
Todd has not left my side. Somehow he has managed to contort his large frame and lift his legs beneath him, curling into the chair. I know he's been awake for most of the night; each time the door opens, he leers at the person entering and watches every move they make.
I am reminded of another time after that last barrier between us was torn down. We could not keep our hands off each other, needing constant reassurance that what we had was real and eternal. Compared to this, those were more innocent times; I wish we could go back to that time. We were so isolated and maybe that's why things were so good back then; there was no one to make him fly off into that jealous rage.
God, we were so free and so much in love, it literally scared me. I couldn't breathe sometimes, needing someone so much, it's so frightening. When I left him, I didn't think I would make it. I wanted to rip my heart out because it hurt so much, more than what I'm going through now. So much more and with him sitting next to this bed, occasionally touching my hand, I'm almost transported back to that time of easiness.
I still have my eyes closed when I hear him dialing a number on his cell phone. I know he's calling his wife to check on his children; I know I have no right, but I'm so jealous. I pull myself away from my thoughts long enough to listen to his end of the conversation.
"Don't worry about where I am, where's Starr?" Pause. "You damn well better put her on this phone." Pause. "Look, Blair, I don't have time for this shit, get her on the phone." He takes a deep breath and speaks again with a much gentler tone. "Hey, Shorty." Pause. "Don't listen to Blair." Pause. "I don't care what she said, you listen to me." Pause. "I don't know; an emergency came up." Pause. "How's your brother?" Pause. "Okay, bye."
He's so tired; I can hear it in his voice. He moves to my side again and reaches for my hand. I open my eyes again, just as Dr. Morgan enters.
"Good morning, Tea."
"Morning. When can I get out of here?"
"Not so fast. Some of your test results came back and we found something."
Todd interrupted, "Cut the shit and get to the point."
Dr. Morgan looked over at him and smiled warmly. "I'm Dr. Morgan."
"Todd Manning. What's wrong with her?"
"What we discovered is something that easily slips by on a lot of tests. I missed it the first time." She pulls up a chair on the opposite side of Todd, furrowing her brows as she searches my eyes. "Tea, you have what is known as a mitochondrial myopathy."
"What is that?"
"Well, each cell in the body has what's called a mitochondria; those are the, sort of brain, of the cells."
"I don't understand," I say, completely confused.
"Well, they're not functioning properly."
Todd is now holding my hand and rubbing it gently. I want to get out of this damn bed and scream; I want to break something and I want to know why I'm being punished. I'm shaking now, uncontrollably, and I know the tears will soon follow.
"So what do we do?" Todd asks, taking over for me.
"Well, the good news is we caught it fairly early, so we have a few options that we wouldn't have a few months down the road. I know you probably have a million questions, so let's start from the beginning and I'll tell you what we know so far about this disease."
She goes on for over an hour, outlining the symptoms, treatments; none of it seems very promising. I am not contagious, it's a genetic disease carried by the mother. There is no real cure; there only treatments that help manage the disease. These are just some of the things I can expect: weakened muscles, heart failure, palpitations, movement limitations, stroke-like episodes, deafness, blindness, vomiting, and seizures. I can also expect severe headaches and muscle aches. I am going to die like this, with no fucking dignity.
When the doctor leaves, Todd and I sit there, completely out of our minds with shock and pain. The doctor said in no way is this a death sentence, but that's what it feels like to me. Nothing about my life will ever be the same and there's no way to deal with it. Todd moves to the bed and rests his head on my shoulder. Like that, we fall asleep.
