What could I say at that point? "I'm sorry" seemed so inappropriate at that point. I suppose a deeper conversation was in order, but it wouldn't change the fact that the love of my life is in love with another.
He watched me intently, like he was expecting me to say something, but the words never came. He let out a disappointed sigh and said, "Right, so you're going to get that head thing checked out, right?"
"I hadn't planned on it," I replied.
He shook his head, like that wasn't the right answer and I should give it another try. I remained silent. "You're not NOT going to go to the doctor, Tea."
"I'm not your responsibility anymore, Todd. Besides, I'm fine."
"When's the last time you had a checkup?"
I could not believe we were having this conversation. He sounded more like my mother than a former husband and, I'd never let him know this, but it felt good knowing that he cared. "I don't remember."
He marched right over to me, lifted me up and hoisted me over his shoulder. "That's it, I'm taking you to the hospital right now!"
I flailed around, as if I could actually stop Todd Manning from doing something once he set his mind to it. "Stop it, Todd!"
"I'm not going to let your head explode and get all those brains on my new suit," he joked, with an underlying air of seriousness.
*****
For the life of me, I can't figure out what kind of doctor Larry Wolek is. He delivers babies, operates, performs routine checkups and all kinds invasive procedures. The man is a jack-of-all-trades and I've felt safe in his hands.
He looked a little shocked when I walked through the emergency room doors but recovered nicely. "Hello, Tea."
"Yeah, whatever, forget all this pleasantries crap and check her out."
I shot Todd a warning look, which he countered with an annoyed look of his own. "Hi, Larry. You're looking well."
"Thank you. And whatever you've been doing certainly agrees with you."
Before Todd could even open his mouth to say something smart about me leaving him, I pinched his arm.
"Ouch," he said, pinching me back.
"So, Tea, what can I do for you?"
Although the question was posed to me, Todd quickly jumped in and gave his version. "I saw her on the docks and she nearly passed out when she got dizzy and had a headache somethin'. So, I asked her if she'd been having them a lot, and if you know Delgado, when she doesn't answer a question, that means 'yes.' I know she was in a lot of pain 'cause she was trying not to cry and I saw that she really wanted to. So what you gotta do is give her one of those CAT Scan things and whatever the hell else you gotta do to find out what's wrong with her."
Larry looked at me as if I'd done something wrong, asking me with his eyes if what Todd said was true. "That's pretty much it."
"Uh huh. And how long has this been going on?"
"I don't know, a few months or so."
"And you haven't had it checked out?!" Todd yelled.
"Why don't you go home to your wife," I snapped back.
He had the nerve to ignore me, which only pissed me off more. "When you finish, tell me what's wrong with her so we can get her fixed."
"What am I? A dog?" I turned to Larry and said, "Todd is not to know anything if you do find something abnormal."
"I don't know why you're so stubborn," he said.
Larry was smiling at both of us and shaking his head. We probably sounded like children, but Todd tended to bring out the wild, youthful side in me. "Okay you two, break it up. Tea, come with me."
"I'm coming too, and don't give me any lip, Delgado," Todd said, following us.
"Tea, do you want him to come?"
Rather than cause a scene, I nodded my head and the three of us walked toward an examine room. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Todd watching me. He was just as afraid as me; I could see it in his eyes.
*****
Larry ran a few tests, but suggested I have a full exam when I returned to New York. He promised to call in a few days, once the results came in. From what he could see with the naked eye, there was nothing wrong.
That's where I am now, waiting for the rest of the results to come through. This is supposed to be the day, but I'm not holding my breath. I don't know what I think he's going to say. Maybe he'll tell me I only have six months to live and I should start getting my things in order. "Well, Larry," I'll say, "I have no life, therefore, I have no things to organize."
Todd said he would be here when Larry called and he would go to the hospital with me. I have not told Carlotta about my about my tests and she keeps asking me why I'm so distracted. I tell her it's nothing, just my work and start talking about Antonio.
I try to spend as much time as I can with both Carlotta and Antonio. Being around him and seeing him gives me hope that I can overcome whatever it is that's probably killing me. I guess, at heart, I'm a pessimist. I'm just sitting back and waiting for death to come knocking. I'll open the door and gratefully let him into my life and let him take me to my death.
Todd is knocking on my door, so I have to be strong again. I checked myself out in the mirror and wiped the streaks of mascara away. My nose was a little red, but I doubted he'd notice.
I opened the door for him and his first words were, "You been cryin', Delgado?"
Damn, he noticed everything. "I'm okay."
He shrugged his shoulders and walked past me, planting himself on the couch. "Doc call yet?"
"Nope." I sat next to him, needing to feel his closeness. "How'd you get away from the Blairacuda?"
He burst into a fit of laughter, the likes of which I'd never heard from him. He laughed and laughed, until he had to hold his stomach. "That's a good name for her."
The phone rang, interrupting the easiness of the moment. Todd started to answer it, but I grabbed his arm to stop him. "I'll get it," I said.
"Hello."
"Tea, it's Larry. We've got the rest of your results."
"We'll be right there."
*****
Larry sat on top of his desk and crossed his legs the way doctors do. I knew this was going to be bad news, there was sort of a dark veil covering his face. "Well, Tea, your test results are a little baffling."
"What the hell do you mean by 'baffling?'" Todd asked. "Talk straight to us."
Larry droned on and on about things I was incapable of understanding. He lay it out as simply as he could, but my brain could not function. I heard Todd talking to him, asking the questions I suppose I should've been asking.
Put simply, they were inconclusive. There were more tests that could be run, he said. I'm not sure which is worse, not knowing or knowing. It almost makes me feel as though it's in my mind and if the tests couldn't find it, then maybe it exists only in my mind. I heard Todd arguing with him, telling him to run the damn tests again. Then, I heard me sobbing because I truly felt hopeless and helpless and crazy for the first time in my life.
He was concerned about some things, like the headaches and other pains I told him about. I had sort of convinced myself that I had a brain tumor, yet it didn't show up on the tests. I went over various possibilities in my mind, and the more I thought about it, the more afraid I become.
Suddenly, I felt myself in Todd's arms, and we were alone. I don't know when Larry left or how long Todd had been holding me; I didn't care. For a few minutes, I was okay because I was wrapped safely in Todd's arms. His hands were moving up and down my back, trying to calm me and my hands were doing the same to him.
"We'll just go to another doctor and have him run more tests."
"What if they never figure it out? Then what am I going to do?"
"Don't even talk like that. You don't give up, Delgado; you never give up. Even when you should, you just keep on believin'."
I love this man too much and here I am, getting ready to leave him again. It was too much for my heart to bear, this weight on my heart, God, why was this happening? I hate feeling sorry for myself, but damn it, the world always seems to be falling in on me. "This is different, Todd."
"You tell me, how is this different? You never give up on anything, Delgado, and I'm not about to let you start now."
Todd crushed me into him, as if he was afraid to let me go. I caused him so much pain, yet here he was, holding me when I needed him most. Selfishly, I wished Blair was out of the picture because I needed him. I have never needed anyone in my life, but I needed Todd to help me through this.
"We'll get the second opinion," he whispered. "These docs around here, they're quacks. We'll go wherever we gotta go and they can run all the tests in the world."
I pulled away, got up and moved to the other side of the room. There was a picture on the wall that I suddenly became fascinated with. It would be so much easier if I could drop dead, right in this spot. Nobody would have to witness my wasting away. I could take just about anything, except for the deterioration of my mind. It's the one thing I've always been able to depend on, without that one constant, what did I have left?
