All of that happened on during the course of one week. Today, I am a little tired, a little tired of crying and a little tired of reflecting on my life. I keep my pain to myself, and that's exactly how it should be. Why burden my friends and family when there really isn't much they could do?
I have told them I'm going home. I've had enough of this town that has brought me more hurt than I could or would ever admit to out loud. Everyone is doing fine; Antonio is recovering and Carlotta has her child back. The world, it seems, has returned to its axis and everything is as it should be.
I am packing now, carefully rolling my world into a compact little cylinder. I don't seem to have much, just my clothes and maybe a trinket here or there. You would think that, over the years, I would've collected more meaningful objects. I had not.
I am beginning to realize just how precious life is. In mine, there had been many milestones and accomplishments that any person would be proud of. For me, they meant nothing in the grand scheme of things.
I am dying. Ha, it's a simple sentence, composed of four syllables and eight letters. My old English teacher would scream, "make it compound, add an adjective, make it breathe, Tea…make it breathe." And I would say, ironically, "there is no breathing when you are dead."
I am thirty-two years old; God's stepchild. The evil sister. I am the wicked witch of the west. This is my karmic "just desserts" and I shouldn't be surprised. Ladies and gentleman, the great Tea Delgado is on her way to her first defeat at the hands of some disease that has yet to be determined.
Todd, he doesn't know that I'm leaving him…again. I cannot fight any longer for him, us or what could be. I do not have the strength to endure one more broken heart. I cry for him; I know he cries for me. Tonight is our last dance, so to speak and then, I will vanish from his life forever.
The moments we have shared since the day at the hospital have been more precious to me then he'll ever know. He has always been gentle with me, but his gentleness has reached a new level. He waits on me hand and foot and, if any other man were to do the same thing, I would hate it. Coming from Todd, his kindness is willingly accepted and appreciated.
I love him, more than I could express, I love that man. He is good to me, lets me cry on his shoulder, but most of all, he's just with me. You know, that's what means the most, letting him hold me when I cannot stand on my own two feet. I see in his eyes how much he hurts, but he tries to hide it for my sake. He tries to convince me that we…get that…we…are going to "beat this shit," those are his words, not mine.
I keep checking my watch, wishing the eight o'clock hour would roll around and he would come banging on my door. That man does not know how to knock softly. He's always banging on the wood, screaming something like, "Open this damn door" to whomever is on the other side.
"Todd and his little habits," I said to myself as I shook my head. He really would be better off without me, wouldn't he? I'm a burden, my disease and me; we're a package deal that he doesn't need in his life.
I have finished packing, and hidden my luggage in the closet. There was something I would leave for him, a note in which I lamely attempt to ease out of his life just as I'd eased into it. So, this is it, I am sitting on the couch, waiting to say goodbye to the love of my life.
*****
He was right on time, banging on my door, screaming at me to "open the damn door." I yanked the door opened, my mouth agape at seeing him so casual. Todd loved to wear dress slacks and nice shirts. I don't think, in all the time we were married, I ever saw him in a pair of jeans. He brushed passed me, pretending to be annoyed, muttering something about my eyes going to permanently bug out if I didn't put them back in my head.
"Sorry," I said, attempted to check out his derriere before he sat down. "Why are you so casual today?"
"Uh, because I'm in a casual sort of mood."
"Makes sense. So, what are we doing tonight?"
"Don't know…whatever."
Typical Todd, I thought. For a brief moment, I felt guilty for taking him away from his family. Technically, he had not broken any vows, but I'm sure he didn't tell Blair where he was going when he and I had plans.
"What?" he asked, sensing something in my silence.
"What, what?"
"What are you thinking about?"
"Nothing," I lied. "So, you have no idea what you want to do tonight?"
He shrugged his shoulders, but judging the twinkle in his eyes, he definitely had somtheing up his sleeves. Well, if he wanted to play the game, I'd play the game. "Fine." We sat there, two strong-willed people, playing this stupid game that life was too short to play. I wasn't even sure what we were playing.
"Wanna go up to Viki's cabin, or somethin'?"
"Fine, let's go to the cabin," I said, even though I had no desire to see that place again.
****
I wasn't surprised when there was already a fire burning in the fireplace. Nor was I surprised that dinner was already there by the time we arrived. I was with a married man, in one of the most romantic situations I'd ever been involved in. If it were any other man than Todd Manning, I'd have thought the entire scenerio was a means to getting me into bed.
"You gonna stand there all night, or are you gonna come in and get somethin' to eat?"
I didn't realize I hadn't moved since he opened the door. I was so touched by this gesture; his way of taking my mind off of everything. "This is…nice."
"Whatever."
He helped me with my coat, pulled out my chair and ordered me to sit. "Thank you."
"Welcome. You like lobster, 'cause I had them some surf and turf thing that's costing me a fortune…but if you don't like it…you know…we can get something else."
"No, this is fine…it's great."
We didn't talk much during our meal, and I liked it that way. It gave me time to memorize every detail about him, like how he suddenly learned how to use a knife and fork. Todd is such a unique person; I don't think I ever fully appreciated his uniqueness until I was studying him as he sat across from me.
"What are you looking at?" he asked, wiping his mouth roughly with the back of his hand.
I didn't realize I was staring, but apparently, I was busted. "You."
"You'll go blind."
"No, blindness comes from…other things," I joked, remembering the childhood myths that filled my catholic upbringing. "How's Starr?" I asked.
"Bad."
"Yikes!"
"Yikes is right, there's too much of Blair in her." We both laughed, then fell into a comfortable silence.
I opened my mouth to say some things to him, but found I didn't want to ruin the peace between us. This is how I imagined our life together, fiery, passionate and filled with moments of perfect contentment. I think that's what he wanted too, but for some reason, we couldn't get it right.
I could feel his eyes on me everytime I looked away from him. There were things he wanted to say to me too, I sensed, but he didn't trust himself with the words. I wish he would tell me he loves me; I could wrap those words around my heart and it would be enough to get me through this. It would be enough, until I breathed my last breath.
"Todd," I began, "you never did anything wrong."
"I know I'm perfect."
"I'm serious."
"So am I."
I cocked my head to the side and shook off his remarks. "When we were together, you did the best you could, and I see that now."
"Then why'd you go?" he asked in the saddest voice I'd ever heard.
"Because it wasn't enough; it would have never worked at the rate we were going."
I watched the anger rise on his face, then he stood up and pounded his fist on the table. "You don't know that," he yelled, "because you didn't fucking try, Tea. You just gave up on us and you know what that tells me? YOU NEVER LOVED ME!"
This was not what I had planned. He looked like a vulnerable, angry child, tired from being hurt so much; in so many ways, he was exactly that. Leaving him again might be the worst mistake of my life, but I couldn't let him see me die. I wanted to leave him with mental pictures of me when I was at my healthiest. And along with that, he had to know how much our time together meant to me, and continues to mean to me. "Maybe you're right…maybe I didn't try hard enough. But there has never been one day, since I met you really, that I didn't love you."
"Good to know," he said bitterly.
"If I could go back and erase some of my mistakes of the past, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Todd, don't ever doubt my feelings for you while we were together."
"Sounds like you're saying goodbye."
"You never know what the future holds."
"You're not dying on me, Tea. You're gonna live a long life, so stop bein' so negative."
Goodbye, Todd. I think I've already died; there's nothing inside me anymore. I've given you my heart. I love you.
