I wanted to get back to my home in New York. Life was much easier there; I was an anonymous entity that blended in with the crowd. In Llanview, I had to deal with too many people and too many memories, most of all, I had to deal with the weak Tea that I wanted to leave in my past. She kept rearing her head when I least expected it, like when I bumped into the nurse who treated me after my second marriage fiasco.
I was minding my business, not paying attention to where I was going and I literally bumped into her. I looked at her face, and we both stopped dead in our tracks. I bet she saw me as the fool; that's certainly what I saw when I looked in the mirror. She picked up her scattered belongings and, without saying anything she was gone.
I was so tired by the time I made it back to The Palace; the only thing I had planned was to make my bed look like a fool once I climbed in. I strutted through the automatic doors and looked around because I felt Todd's presence. Sure enough, he was sitting in the lounge, just as cool as he pleased, trying to pretend like he wasn't looking for me.
I wanted to march right up to him and smack him across his face! Adults don't follow each other around or wait for hours for another person. Sometimes, I thought he would never reach the age of emotional maturity. But, he wasn't my problem anymore; he was that bitch's problem. More power to her.
I pretended like I didn't see him and kept walking toward the elevator. Tea Delgado doesn't have time for his childish games any longer. I pressed the button for the elevator and tapped my foot to some god-awful N'Sync song that was stuck in my head where the curly haired one kept howling the word, "gone." Ugh, how appropriate.
Predictably, Todd came up behind me and stepped close enough for me to feel the heat from his body. Shit, I said to myself. There was one thing I promised I'd never do, and that was to mess around with a married man. So, I kept repeating to myself, "he's married," thinking that would stop this aching desire.
"Don't ignore me Tea," he said through clenched teeth.
I couldn't believe he had the audacity, the nerve to talk about me ignoring him. I turned around; no, I whipped around, ready to smack him. "What the hell are you talking about, Todd?"
He grinned that little annoying grin that said, "I pushed the right button."
"Oh, fuck you," I said, stepping inside the elevator that just opened. I pressed the button to close the door, but it didn't do me any good. "Oh, this is just great. Why don't you go home to your wife?"
"I'd rather be here."
The doors closed and I was stuck in this small little box, which seemed to stop at every floor. I snuck peeks at him while I pretended to watch the lights on the panel light up. I knew he was watching me too and though it used to turn me on, now all it did was annoy the hell out of me. "This isn't funny, Todd," I said suddenly.
"What isn't?"
"This little game you like to play where you follow me around. As a matter of fact, it's annoying and rather juvenile." He looked at me like I was crazy, and I felt like I was crazy too. I sounded like his mother, chastising him for acting inappropriately. If he wanted to act like a child, who was I to say anything?
"Oh, and leaving someone in the middle of the night after fucking their brains out isn't childish?"
Ding. The elevator doors parted and I nearly ran into them trying to get out of there as fast as I could. "It was childish, I admit that and I'm sorry if that hurt you-"
"If?" he asked. "You have no idea what that felt like." There was a vulnerability in his voice that cut me to the core.
"Oh, believe me, I know exactly what it feels like." We both knew what I was referring to, and after my statement, he said nothing. We arrived at my door, and honestly, I was afraid to turn around. I didn't want to see the pain on his face, if there was any.
I had my back turned to him, mostly trying to ignore him while I fiddled with the card swipe thing. Of course, with him breathing down my neck, I had a hard time getting the door open. He casually reached over, took the card from me and opened the door on his first try.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome." He stayed out in the hall, which I had not expected. I got the distinct impression that he was waiting for me to invite him in, while I was waiting for him to force himself in like he always did.
"Well, I guess I'm gonna get back to the house."
The fact that he didn't use the word "home," was not lost on me. "Okay."
"Just wanted to make sure you got home okay." I watched as he pushed his hands deeper in his pockets. He looked so sad, standing there, slightly hunched over with his shaking hands in his pockets.
"Thanks."
"Okay, well, bye."
"Bye, Todd."
I closed the door on him, and made myself walk away. I slumped down on the couch and stared into space. I found myself doing that a lot, just staring and nothing in particular. It was probably my weird way of meditating, letting my mind go blank and doing nothing.
The light on my telephone was blinking and the red was starting to bother my eyes. I reluctantly abandoned my place on the couch to check my messages. There was only one and it was from Viki. She hoped we could get together before I left town and asked me to call her.
As far as in-laws go, Viki was one of the best. I wondered what she thought of Todd and his new bride, but that was none of my business. It's foolish, but I didn't want to call her back, possibly because she reminded me too much of Todd and the time we'd spent together.
I hated being alone; I hated everything about it. In all my years on earth, I don't remember ever being so lonely. I found myself doing things I'd never thought I would do. I was officially, a loser, a depressed and lonely loser.
*****
It had been one week since I made my return to Llanview. Antonio was on his way down the road to recovery. Carlotta was ecstatic that he would be living with her while he healed and she could keep an eye on him. Everybody but me seemed genuinely happy.
I'm not feeling very well right now. Those pains that I've been having, they're happening more frequently. It's practically a nightly occurrence. I'm scared.
When I was a child, especially after my mother left, I ever told anyone when I was sick. I would keep moving, as if everything was normal and keep my illness to myself. I liked to keep things easy for my family. My father didn't have medical insurance, so every doctor's visit cost him money that he did not have.
I still lived as if I couldn't afford to be treated, and I'd never admit this to anyone, but I was terrified of what they might find. Still, my traveling physical pain was debilitating. I felt as though my insides were trying to break through the surface trade places with my skin.
I was standing on the docks, studying the lights reflecting off the water. I was turning to go back to my car, when one of my "spells" struck. I was looking down, not paying attention to anything around me when I walked smack into Todd's chest. Almost simultaneously, my head started spinning, nearly knocking me off my feet. Lucky for me, he felt my unsteadiness, and stopped me from falling. It came out of nowhere, just like Todd and had it not been for him, I would've passed out.
"Whoa, Delgado," he said, feeling my body slipping from his arms. He picked me up like I weighed nothing, and wordlessly carried me to his car. Once I was settled, and he got in on his side, he stared at me for the longest time.
I closed my eyes; the city lights were killing me. He must've sensed my need for silence because he didn't say a word. Instead, he reached for my hand and stroked my palm with his fingertips.
God, I'd never felt anything so soothing. After all the pain I'd caused him, I wouldn't have blamed him if he just left me there. But the fact that he cared enough to make sure was okay, well, it meant the world to me.
I think a few hours had passed before I started to feel like myself. By that time, he had taken me back to the penthouse, which, surprisingly, was just as I'd left it. During that entire time, he never once asked me what was wrong. It was as if he instinctively knew what to do for me.
I managed to fall asleep, and when I awakened, rejuvenated, pain-free and rested, he was holding my hand and watching over me. I smiled at him, but he didn't smile back. He just kept watching me, and searching for any signs of pain.
"You okay?" he asked, with genuine concern in his voice. He still had not let go of my hand.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"What was that back there?"
"Just got a little dizzy."
He shook his head in disbelief, not buying my playing down of the situation. "How long have you just getting dizzy?"
I snatched my hand away from him, not sure why. Maybe it was because I thought he would sense the fear through my trembling hands. "I'm not your problem anymore." I didn't mean for it to come out sounding so bitter and angry, but it did. Damn him for making me love him so much.
"Thank God for that," he replied under his breath.
Back to where we were before, arguing about something so stupid, neither of us would remember the "why" by the time we finished. I got out of his bed, his old bed and prepared to storm out of the room.
"You know Delgado, you're getting better at this running thing than me."
I stopped in my tracks and turned around. My first instinct was to march right up to him and yell, "I'm not your problem!" I didn't do that though, I forced myself to stop and look at him.
From the moment I saw his face again, I saw nothing behind those beautiful eyes of his. But when I turned this time, I saw his pain, well, I more than saw it, I felt it. I hadn't stopped to think about what my leaving would do to him and now I saw it, it killed what was left of his spirit.
